supernova, kirisaya

𝑻𝑯𝑹𝑬𝑬 / damning myself

Listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbTVZMJ9Z2I

𝒓𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒌𝒂 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒐𝒃𝒂𝒎𝒊

I pinned Kirari's signature two braid loops, tying it tight with black ribbon. I zipped up her plain black dress. I slid on the silver Momobami head-of-clan ring onto her slender fourth finger. I helped her, as she could not even move a single muscle from the news.

"C-come on, Rari, it's time to go..." My voice came out in a timid stutter. I didn't even know what was going through her head. I could always tell what Kirari was thinking, from the most minuscule of facial expressions- she's my twin, after all. Sayaka was one of my good friends, but... I remember how much more she was to my imouto. I slipped my theater mask over my face, and tried again.

"Kirari?" I repeated. Her glacial blue eyes, the same eyes I had, were focused so intently in front of her. It was almost like the girl was transported to a different dimension. I snapped my fingers. She blinked rapidly and turned to face me. "We need to leave, Rari."

She nodded slightly, and swallowed. I put my arm around her, and coaxed her into the Momobami limousine.

𝒌𝒊𝒓𝒂𝒓𝒊 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒐𝒃𝒂𝒎𝒊

"Dun... dun-dun..."

A melancholy piano melody played at a glossy baby grand at the front of the aisle. Bright white lily flowers adorned the pathway as the coffin-bearers carried my Sayaka... or I-I guess what was left of her, down the way to where she'd finally rest.

It was a crisp April morning. The flowers crinkled in the breeze, the faces of everybody around me were red from the cold, and I pulled my jacket tighter around me. My braid ribbons whipped in my face, stinging my cheeks. But I suppose they distracted me from my hollowness inside my chest.

Today was Sayaka Igarashi's funeral.

As Ririka and I walked past the many students and their families invited to the funeral, not to mention Sayaka's friends; I spotted a short black-haired girl and a tall blonde-haired boy. They seemed about my age, I suppose. They were both hugging tightly to each other, crying.

I felt a sharp jab, like a knife wound, cut through my abdomen quickly. I leaned over to clutch the area where I felt the pain, it was right under my right breast.'Why did they get to feel sorry?!?'  My thoughts escalated quickly. My breath began to come in short gasps, coming in and out faster than they surely should have been. I placed my hand on my chest, trying to feel my heart to calm myself down. 'I'm the only one that truly lost her! I'm the only one that truly knows what it means to-'

That was it.

"H-hey!" I growled, my voice gaining aggression with each letter. Heads turned to stare my way, but I couldn't give a care in the least. I marched up to them, each step definite and deliberate. "Why are you upset?"

"E-excuse me, President?" The girl was flummoxed. So they both went to Hyakkaou. They knew me from afar. Well, they still didn't know the loss.

"I said, why are you upset?!?" My voice began to rise like a volcano, the suppressed emotion bubbling to the surface. "You didn't even know Sayaka-san personally, n-not like I did!!"

"Kirari," protested a masked Ririka, now by my side. She put her hand on my back gently. "They're not trying to-"

By now lava-hot tears were spilling down my face, cutting through the cold mask my face felt from the air; ruining my eye makeup, wetting my dress. Even though the air was cold and my tears were hot, the combination of the two still made me so goddamn numb.

"Gomen-nsai... that was very unprofessional of me." I bowed my head slightly to the pair. They were surprised that not only did I lose my temper in front of them, but the President herself had apologized. I turned to sit with the rest of my family and the student council.

"My apologies, as well," bowed Ririka quickly, and ran after me. 

"Kirari, please refrain from making hysterics out in public." One of the elders chided, and patted a seat down. "Sit here, with your cousins and fellow councilpeople."

Of course the elders couldn't care less. They only gave a fuck about the Momobami name being passed on, and that their ancestors were on the council of Hyakkaou. They didn't care in the least that I lost one of the people closest to me.

I bowed my head, to show the necessary respect, but inside I was seething. Nobody even cared whether my mental health was stable. It only mattered that I could do my duties as Student Council President, and absolutely nothing else.

Ririka on my left and Yuriko Nishinotoin on my right, I focused my eyes on the people lowering Sayaka's coffin into the ground. My Sayaka. She was being buried. Locked into a wooden box, thrown 6 feet into the earth, and covered up. I turned away, putting my gaze on Yuriko.

"Yuriko." I greeted calmly, trying to act somewhat normal.

"Kaichou."  She bowed her head to show respect.

"D-do you like the flowers?" My voice wavered ever-so-slightly on the first syllable, and I cursed myself internally.

"Y-yes, I think they are quite beautiful..." whispered Yuriko. She took out her handkerchief, adorned with little roses, and dabbed her eyes.

I turned to look at the rest of the Student Council, who was sitting on the same row. Yumemi was crying, holding hands with Runa who was sobbing her eyes out. Runa had always teased Sayaka, making jokes on her expense.

Now I damn myself for laughing at them.

Midari had an upset expression on her face, but was otherwise staring ahead. She would always take her gun out in front of Sayaka, knowing how she would get anxious.

Now I damn myself for letting her do that.

Kaede Manyuda was still stern-faced, struggling to keep a stoic expression; but I could tell in his eyes that he was affected as well. He respected Sayaka, but he never became friendly with her.

Now I damn myself for letting that happen.

And so I sat there, struggling to keep the dam of tears behind the locked up chambers of my icy blue eyes; damning myself for ever making Sayaka feel like I didn't care about her.