The One Who Lived

Chapter Eighteen

Ever since Anni died, I have their weird obsession with sitting in her doorway.

I have yet to make it past the threshold because I fear contaminating her room. I can smell her from here. I can still see her creases on her pillowcases and in her sheets, and imagine that she will be back soon to pick up the mess that she calls her room. I talk to her room like it is her, and I swear that sometimes I can feel her wrapped around me like she is listening and wants to speak.

My parents and I have started talking about donating her stuff, but none of us have actually started working on doing it. Not a single one of us has crossed from the hallway into her room, and I kind of think that none of us will ever be able to.

"Ander did it for me." Hawkins's voice startles me. "He was protecting me." Hawkins says as he stands at the top of the stairs.

How long was he standing there for? Was I zoned out for a while?

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Hey, Hawk." Hawkins walks over and sits down next to me. "What are you doing here so late?" I question knowing it is well past midnight and there is no reason for him to be here.

"I need to talk to you. I have to tell you a secret." Hawkins says making me suddenly scared and concerned.

"Are you about to tell me you got Kadence pregnant or some shit? Because I don't want to know. I really don't want to know." I say waving my arms in front of me.

"What?" He starts bewildered. "Fuck no." Hawkins scoffs at me. "Seriously, Ada? Sometimes I wonder what the hell goes on in your mind." Hawkins says making me roll my eyes and smile.

"Sometimes I wonder the same thing." I turn my attention back towards her bedroom.

Hawkins nods awkwardly before looking down because I feel like whatever he is about to tell me is huge.

I also know that it was to be huge because of the way everything has even since Anni died. He hasn't been the same — we haven't been the same. I could tell something was up, but I didn't have the energy to call, text, nor Snapchat back.

I can only do so much self-fixing at one time, and my fixing with my parents, breaking up with Ander, making up with Cami and now losing Ander has taken a lot out of me. I know it probably sounds selfishly terrible, but when bad things happen, some people get put on the back burner. Sadly, Hawkins was the one who took that title.

"So, what's up?" I ask after a few minutes of silence because every second that ticks by makes my heart spread up and I think it is about to explode.

"I just need to tell you something that I haven't been ready to talk about until now because I owe it to you, and I owe it to Ander." Hawkins says making me more nervous — if that is even possible.

"Okay? But can I ask a favor?" I ask Hawkins making him nod. "If it is about our friendship or whatever, can we please not do this. I don't have energy for it." I say making his eyes start to darken.

"Ada." Hawkins warns, making me glare at him.

"This is not the time or place." I sigh. "Honestly, Hawk. I have accepted that you no longer want to be my friend. I have learned how to live without you, but it is our end that I am having a hard time accepting. I just can't accept that we never talked and that we just kind of ended. Our friendship of over 15 years was just over," I snap my fingers. "Like that."

That is all it takes for the storm to enter his eyes and scary Hawkins is unleashed. "You had Ander!" Hawkins yells, suddenly angry. "I knew you didn't fully need me because of him!" Hawkins yells at me making me glare at him.