an alternate universe where sayaka isn't so lucky in her fall from the tower of doors.
content warnings: death, depression, language, suicide attempt, substance abuse
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𝒌𝒊𝒓𝒂𝒓𝒊 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒐𝒃𝒂𝒎𝒊
As I sat in through the never-ending and pointless council meeting, I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see Yumemi Yumemite. She was staring back at me, to my surprise, with a puzzled and anxious look on her usually cheerful face. I knew she had two sides to her personality, but concerned was not one of them.
I raised my eyebrow at her, to take her out of her absent-minded trance. But I knew why she was staring. My outburst with Kaede, she was there. She saw the whole thing.
Yumemi blinked and looked down at her lap- my gaze was intimidating, but that wasn't it. She was afraid I'd fire her for simply looking at her.
I'm sorry, Yumemi. I'm sorry I've intimidated you. I'm sorry I haven't help you get more attention so you can fulfill your dream. I'm sorry I let Yumeko win against you. I'm so sorry for all of it.
As I sat in the cafeteria, garnering the usual frightened and curious gazes from the students, I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see a female housepet. She had long red hair and a nose piercing. Two muscular older boys stood over her, taunting her and jeering curses. She was sitting on the floor, her lunch tray a mess beside her. Her face was crumpled in shame and sadness. And I could practically hear her thoughts: why can't you just leave me alone?
I'm sorry, housepets. I'm sorry I've ruined your lives just to satisfy my stupid curiosity. God, I'm such a fucking hedonist. Why can't I stop being sadistic for once and let people live their lives? I'm... so messed up. Thankfully, I'll be gone before sunrise. I'm so sorry for all of it.
As I sat on the bench in the outdoor courtyard, finishing up my homework, I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see a familiar red-eyed, black-haired woman. Yumeko Jabami. She was playing cards with her blonde friend, the one I asked to join the council. Mary Saotome.
I'm sorry, Yumeko. I'm sorry I can't give you a proper gamble where I give it my all. I'm sorry the elders banned your family, I wish I had gotten to know you, my distant cousin. I just want to lose... I'm so tired... just somebody finally end my reign. Give me my supernova, let my dictatorship fizzled out like a dying star and implode upon itself, taking my body with it. I'm so sorry for all of it.
And I'm sorry, Mary. I'm sorry I tried to intimidate you to join the council. You're entitled to your choice. And I know that you're angry at me. I'm sorry Tsuzura left, I know how much she meant to you. I'm sorry I made her a housepet and gave her a life plan. She... was such a genuinely kind young woman. And I... took that lust for life out of her. You could compare me to the Devil. I have no morals. None. I'm so sorry for all of it.
As I attended a meeting with the elders, Terano and Yumi sat in the background, watching. I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see Terano staring at me intently. With no malice, but just interest in what we were discussing. Or rather she could tell I wasn't my usual self. She met my eye, the two of us simply stared at each other with no emotions, just neutrality.
My gaze then shifted to Obara, Rin, and Sumika sitting on the opposite side of the table. They were listening to our conversation intently.
I'm sorry, my cousins. I'm sorry we can't live together in harmony. I'm sorry the trivial greed of the elders for power and money has driven us to a point to hate each other. I'm sorry we can't even be a family. I'm sorry that me being myself drove that gap farther apart. I'm so sorry for all of it.
As I was sipping tea for the last time on a lounge, I sat with my legs crossed and my posture impeccable as always. I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see my twin. Ririka sat on the opposite side of couch of me, clutching her mask tightly. Her knuckles were white, her lips were pressed into a firm line. Her gaze was turned downwards, boring holes into her feet.
I'm the most sorry to you, my sister. I'm sorry I was chosen above you, like you're less of a human being than I am. If anything, you're so much more. So much more caring, moral, an actual human.
I'm no human. I'm just a weak girl that looks like a human, but inside, I'm a monster. I'm sorry you need to wear that mask to cover your beautiful face. I'm sorry you don't get more say in council meetings. I'm sorry you were verbally abused by the elders. Told to shut your mouth, your opinion doesn't matter. Told to not like anything, you interests don't matter. Told to only experience the concept of "Kirari". You don't deserve that. But I do.
If.... I had just never been chosen, if it had been you- none of the havoc I've wreaked would have occurred. The clan would have a fair, strong leader. The academy would have a kind and generous President. Our cousins would have a peace-seeking and benevolent mediator. You would have been so much better at it all.
