The One Who Lived

Chapter Fourteen

My friends have had several boyfriends before I started dating Ander, so I have seen heartbreak, but I have never understood it.

I never understood why they would cry for days and didn't want to leave their homes or even beds. I never understood why I had to stay at their house for days on end because they didn't want to be alone.

I couldn't understand letting a man break you like that and then continuing to let him.

Sure, Bryce Brooks broke my heart freshman year, but that was nothing. He didn't tear me apart the way my friend's ex's have torn them apart, but I get it now.

I get it now.

I understand the feeling of your heart being ripped out of your chest. I know the feeling of not being able to open your eyes because you have been crying all night. I know the feeling of puking until there is nothing left in you because your anxiety is so high. I now understand the feeling of that rug being ripped out from under you and being unable to stay standing.

I feel horrible for not understanding the pain that my friends felt, but I guess that they weren't around to understand my Anni pain, so I can't really apologize for not understanding their heartbreak pain.

You pushed them away, Ada.

I simply feel lonely because there is no one left for me to go to.

Ander definitely isn't a choice. Hawkins doesn't seem to give a shit about me. Kadence is not my friend and probably never has been. Isla is either wrapped up in Clinton or dealing with her own demons. Anni is dead.

I am simply alone.

"What happened, baby? You guys seemed so happy." My mom asks as the tears burn and I try to make myself breakfast.

I know it probably sounds stupid, but I never thought I would cry about something ever again. I never thought I would ever cry about anything other than Anni, because her death is more powerful than any other reason to cry, but this hurts.

It hurts so fucking bad.

The only person I want and the only person I want to turn to is not there. I broke up with him, and even though I know I did the right thing, I miss him. I want to be with him. I miss his touch, his smell, his smile and all of our memories. I would give anything to have one more second with him as what we were before.

His voice felt so much like home, and I miss it — I miss all of him.

"We just weren't right." I answer plainly because I don't want to explain the actual reason. I don't want to ruin my parents view of Anni since she isn't even here to defend herself, and I know they were just starting to really love Ander so I can't ruin that for them too.

My mom nods, looking at my dad like he is supposed to help. "Well, you know that we are here for you if you need us, Adan." My dad says earning an elbow to the ribs from my mom.

"What your dad means is that we get it, and we want to know what is going on so we can help you." My mom says staring at my dad to put some fear into him to help her.

My dad nods, looking at me to get away from my mom's warning eyes. "Exactly," He pauses like he is so extremely unsure of what his role is right now. "So, what happened?" My dad asks making my mom huff and me put down the spoon.

I laugh at my mom's frustration. "It is okay, Dad. Really. We just didn't work out." I lie and my tears that start to fall freely only disproving the lie. "How do I get over this? That is all I want to know. I need to know how to make Anni and Ander pain go away because I don't think I can take it anymore. I can't take any more hurt." I whisper looking down as my dad stands up.

"One of the hardest things you will ever to do in your life is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive." My father says making me cry even harder.

"My heart hurts so bad, Dad. I don't know what to do." I sigh and run my hands through my hair. "What am I supposed to do?"

It is the moment that he wraps me in his big bear hug that everything falls apart. I finally let myself fully sob like I never have before. I sob for the sister who broke my heart, and in result, led me to my next biggest heart break.

I spend a few hours with my parents before work, but after work is when the driving starts. The driving that starts with me going home but ends up with me on the other side of town listening to the saddest music I could find.

I don't know why I am weak.

I don't know why I can't just move on and either pretend that this isn't happening or simply forgive Ander because it happened, and I can't change it. I don't know why I can't forget him because that is all that I truly want to do.

He lied, Ada. He lied.

I am staring at his contact name to tell him about my weekend, how much he hurt me and how badly I miss him. I don't want to call Hawkins, Kadence, Isla or even Camille because they would all answer — I want to talk to him.

I let my finger hang over his contact for a few extra seconds before throwing it into the passenger seat. I have to remember the reason – the name – of why we can't be together right now.

Channing Gabriella Pearson.