Finding yourself

Absence of love

How would you define love? Based on my experiences, I could define it in many ways, that is, love can be a person who saves you from the darkest hole in your life, it can be the caress of a person who has left a mark on your skin, it can also be defined as the messages that make us smile from those people we never expected to find. Love has many facets, many perspectives, but what people don't know is that it can become the worst fear of your life.

I met a guy who wanted to know about my life, to see me in person and talk for hours over coffee. Days went by and I experienced something I hadn't felt for a long time, it was like a caress to my heart knowing that he was that person at that moment. One unexpected day, I felt that caress turn into a whip that really hurt me, and turned desires into fears, and smiles into tears. This may seem like an exaggeration, but from the deepest feelings a human being can feel, it is also possible to reach a void where you don't know yourself and you don't know where you are. I have carried this emptiness for years, it is an emptiness in which I don't know what the way out is, but at the same time it reconstructs me to look at life in a different way. We know that we breathe, that we savour every moment with gratitude, that we cherish with nostalgia and we think without knowing the right answer, but have you ever asked yourself what is the answer that every human being needs in life? You may think that the answer may be common, or may even be different from others, but this question is necessary and the mind will question us one day in our lives. In mine, the issue came a few months ago, at the end of summer 2020. We have lived through a pandemic, which has been totally negative for many of us. They have separated us from the hugs, from the kisses of our partners, from those late-night get-togethers with your group of friends, even from the anecdotes that your grandparents used to tell you every morning in a café. Emotions are still recent, that is, we think with nostalgia and we live tied to the rope of fear, that fear of losing those we love. For many, it has been a relief to breathe and feel that with themselves they can go about their lives without needing the shoulder of others, but there are people who have felt this as a daily sacrifice, to breathe and to know that they face many fears they have never experienced. So the question may have been hope during confinement while many of us thought about what was in store for us from now on.

I believe that during the course of life, we go through stages that make us feel more vulnerable and others that make us feel colder, without wanting to communicate with the world. The consequences of all this is the title of the chapter you are reading: Absence of love. It's that lack of love that we need from someone who fills us as life sometimes fills us at such incredible moments to remember with nostalgia. Even this absence of love can become an absence of ego, as we build ideas that do not define us, so we come to the thought that always to have love we need someone's shoulder. These ideas can damage us psychologically, because we watch life go by looking for someone to love us, but we don't realise that we already have the fundamental pillar. It is us. Self-love rebuilds you, makes you dance to the best soundtrack of your life, and makes you believe that anything is possible. Many scientists have created experiments on how a person is able to live within four walls for months, without communication or social entertainment. What is the aim of the experiment? To show the world that human beings, ever since they set foot on Earth, have been conditioned to live with self-love and to feel good about themselves. It is true that loneliness has its consequences, since you feel in a different ego than the one you usually see on a daily basis, but not every human act always has consequences, rather, it depends on the experiences and thoughts of each person. Since my experience, I have been a girl with a lot of mental work, that is, I have always pushed myself to achieve my best, but this has led to a lot of loneliness and not being able to enjoy experiences that could have been a respite at those times. But now, I look at life differently, I used to see loneliness as a mental and physical prison, which, unlike today, I tend to love, because time with myself is a gift that life has given me. In my spare time, I may have thought of calling a friend and having a coffee in any coffee shop, but I have decided to sit in the chair in my room as I am now, to write and to inspire the world. There are times when I don't even find that motivation to turn on the laptop and write, I just want to lie in bed and daydream, like I do every night before I go to sleep. You know what I usually imagine? I imagine my ego running and caressing the green grass, that living colour of a meadow, lying down looking at the sky with soul music as a soundtrack and thinking of all the people who have opened the door of the wagon of my life. I imagine conversations that perhaps never happened, but that I wish I could have. As a conclusion, it is not always necessary to talk about everything around us, it is better to think and exist as Descartes said, instead of shouting your emotions to the world. Humans are slightly crazy beings, we show the world feelings that may not be true, or wrong, but we have the ability to feel the presence of any natural material. In my case, I am happy to lie on the grass of a meadow in broad daylight, even to imagine a butterfly nimbly perching on my nose as a friend in my life.

That absence of ego, love, or whatever you want to call it, is necessary to see if the butterfly of your life is placed on your nose, and to see that the happiness of being able to laugh with yourself is the medicine for your heart. The human heart is huge, it can blossom with many flowers of different sizes, until it becomes a garden of healthy and beautiful flowers. To do this, it must go through many storms and rains, which are necessary to cleanse the environment and grow the deepest roots of the heart. It is true that it is not achieved in two days, even if it seems an easy task, but it is normal to carry with you storms that do not let you grow from one day to the next, even leaves can fall easily. The latter can be translated as the collapse of oneself, that feeling where it hurts to move forward or to look up to the sky to grow a little bit more every day. That's why you need daylight, to feel the sun's rays on your skin, to close your eyes because the light is so strong, but who says you can't smile in broad daylight even if you can't see because of those intense rays? You are what you think, you are what you feel, and you are the human being this world needs. That meadow needs your heart to fill the garden with flowers, and your own butterfly needs to meet others.

Do you believe in the absence of love?