The One Who Lived

Chapter Nineteen

I have done a really good job at ignoring Snapchat and picture memories that pop up on my phone since Anni died. They always seem to cause more heartbreak than I can take in a day, but I knew I should check it today, because today is the day that Anni was supposed to turn nineteen.

Today is the day she was supposed to be woken up with strawberry pancakes from our parents, be brought coffee from her best friends, annoy us all night until we let her open her presents, be made her favorite dinner, and then slip out to celebrate in a way that would only be illegal for two more years.

Instead, she is staying eighteen. She will forever continue to be eighteen and never again age as she should have been. Today will no longer be one that we celebrate – instead, one that we mourn and think of what should have been.

My photo memories today consist of a beaming Anni, mahi tacos, pink and yellow presents, and more balloons than any human ever needed.

Three years ago today, she was gifted with the car that would later be the reason she is dead.

Two years ago today, she was young, seventeen and the dancing queen.

One year ago today, she was a legal adult and bought her first lottery ticket only to win a single dollar.

Today, there will be no new memory to add to it. Only a tear-stained face that belongs to me, and later a cake that will not be eaten by the person it was made to celebrate.

"What time should I come over tonight?" Hawkins deep voice bring me back from the images that my phone screen holds to a world in which the person inside of them will never live outside of them again.

I click on the right side of my screen to turn off the pictures. "I think my parents want to do dinner and cake around six." I answer, dully.

I have been better – everyone has said it.

I am starting to accept that Anni will never live again. I know that the photos and videos of her will forever be the only thing to remind me of her voice and the way she looked, and I know that I will never get new ones with her in it.

I am doing better – I just refuse to be better on days like today.

I know this probably sounds repetitive, but I really fucking hate the universe on days like today.

I hate it for letting the sun shine, and for letting gravity keep the earth spinning. I hate the way it doesn't proclaim the heartache, which is today, and I hate that it acts like the heavens shouldn't be rumbling and caving in on themselves.

"Can I ask you a dumb question?" Hawkins starts making me raise an eyebrow.

"Sure?" I say back more like a question and not a statement.

Hawkins sad eyes meet mine. "Should I bring a present? Are we doing something like that, or are we just remembering her?" He whispers like it is a secret that no one but us should hear.

I smile and put my right hand on top of his left hand. "Do whatever feels right. I, uh," I pause as my voice cracks. "I wrote her a letter this morning. It is my gift to her in a way. It was over five pages long of how much I love her, miss her, and regret certain things I never got to do with nor learn from her." I look down as my eyes start to burn. "I set it on her bed like she was going to be there while we were away and would be able to read it."

"You went into her room?" He asks in an awe filled whisper, because I told him why I was in that hallway and why I haven't been able to cross her threshold.

I nod, wiping away the tears that managed to slip free. "I set the note on her bed and then just kind of chilled on the floor. I didn't touch anything, but I swear that I could feel her entire soul wrapped around me." I smile at my best friend.

Hawkins nods as tears fill his eyes, and I know he won't speak any more in fear of losing what little control he seems to have on them. I slowly move my gaze away from Hawkins to Ander who is across the lunchroom making out with Kadence.

"Did you hear about what he did this weekend?" Hawkins says after a few minutes of silence.

I turn away from Ander to Hawkins. "Yeah, Clinton called me. He said that it was bad." I say as I pick at my wilted school salad.

"You need to talk to him, Ade. He is acting like you after Anni." He pauses. "Actually, you were much worse, but still." He laughs as I punch him in the arm.

"Shut up." I laugh.

Hawkins meets my gaze with his serious eyes. "All jokes aside, we need to do something for him. We are his friends, and we owe him." Hawkins insists, making me laugh again.

"Since when are the two of you friends?" I inquire because the two of them have hated each other for four years, and I have never expected Hawkins to be fighting for Ander instead of with.

Hawkins shrugs. "I don't know. Since he was there for you after Anni when I couldn't be. Or maybe when he literally ended his relationship with you to keep Anni and my secret. Or maybe we are just growing up and realizing that hating each other is dumb and childish."

I stare at Hawkins like he has grown two heads, because I haven't heard his like this in forever. "Who kidnapped my best friend and replaced him with this clone?" I grab his face and turn it like I am inspecting it.

"Just fix it, Ade." He shoves me away. "For the both of you." He stands up and grabs his backpack. "See you later tonight. Love you." And with that, Hawkins walks out of the cafeteria.

I want to yell after him and demand to know why I have to be the fixer, but I think that we both know that Ander has been the fixer more times than either of us can count. I also think we both can easily realize the spiral that Ander is in, and how I am the only person who truly understand the alcoholic spiral that he is taking part in.

I must have been staring at my salad for a while because suddenly the chair next to me is sliding out and I come face to face with my favorite pair of steel eyes. "Hey, Ade." His voice penetrates my heart.

I smile, sadly at him as my nose if filled with the all too familiar smell of alcohol. "Hey, Vanderbilt."

"I know we are fucked up right now, but I wanted to tell you that I know what today is." He looks at me with eyes that belong to the old Ander and not the angry, lost Ander that seems to be around these days. "I wish she was here to get plastered with me tonight to celebrate another year."

My throat starts to tighten. "Yeah, me too." My voice sounds strangled as I respond to him.

"Okay." He stands, wobbly. "See you around."

I know I should let him walk away because I am in not in a good place to talk to him, but I have to say it. I have to say the words before my body explodes with the ache of missing Anni, and wanting Ander back.

"Vanderbilt." I start, causing him to half turn towards me.

"Adan." He mimics.

I take a deep breath. "I miss you." I admit causing his drunken self to sober for a second.

He nods and scrunches his nose, trying to force tears back. "You too, Ade. You too." And with that he walks away without another word or glance.

Fuck, I really hate the universe today.