the sun - charlie gillespie

forty one

ONE YEAR LATER
- mia's mind -

i sat staring at one of the pieces i'd created. i had my sony headphones hugging my ears. i tried to paint my soul upon the canvas, it was just painted with colours that corresponded with eachother. there is a reason we evolved as artists in so many forms, for this is how our neurology self heals and seeks to both heal and stabilise society. the painting, the artist and the art, is part of the story of how humans became more humane.

fingerprints by hiatus kaiyote began to play and this was charlie and i's song. i was met with the moment where my emotions felt like a physical bruise, they take time to come up and really show themselves.

it had been a year after charlie and i had last talked to eachother. i haven't seen him since our argument, not at school, not around the area, he quit his job at the cafe. he didn't even turn up to the musical, which wasn't even worth the watch if i'm being completely honest.

when charlie didn't turn up to owen's place after the fight, he was quickly filed as missing. but that case was quickly closed when the authorities called and notified us that he was now enrolled in the foster care system.

apparently he enrolled himself, with the specific request to not mention where he was staying.

owen's dad mentioned that he pulled out of the school. kristina also transferred, her father eventually found out about her involvement with charlie's injuries that he sent her to boarding school.

i did try persistently to call him, weeks after our altercation, but the i dialed wasn't recognised. he either blocked me or changed his number.

i sighed.

we cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection can damage the roots from which love grows. love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

charlie and i's love was rare, it was something i'd never felt before. but clearly some old wounds never truly heal, wounds that had sprouted from dean, some wounds from my others death. when i was with charlie, i couldn't ever imagine hurting him. it's completely understandable if he doesn't wanna see me, but i just want him to know that i'm sorry.

i've been left with so much pain and i could feel it hurt in every single part of my body.

i should have never lied to him like that, i should have never spoke to him like that.
i said whatever i could to get him to leave, and he did.
he did as i wished.

i changed my seating stance and continued to paint.

but maybe this was his lesson, he taught me that sadness comes as a painful cleanse. it is a chance to detox and reassess what is helping and what is hurting, a chance to make new choices and inform others that i have boundaries, needs and vulnerabilities.