The One Who Lived

Chapter Four

I wake up to silence and the sun peeking through curtains that I don't recognize and in a bed that I don't recognize either. It is a few seconds later that I realize that not only am I at Ander's, but I have slept my first night without a nightmare.

Before Anni died, I hated nightmares. I mean — doesn't everyone? The thing is that my nightmares used to be about a ghost, or some scary man chasing me, but now they are about her — all of my nightmares revolve around her. 

I know this probably sounds sick, and I would never openly admit it to anybody but myself, but I don't mind the nightmares. How could I mind the nightmares when they are the only thing that feels like Anni is still living? I can feel her hand gripping mine again. I can see her face as if it is a mirror to my own. I can hear her voice and even her strangled laugh. I can see her bright smile even if it is covered in blood. 

The nightmares save me from forgetting because they bring me back — they bring her back.

"What are you thinking about?" Ander's deep voice interrupts my flashback from the night that Anni died.

I roll over to look at Ander who is already showered and awake. "Nothing." I lie, simply. "I don't know why you always think that I am deep in thought or something."

"You have been awake for over five minutes, and have yet to move nor say a single word. You are thinking about something." Ander says poking holes in my already hole filled lies.

"Nothing that I want to tell you about." I say sounding harsher than I meant to.

Ander is the only one who catches me. He is the only one who watches me and sees me falling apart. He is the one who checks on me without checking on me, and the only one who doesn't pretend that Anni didn't exist.

Even Hawkins doesn't look after me in the same way that Ander does.

But I can't let Ander get too close — I can't risk that.

Anni's death has awakened this fear about being close to anyone ever again. I can't let them touch me because they might feel how frozen I have become and try to save me. They might try to fall in love and then kiss me, and what if they then become as addicted to me as I have become to self-numbing. 

"Why don't you talk about it?" Ander asks, suddenly.

I furrow my eyebrows to feign confusion. "Talk about what?" I ask, playing dumb.

"Anni. Why don't you talk about Anni's death?" Ander asks like he just read my mind while also continuing to not let me slide like everyone else does.

People are quick let me slide by these days. I think it is because they are too scared to say her name, or even ask me about her.

What they don't know is that I really want to talk — my god, do I want to talk.

I sometimes want to yell until there is no more sound that can come out. I want to scream until I can't scream anymore. I want to use my voice until there is no voice left.

Sometimes, I want to tell everyone everything.

I want to tell them what it is like. I want to explain the pain of seeing her like that on that night. I want to tell them all of my Anni memories, and even how much I miss fighting with her. I want to tell them how badly my soul hurts, and how sometimes I don't even want a soul anymore.

I want to tell everyone that I need help — but the words never leave my mouth.

I can never plead for someone to help me save my own life.

"People don't want me to talk about it." I say with a crack in my voice as I roll to my other side, so he doesn't see the tears start.

"I want to hear it, Ade. Tell me." Ander says in his kind voice, breaking my heart even more.

I burry my face in his silk pillowcase. "Please, A. Leave it alone." I whisper pulling his sheets up over my head because I can hear him walking across the wood floor towards me.

"Why did you get drunk? What are you trying to become?" Ander asks sitting down next to me as I hide under his sheets. "I know the answer." He says once I don't answer.

"What do you think you know?" I whisper harshly through the sheets.

"Anni's," I flinch at the sound of her name. "Death hurt you so bad that that is why you need the parties and alcohol. She is why you need the music to be screaming as loud as it was last night. It is all so that you can't think — you can't think about her being gone."

People just don't realize how much easier alcohol is to swallow and digest than digest and accept that Anni is never coming back. Alcohol is easier to swallow because it makes her easier to forget.

I know that I don't actually want to forget her, but sometimes I need to. Sometimes I have to forget her because it is the only way I can be okay.

I let out the sobs that I can no longer hold in. "She burned a hole in me." I peak over the sheets at Ander as tears pour down my face. "Right here, A. It hurts. It hurts so bad." I whisper putting a hand over my heart.

"I know, Ade. I am sorry." Ander says getting in the bed next to me.

I look into his steel grey eyes that have now turned soft. "It hurts so bad, Ander. I miss her so much. I can't live without her. I just can't do it." I sob before burrowing my face into his solid chest.

I feel his rough fingers slide through my soft hair. "She would want you to, Ade. Anni would hate for you to turn into her because of her death." Ander whispers into my hair.

I look back up at him. "But she broke me, A. She. Broke. Me." I choke. "I can't stop seeing her eyes stare at me after she died. I can't stop hearing Cami's pleas for Anni to live. I can't stop seeing them put her in that black bag with her body broken in half. Did you know that her eyes were still open when they zipped the bag?" I whimper. "I just hear 3:48 over and over again." I sob as my body shakes like a Chihuahua.

"Ada," Ander tries to stop me, but he has already unleashed the broken girl that is now me.

"I see her perfectly white teeth covered in blood. I hear my mom's screams at the hospital for her daughter, and her pleas for Anni to come back to life. I see all those things and remember all of the bad that comes with them, and the bad is starting to take away the good. I am starting to forget her laugh and the sound of her voice. I am forgetting my best friend." I blubber. 

"Listen, Ada. You are going to forget things about her, but that does not mean that you are forgetting her." Ander says and before he keeps going, he just stops. He just stops and stares at me for a few seconds before pulling closer and tighter than he was before.

I remember when we were younger, Ander was always the loving one. While Hawkins shoved me and insisted that I stop being a girl, Ander protected me and insisted that Hawkins leave me alone. I always had a deeper connection to Ander than Hawkins, but that all changed when Ander started to change.

I didn't know how to be friends with someone surrounded by darkness. I didn't know how to be around some who hated the world their mother saved, and their father praised. I just accepted that I either accept it and him, or I forget it and pretend I never knew him.

My biggest regret is that I followed Hawkins. My biggest regret is that I wasn't there for Ander when he needed best friends the most.

My biggest regret was leaving Ander behind.

"I am sorry, A." I whisper into his chest.

"For what?" He asks still running his fingers through my hair.

"For leaving you. For stopping being friends with you. For unloading on you after you probably saved my life and reputation last night. I am just really sorry." I say a little louder than before.

Ander pulls away and makes me look up at him. "It is okay. I know how Hawkins can be, but never apologize to me for unloading. You have to talk about it, Adan, or you are going to explode." Ander says quietly.

I simply nod as my eyes start to droop as Ander holds me as tight as he can. I don't know how or what it is about Ander, but somehow, I fall into another deep sleep without nightmares.

This time I see Anni would the nightmares and death. This time Anni is laughing at something my dad did before smiling at me — a smile without blood.

For this sleep and this dream, I am in debt to Vanderbilt Grey — yet again.