What Is Your Name?

Chapter 11: Noises in the Dark (Sky)

I woke up to screams that night. Ok, that's a lie. It was more like soft, terrified whimpers, but it sounded like screams. I'd never been a very heavy sleeper. I couldn't be. I had to be ready to leave whatever private property I was sleeping on in a moment's notice. Except that these whimpers were really quiet. I only woke up because of my stand-in-parent instinct. It seemed Lillian was not ok.

To be fair, we were never ok. Never had been, and we assumed we never would be. For example, I legit hadn't had a dream since before Lillian was born. Occasionally I'd hear my sister's screams in my sleep, but this was different. These whimpers were real.

"Sky?" Lillian sat up in her bed. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's ok," I told her. "Sleeping has never been either of our strong suits. The important thing is, are you ok?"

"Why can't we have a normal family?" Lillian sobbed. I should've known. This was normal. When I first went through the difficult process of teaching Lillian to read, all the books she read had happy families living in not-burned-down houses, with a mom, a dad, a sister, a brother, a picket fence, and a big, shaggy dog. Meanwhile we had a messed-up girl, her even more messed-up uncle, a guitar, and various street corners. Lillian used to believe in happily ever after. She thought one day our parents would just... come back. And back then, I didn't have the heart to tell her she didn't want her dad to come back.

"I know it's a lost cause," Lillian continued, "but what did we ever do to the universe? Nothing! The answer is nothing. I didn't even fricking exist when all this garbage began! What did Mom do to deserve this mess? To deserve me?! I shouldn't be here..."

That's when I knew: someone broke her. Maybe pulled the illegitimate love child card, so she'd feel less human. The problem was, Lillian was trusting enough to believe people like this. It was tragically easy to break her. Yet contradicting statements confused Lillian, so it was incredibly hard to fix her. And fixing her was a job that fell to me.

"Lillian, none of this was your fault. You were an unborn baby; there's nothing you could've done."

"I could've not grown cells in my brother's brain. Then he'd be alive, and the birth would've been easier on Mom, and she'd be alive, too."

"Lillian!" I repeated. "There is nothing you could've done! A baby doesn't choose where they grow! Our family didn't choose any of this! It was all Eli! Why do you think we're here?"

"Mom didn't choose me," Lillian sniffled.

"Yes, she did. Believe me, she did."

I was so confused. I was so freaking confused. Why had she done this? Why had Eli done this? Had I done anything? Was it my fault?

"You have a choice to make," the therapist said. My sister had chosen to go to therapy, but only if we all went. "You can keep the child. Or you can give it up. Or you can get rid of it." I was the only kid my age who knew what that meant. If only there were no circumstances for me to know.

These conversations were hard for my beautiful sister. They made her cry. But she didn't cry this time. She raged. "With all due respect, doctor, my children, plural, did nothing. They are not the ones who hurt me. They will never know the person who hurt me. They will have me, and Mom, and Dad, and Sky, but never Eli. They'll know I'm their mother, because I'll be around, and they'll be alive. It's not my children's fault I'm in this situation, and if they have no say in whether they live or die, they live."

"I'm aware of your opinions on this matter," the therapist said, "and I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. But being a mother at such a young age is hard. People will judge you. Your children won't be treated equally in schools."

"Yes they will," I interrupted. "I'm learning addition, and by the time Sissy's kids go to school, I'll be big and strong to beat up the meanies. I'm gonna be the best uncle ever!"

"Sky has a point, though you shouldn't be beating anyone up," my sister laughed. "It's not like my children will be alone. They'll still have a family."

"'It's little, and broken... but, still good. Still good.' Right, Sissy?" I asked. My sister loved Lilo and Stitch, and she taught me all the best quotes as if it was a necessary life skill.

"He's right. Killing my children is not an option."

"It is. Truthfully, the easier one. This is your choice, but no one would judge you for taking the easy way out," the therapist pressed.

Unfortunately for the therapist, my sister knew more quotes than just Disney. "I couldn't help but notice that everyone who is pro-choice has already been born."

We never saw that therapist again.

"Lillian, you have no idea how loved you are," I said.

"I was loved, Sky," Lillian sobbed. "But besides you, everyone who loved me is dead."

"But you have me, flower. You always will."

I remembered what happened. Lillian didn't. I sometimes thought she was lucky she didn't have to keep reliving it in her head. She thought I was lucky I had a life to relive. We were both right, and we were both wrong, but knowing that didn't make it hurt any less.