Born of starlight and shadows

~Part thirty-six: Midnight~

[Sketch of Midnight]
I don't know I don't understand I don't believe...

I don't know why, but this-this feeling-it hits me so hard. 

It's hard to describe but who cares anyway, my brain is spinning, the world is spinning-

And nothing at all feels safe or right. 

Like I should just let go of it all because it's too much it's always too much for me to handle.

Sapphire tries to whisper some comforting words.

My hand closes around the little dragon figure, and I throw it across the ground, in whatever obscure corner of the world Sapphire's helped me hide out in. 

Because-

It's not fair it's not right-

She's dead. She's truly and definitely gone.

I saw her die, but I think somewher, somehow, inside of me kept clinging to that irrational hope that maybe she isn't-

I feel like I'm starting to lose track of reality, the space around me seems to blur, grow distorted. 

Everything is just falling apart and everything would be better off if they had succeeded and they had killed me instead of Jade. 

At least I wouldn't still be ripped apart, hurting every single day from everything that happened before, and everything else I'll never be able to face. 

Like the world. 

I can feel something fading, flickering inside me.

It grows weaker, but then it grows stronger. 

I don't try to fight it this time. 

Everything floats away and I'm gone somewhere behind those hard, uncaring eyes and anger, rage fills me up, anger and rage and hatred. 

I'm sorry. 

All I can muster is those two words, not that it matters. 

I don't think Sapphire hears them or Stella or anyone-

Stella-

The thought of that girl makes it hesitate, all of those emotions tangling together. 

But it's not enough. 

Nothing they even did was enough when I got like this, not in the end. 

I touch the marking that I wish had never existed-the tiny, silver, star-shaped one.

And then I think I'm falling backwards. 

Everything goes strangely bright and then dark-darker than everything I've ever seen before. 

I hear a whisper in my mind. 

Then, lots of whispers. 

But I can't make sense of any of them. 

And then I'm gone, disappeared somewhere, and I know nothing else. 

                            🌟🌟🌟

When my eyes open again I'm hurting all over.

My eyes dart frantically around the unrecognizable land around me-all charred and black and destroyed, all because of me-and for one, terrible, heartwrenching moment I think I succeeded in hurting or killing Sapphire as well. 

You can't get rid of me so easily, she says in my head and I grow relieved. 

I reach out my hand and the tiny figure then sits in my palm. 

I stare at the tiny, shiny scales. 

I exhale, and rub my hand on the scales. 

I think my hand's glowing some, blue, maybe. 

And then the outer shell of the creature that isn't supposed to exist is ripped away and I run to hug Sapphire because I'm alone and scared and that fearful, trapped little kid is still me, deep down, and I don't want to face what I've done. 

The sight of the majestic blue dragon makes something feel less hopeless. 

I didn't want to. 

Sapphire dips her head. I know. 

I don't want to look around, I don't want to know or remember. 

I want to forget but I can't. 

There's so many things I can't forget.

I force myself to survey the scene in front of me and I push the guilt and fear away. 

It's not your fault. 

Maybe not. 

Maybe she's right. 

But I'm still responsible for so much. 

I just-

I've been literally running since she died and I escaped, but I was always running. 

Now they'll know, and I have no doubt they'll try to find me again. 

I'm tired of running, of hurting. 

But at least now I know I'm safe. 

I carefully climb onto Sapphire. 

You know what to do. 

And she does, she always does. 

I close my eyes and try to not think about anything at all. 

I try to ignore how exhausted I am. 

But there's no escape for some things. 

I think of the whispers and I push them away. 

I think of the darkness and try to forget who I am. 

What I am. 

It doesn't work, but I was expecting it. 

This is the endless struggle of pain and hurt, and I know it well.

Because it feels like all I've ever known. 

Good can fade, you can lose yourself, and some things will break your spirit. 

But now I don't think there's anything left to break. 

It's all just shattered.