The Darkness That Binds Us

Chapter 8: The Cage

Days at the little palace blur into an intangible mess of scents and sounds. With no light to go on it has become impossible to discern the time for myself. I could ask, i know there is always a heartrender waiting attentively in the corner of the room, but the concept makes me uncomfortable every time i think about it.

Lying alone on my bed in the pitch black darkness, i am constantly reminded of how utterly vulnerable i am. Not because of my new blindness, but because i have no power.

I can make requests; some tea, more blankets, anything i need his Oprichniki will bring to me, but that's it, his guards, his choice to grant all of my requests, his will. If he wanted, he could tied me to this bed, he could starve me until i begged. He holds all the power over me. Even my power is his power now. I am nothing but his possession now, his pet, his Dove. A Dove in a gilded cage -but a cage is still a cage.

In sleep here is no reprieve. Nightmare's take shifts, creating a constant relay of terror in my mind. If i am not watching the image of Mal's torso thud dully onto the grey sands where nothing grows, again and again, the moment of my greatest shame, the moment where i hesitated, i am dreaming of the boy with one hundred names, of the mother who loved him -that he betrayed, of the frozen river and the tide-maker girl with the rock in her hand. The fear of being betrayed. It always comes back to the fear.

Despite all it's obscurity, the way i feel in the dream is by far the most terrible. The betrayal. I always wake up screaming after the betrayal. 'The feeling of being betrayed is a thousand times worse than betraying.'

For a long time i stopped sleeping altogether, it just became to horrible to bare. But inevitably, the darkling found out and i had no choice.

"You have to sleep, Alina." He'd said stroking back my hair. "Your still injured and you need to rest." The darkling's voice was like lullaby to my exhausted mind, "can you do that for me?" His Oprichniki had given me this herbal beverage that made me feel all woozy and fuzzy inside, but i still fought him.

"I can't." I'd mumbled. "The dreams, I don't..."

"The dreams won't get you tonight." He'd said so softly it was less of a sound and more of a light breeze, rocking me to sleep. Through the haze i'd wondered wearily how he knew.

"But-" How did he know about the dreams?

"-Shhh... I know, " He squeezed me tightly as i hiccuped through streams of tears. "I know. I'm sorry about the dreams too, but don't worry. I'm not going anywhere, and i promise i won't close my eye's until your fully rested, Alina, i promise." He rubbed up and down my arms. "Just all you need to do is sleep, can you do that for me? please."

I'd let him ease my eyes down. I'd let him talk away the tears. I'd let him pull the sheet up around me.

All it took from Theodore was the barest brush long my wrist and my pulse slipped into a deep, comatosed sleep.