Assault With a Deadly Weapon || N.H / 1D

54.

Song recommendation: Mind Over Matter by Young the Giant
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I haven't been able to sleep in weeks. I'd always had problems sleeping, even growing up in Portland. My nightmares were very vivid when I was younger, I would have this one recurring dream about a car crash. That happened right after my parent's accident. I hadn't actually been in the crash myself, but my poor little nine year old brain would make up the scenario, and it would play out in my subconsciousness as if it were real. At the time, I had no idea why it was happening, but now I realize it was because I would constantly think about what would've happened to me if I had been in the car with my family that day. I would be in my fourth grade math class, dwelling over the idea that if I had been in the car, I might've been able to see my parents again.

Now, after really being in a car wreck, the dreams had come back. I was so close to my family once again. If I'd hit my head a little harder, I might be with them now. The hardest thing to comprehend was that I had to stop assuming that my parents were dead. They might not be, and that was the burden that plagued my mind now. If I had died, I would never know if I could've found my parents. I would've left Niall on his own to do it. That's what I was scared of now. Fearless Philly Carter was afraid of death.

The first few nights after I was taken off of the Morphine, I'd fall asleep beside Niall, and I'd have the paralyzing nightmare. I wasn't the type of person who made a big scene about my nightmares. I didn't scream, I didn't jump out of bed and start crying. My eyes would snap open, and I would be in a panic, but I knew it was fake. The crash had already happened and I was alive. All I would have to do is roll over to face Niall, he was usually in a deep sleep, rolled over, not facing me. I would move closer, wrap my arms around his waist, and cling to him, like a baby koala. I pressed my cheek to his back, feeling the warmth radiating off of him. I listened to his heart, and tried to sync my panicked breathing with his peaceful pattern.

In, and out.

In, and out.

In, and out.

This continued for about a week. I would always end up clinging to Niall after waking up. He didn't mind, but I still didn't tell him about the nightmares. He didn't need another reason to be worried about me. He had enough on his mind already. None of us had been to see Julian since the accident, and that was dangerous.

Eventually, I couldn't stand the nightmares anymore. Being woken up in distress was just as exhausting as not sleeping at all, so I didn't. Sure I would take naps in the wing every so often, but that was for two hours maximum, and I had to be sure that Niall was there, and that the door to the wing was locked.

The effects of sleep deprivation weren't as glamorous as you'd think.

"You can't sit still, hey?" Niall brought up one day when we were out for lunch on a patio. "You look like you're ready to run a marathon."

"I'm just jittery." I replied, bouncing my knee rapidly. "Must've been the coffee."

"Right." Niall said warily. "But it's never bothered you before."

"Extra stress." I shrugged. "It happens."

"Okay, well maybe we should go for a walk once we're finished eating." He suggested.

I nodded, having too many other thoughts dancing around my poor brain to really comprehend what he was saying.

After we'd finished our lunch, Niall took me to central park. Out of my year of living in Manhattan, I still hadn't had the time to go for a walk in central park. It was very pretty there. I walked with Niall, admiring the other people living their normal lives. None of these people knew what was going on with the two of us, none of them knew what we'd done. It was nice.