Love Is Pain (HxH Au) (Killugon)

11

"W-What kind of question is that? There doesn't need to be a reason!" Gon half yelled, tightening his grip a little. He looked down. "I gave up a long time ago on trying" he said, Killua saw tears sting Gon's eyes and for some reason he didn't like that. Why do I care? I don't know but I do. So he ruffled his hair like Gon did some times. "why?" he asked faintly. Killua sighed, "around when I was twelve, I got a call from my father saying he wanted to meet up with me, and he'd bring Alluka too" he said, before starting to tug Gon in the direction of his room, they couldn't just stand there all day. Gon was still in a half hug position, Killua didn't really get it but he let Gon do it. They sat down on the bed, Gon was still holding his hand but otherwise sitting in front of him. Killua didn't really understand the hand thing either, but Gon would be Gon, so he let him. "I thought I could finally escape, that I could go live with father instead and 'be free' " Killua looked down. "but... father said I couldn't come with him" he felt the hand tighten on his a little. "said something about a legal guardian and if she wanted to keep me, he couldn't say no. they had five kids, I was the one she chose to come with her"

He bit his lip. "and then mother came, and I couldn't hold on. He dragged me away by the hair, and that was when I realized" it was that moment. "that father didn't love me. If he loved me he would have tried harder, he would have believed me when I told him how mother always pulled my hair and shouted at me. But... he didn't." Gon looked like he was on the verge of crying again. "t-that's why you were so happy when I wanted to keep you..." he nodded. "that day was a fucking emotional rollercoaster" he sighed. "anyways, I was scaring Alluka and causing a scene. Mother finally stopped me from writhing and it was then" he continued. "that, was when I gave up on trying to run. If I had no choice, like father said. What was the point? And mother was right, I was scaring Alluka and causing a scene. So I dried my tears and put on a smile, asking for one last request before I was forever condemned to whatever hell she had in store"

Gon was most definitely crying now, but he wanted the story so he's getting the full damn story. "so I took my Killuna plush, the only toy I'd had ever since I went with mother, and gave it to Alluka" he said, "I reassured her I was ok and she smiled back, then gave me her own" Killua reached over and set Luka in his lap, staring down at it with a blank expression. "she had no clue what was happening, but I didn't want her to. If she did then she might hate father, I didn't want her growing up like I did. If I wasn't allowed to be happy, I wanted to give Alluka everything I had left" he gently stroked the plush with one hand, the other was still connected with Gon's. "so I went to father, and I told him it was ok if he didn't love me. And then I told him to give everything that was mine to her, everything from my room, anything that was entrusted to me, anything my father was going to give me in the future, all of it" those wide blue eyes stared back up at him. "and then I told him... if he still had a little love left in him for me, he should give it to her too" and Killua had meant that.

"and with that I left. I grabbed my bag and let mother lead me out of the store" he sighed. "when we got home she slammed my head into the wall a few times, that was the first time she actually hit me" Killua said. "she told me I'd better heal fast or she'd make it worse, and she always loved my smooth flawless complexion" he brought a hand to his face. "so I covered it with band aids, makeup prosthetic, and concealer" he shrugged. "now tell me again. Why exactly do I deserve happiness?" he looked Gon in the face, and he felt his wall shake at the look on his face. He hadn't made any sound, but he had been crying really hard and looked like his story had hurt him. "you don't need a reason, everybody deserves to be happy" he huffed. "one thing I've learned, is that life isn't fair. That was something I knew since I was younger than ten years old" he said. "I used every moment to keep Alluka safe, shield her from the screaming, from mother and father fighting, the absolutely horrible times when they almost got physical, I was there. And I never let Alluka see, even if it meant I had to watch and hear every moment of it"