The Darkness That Binds Us

Chapter 17: The Light

 I sleep the best sleep I've had since i arrived at the little palace. Perfect, blissful, nightmare-less sleep. 

Drifting drowsily in and out, i snooze in to the late hours of morning and possibly beyond, i'm not sure, and i don't really care. Cocooned in warm furs and blankets i can think of little else to do. 

I think i dream once. Reflecting back, it was more of a memory actually. 

I think i am on the boat again with Mal, sailing far, far away from Ravka to Novyi Zem. All cosy and warm in my little hammock, the world swaying ever-so-slightly. 

"Good morning sleepy head..." he teases me, i groan and roll over to his side. My eyes are too crusted shut with sleep to open,  so instead i just grin numbly at him. "Feeling better?" 

Through my dopy haziness, my grin grows wider and i move my hands up lazily to flop onto his shoulders. I pull him in, he feels so good to finally touch again. "Mal..." 

I go in for the kiss, but he eases gently away from me. "I should probably go..."

I try to mumble for him to stay but words fall cumsily from my lips.

"Looks like you could do with a lie in...

I'll be back in a bit," and with that his footsteps fade smoothly out of focus. 

Smoothly. 

Oh Saints! 

It finally hits me and I sit bolt up right, listening for the darkling's slow, logarithmic, breathing. That wasn't  Mal, that was him. I was so wrapped up in my own lethargy, i tried to kiss the darkling. My heart twists in putrid revulsion. I almost succeeded! 

How could i have ever gotten them mixed up? All this time the darkling's question had been simmering in the back of my mind, "What will Mal be to me in a hundred years?" but really the question i should have been asking was, what would the darkling be?

What would the darkling be to me in a thousand?

It hadn't even been six months. My stomach beginnings to knot as i realise that feeling of putrid revulsion is all on me. Mal,  the man who loved me so much to sacrifice himself for me , for the world, had barely hit the ground -and yet i'm marrying his murder. 

However, it was worse than that. Far worse. Last night i came to him. When he touched me, i was so enraptured by that rushing rapid fate i nearly just let go. I nearly let him... i wanted him to, i realise, disgusted with myself. How i do something so wretched? How could i betray everyone who ever loved me; Genya, Nikolai, Zoya, Tarma... A whole army of sun soldiers gave my life for me, how could i be so hateful?

But at the same time, how could i not be? How could i keep my head above the rapids when all i want to do is  let him pull me under? I think of the freezing river in my dreams, forever swimming against the current, reaching for a light i will never reach. Will it always be like this? When the waters are so cold -so, so, cold- and getting colder every day, will i keep fighting? Forever doomed to trend water for eternity?

"That's no way to live, Alina..." The darkling echos in my head.

But what other choice do i have?

Then i remember the cut on my finger and the decision i came to last night. One Choice. I  tell myself, only one way out.

I rise, shaking from my make-shift bed, willing my body into compliance with the memories of Mal's stoic features the night of the battle. I can't summon light, but i will call all the courage i have left.