The One Who Lived

Chapter Five

The worst part about living in a small town is how quickly word gets around. I swear that this town knows your secrets the minute you do, and they don't hesitate before spreading them like the person is Kim Kardashian. It was not long before word of me getting into a Tesla and not coming back for my car until the next day, spread like wildfire.

Hawkins called me on fire, and Ander has not said a word.

Hawkins has not talked to me since he heard about it, and Ander has not talked to me since it happened.

I need Hawkins because I need his happiness that he only shows to me, and his happiness that reminds me that everything will be okay. I need Ander because I need his grounding. Sometimes I feel like I need to fly away to see Anni, and he reminds me that I am needed here.

I have somehow lost two of the people that I need the most. One because of his hatred and jealousy for the other, and the other because he does not realize how badly I need his help to save me.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Kadence asks eating her rabbit food while I stare at the chocolate bar that I brought for lunch.

I shrug my shoulders, laying my head down to enjoy the coolness of the lunch table. "Nothing really. What are you thinking about?" I ask even though I can probably guess the answer and it is probably something I really don't care about.

I really don't care about any of her life problems because they really don't matter to me, and I hate myself for it.

I used to be that girl that could listen and act like I cared. I used to be the girl that would laugh at things that weren't funny and smile because I knew I needed to make people think I was okay, but I am not that girl anymore. I am somehow not nice anymore.

In the past few weeks, I have somehow become that horrible person that gets angry at people for no fucking reason.

Today, Kadence was laughing — one of those really happy laughs that I haven't heard or done in weeks — and it pissed me off beyond belief. Someone laughing pissed me off, and it makes me wonder what is wrong with me.

I mean, what kind of horrible person gets mad at someone for being happy? Who gets mad at someone for laughing at something that gave them joy?

I know that it is probably because I low-key hate everyone because they are happy — they are all so god damn happy. They don't think about my dead sister every single day. They don't feel the sadness, that I swear, eats me alive sometimes.

I want to be happy — truly.

I want to be happy so fucking bad.

It is like one second you like things and then you don't. You don't even know why you liked it and you start to hate yourself for liking it. It is this constant circle that goes around and around until there is no more power left in you. Until you can't make it anymore because the one thing you actually like — yourself — you don't like anymore.

I have just realized that people get tired of you constantly being sad eventually. The eventually expect you to get over it even when they don't understand. They don't understand loss until they experience it, but they will probably never experience it.

Everyone wants to know why I don't talk. Why I have gone quiet. Why I drink and why I have become a drunk.

The answer is that I don't know.

Before Anni died, I didn't know how to be an outgoing person and I definitely didn't drink.

I was always there for everyone, and everyone was there for me. I told everyone everything because I couldn't hold everything in without falling apart, and now that I have started holding stuff in, I have realized that I am not simply falling apart anymore — I am officially just broken.