Finding yourself

The will of thought

Human thinking is so diverse that sometimes it is frightening and it can lead us into a storm. The decisions we make every day have both negative and positive consequences, it all depends on the act you are going to do. As human beings, we are aware of what we feel and what we think, even if it is sometimes uncontrollable. We know our inner battles and the thought is able to erase them or bring them into your daily life. There are times when we can solve our problems because of the innate capacity that thought possesses, but there are other times when we do not recognise the main thread of the problem and lose human awareness. During the quarantine, we have had too much time off, which has damaged the mental health of many. My quarantine has been an unpleasant blow, as I have felt a lot of loneliness but it has changed me into a different person. The person I carry in me is someone quiet, someone who loves solitude and does not focus his attention on the negativity of life. It is true that sadness has enveloped my soul in many situations, as it is always the legacy of the past, regrets are pains of memory. I recognised that I needed to make changes in my life, I felt the silence of those people who walked away from me, leaving an unbroken pain in my soul. The pain of the soul is that which leaves you breathless, not knowing the reasons why you are lost or broken. If you are able to recognise change, you need to know that some people bring you a million blessings, others teach you a million lessons, perhaps some come into your life for a reason, while others enter your life for a season.

One of the reasons why the thought has the will to bring about change is self-motivation. That motivation is involuntary, unexpected and above all, can bring more blessings than ruin to your life. Personally, the change I have felt has been in this way, I mean, I decided to anchor the thoughts in their corresponding stages and to walk through the flower garden smelling and savouring the present, without organising my thoughts and enjoying my own ego. What makes us human is the ego within, that unique thought that no one is able to see and at the same time protects you from the toxic. My ego is the one that carries the flowers of my own garden. The garden is the thought and the flowers represent the decisions. The leaves of the flowers, or rather, the petals, are the fears. Once we bloom, we drop the petals that are unhealthy, so we undress to show the best version of us, that version untouched since we came into the world.

I dare say that I have not yet been able to undress myself, perhaps I am doing it as I write this book but, really, nudity is appreciated when one knows one's fears and knows how to let them go through the breeze of the wind or the intensity of the rain. To let them go, it is necessary to go through the wind and the rain, without fear of losing one's existence. Losing one's existence does not mean disappearing forever from this world and remembering you through memory under a tombstone, but losing the cloak that everyone knows and undressing yourself to shine as you came into the world. I would love to see you naked and appreciate what you really have inside you. The will of human thought is the mechanism for dropping the petals and feeling the nudity of oneself, recognising the self-worth you have carried inside you since birth. Sad thoughts feed the present emotions, constituting a cyclical and repetitive loop that aggravates the mood. The actions we take are the reasons why human thought is still alive, that is, if human thought really had a limit, we would not be able to stand up for ourselves and recognise the negative consequences that witness the error of the soul. What is the error of the soul? It is the one that one recognises without acknowledging, that is, one claims to have failed but does not know how to guide oneself and keeps making the same mistake over and over again. We cannot confuse it with failure towards oneself, as it is the opposite. When we fail ourselves, we have recognised the mistake and we know how to guide the human mind by closing chapters of our life. 

There was a time when my ego didn't recognise which mistake was in my head, I was always stepping on the same stone and the times I fell I didn't even feel the pain. I felt intact, inhuman, out of connection. My ego was a prisoner of my mind, that is, I felt my emotions and thoughts locked up in the head of the heaviness. I knew that my emotions had a beginning and I had to find out what it was, until today I can say that the end is already written. It was a difficult process, as I had to go deep inside myself, but nothing is impossible for a human being. It is necessary to value every act we carry out, because it will be part of the essence of the present, the memory of the past and the smile of the future. For some, the process may be different, because instead of being the smile of the future, it could be the sadness of the future, and for others, instead of labelling memory of the past, it could be regret of the past. The reflection of the process is the fruit of human thought, I mean, the stages that our life is dealing with will be the labels of the present, the past and the future.

As a beginner in meditation, thoughts should be labelled as thoughts, I mean, any memories that are negative can be quickly removed from your mind without having to listen to "blank mind". Labels are the breakthrough to mental health, because they are those that offer the naturalness of thought, the mental process that is difficult to carry out without overthinking decisions already made. Breathing is the key to staying in the present. Focusing on the breathing process is difficult because thought is vulnerable to being judged by the ease of wandering and unanchoring the stages of the past into the present. We feel judged when we remember the past in the present, it is the poison of thought. It poisons you in an ungrateful and inordinate way, losing your ego and the anchor of your life. Once we lose both, we go into the world of depression, that is, we attract persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety or emptiness, hopelessness, guilt and worthlessness.

It is important to know where you are and where you want to go, even if you feel the blur of the future, forget to keep your feet on the ground and long for the past. We never judge by experience, we learn from them all, and if we fall into the void it is a healthy lesson, even if it hurts like a shot in the chest, but, if you don't really stumble over the same stone, do you carry emotions inside you? Are you human, or just a particle existing on Earth?