The One Who Lived

Chapter Fifteen

In the past few days, I have slowly allowed myself to feel happy.

I try to find moments of silence and in those moments, I think about Anni and Ander, and I remember that I am allowed to hurt, but not so much that I end up killing myself. I have been doing really good at being strong in those moments, but I am not doing good today.

People always that you don't need another person — a guy — to make your life happy or complete. While I know that is true, I think that it is also half bullshit.

I don't need him to be happy or complete, but he makes me happy and complete when I am around him, and I miss that. I miss that feeling like I am home, and I am safe simply because he wraps me in one of his big bear hugs and squeezes me until I feel like I can't breathe.

Deep down I know that I will be fine. I know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Trust me — I get that — but right now, I need a minute.

Just one minute — maybe two.

I just need a few minutes to pull myself together, because sometimes the shit thrown at me — gets a little heavy.

Yeah, that is all I need — just a few minutes.

I lean my head back against the island in Clinton's kitchen. I pretend that I am the only one with problems and the only one who needs vodka — screw the fact that it is four AM because I am broken over here.

I need the burn more than I have ever needed anything else in my entire life.

The only people awake at four AM are the ones that are drunk, lonely, in love, or all the above.

I hate how there is no drug or drink that will shortcut you forgetting someone. I wish there was something that could make me forget and hate him faster, but there just isn't. I hate how you just have to deal with the pain of missing them until you just don't miss them anymore — my only problem is that I haven't gotten there.

I still think about him every hour of every day. I still hear his name and see his face in my brain every single day. I don't want him to be there, but he is.

Vanderbilt Elton Grey — the name that will forever be imprinted in my mind.

"Ada? Are you okay?" Camille's concerned voice fills my right ear as my left ear pleads for a break since it has been listening to the ringing of Ander's phone number because he hasn't been answering.

I nod, throwing my phone across the room not caring if it cracks, breaks, or stays in one piece. "Yeah, I just broken." I slur taking another swig.

Camille nods as she slides down the counter and takes the bottle from me. "Yeah, me too. Your sister kind of did me dirty." She laughs humorlessly as she takes a swig.

I nod. "Yeah, me too." I repeat back to her with a chuff making both of us look at each other, and for the first time, we both laugh.

We giggle like two schoolgirls over the fact that we both loved Anni so much, and that her decision broke us more than we knew possible.

It is so totally fucked up, and we should definitely not be laughing about it, but I don't think we have anymore tears left to cry. My tear bank with the name Anni on it has ran dry and I have nothing left to give to it.

"I heard about you and Ander." Camille looks at me sadly before passing me the bottle back. "I am really sorry, Ada. You deserve a happy ending more than anyone else out there." Camille says making my eyes burn because the tear bank with the name Ander on it just hasn't seem to dry up yet.

I nod, finishing of the bottle. "Yeah, you know what?" She raises an eyebrow. "He hurt me more than I ever thought possible, but it is totally my fault for giving him the ammunition to take me out." I say making her nod like she gets it.