Born of starlight and shadows

~Part forty: Stella~

My head rested on the cold wall as my thoughts spun farther and farther out of my control. And as my thoughts did, everything did. Things had changed too much for me to find what once was. I felt a million miles away from everyone and everything. And I was so. Confused. What did all of this mean?

I pushed the long-forgotten tray of food away and wrapped my arms around myself, trying to feel some semblance of comfort. Everything was falling apart, too fast. I could feel worry and anxiety bubbling underneath my skin, threatening to pull me apart. What was my role in this? How was it all connected?

My thoughts raced together, more and more and more. But, amazingly, the more tangled they grew, the more clarity I seemed to gain. The conscious part of my made was barely aware of anything, but on some deeper, more fundamental level, I understood so much more. I understood how I was, and why I was here, now.

I understood everything.

But then my mind snapped awake and I lost hold of nearly everything I had discovered.

Was something reaching out into my mind from far away again? Was there something stirring could feel trouble, I could feel so much, but I could feel so little...

In an act of desperation, I reached out in my mind, hoping there was some hint of light buried that I might reach.

But I was still locked inside these cold walls. How?

The ghost of everything I'd seen, everything I'd seen but been unable to believe, seemed to fill the space I was no longer even sure I was truly occupying. If this was reality, ad it must have been, for that was all I'd known, why did it feel so...false?

But I wasn't going to try to reach out to any power or anything that might be out there, listening. I didn't understand a single thing that was rushing through the cracks of my soul, and yet, it was mine. There was a certain solidness of it that made me cling tighter to the invisible yet unrelenting chaos I had been carrying around.

And yet...

The more I seemed to cling to it, the more I seemed to fade away. Soon everything seemed to build in my heart, and I'd  had no choice but to let  it take hold of me completely. And then...try to become invisible even to me. 

What else was I supposed to do?