Run Away

You Said You Wouldn't

It was a long drive home that night. Sitting in the passenger seat of the car, my feet up on the dash board, humming to the music on the radio, it was quite peaceful, it's was majestic. I was worn out. My big day of fun made me a big lump of coal after.
I starred out the window as we were crossing the bridge over the water.

Ben and I loved the beach. I remember he stayed up here one weekend. That's when his parents found out about us. It was terrible.
He walked up to me at school the next day, all frantic and worried.
"I love you so much, I really do but we gotta talk. My parents said we can't be together and in a month if you still love me then they'll let us date. Don't worry I'm not dumping you! But I'm gonna tell them I did...but we'll be secretly dating."
It was like an arrow through my chest. I couldn't breathe it hurt so much, he said it with tears in his eyes. I knew him..he doesn't shed a tear unless it's something important to him.
We had been through so much you know? And the fact that he just left...just like that...it was hard to grasps. And it sucked. A lot.
I didn't know how to react or what to do. Ben was gone..and I felt like it was all my damn fault! If I hadn't of texted about our personal business or if I would of been more careful then he wouldn't of gotten kicked out.

I felt a pressure on my thigh...I looked down and saw a hand. It was Asher.....he's great but...it's just,it wasn't Ben.
I mean I love Ben, but I had to stop thinking about him or who knew what I would do.

Before I knew it we were back at Asher's...he carried me into the house, into his room. I was tired...I was hungry...I was just...in a bleh feeling mood.
He made me a pizza hot pocket. My favorite. He turned on Nemo. It had been my favorite movie ever since I was toddler
Asher took care of me unlike anyone else. It made me happy...it made me smile...it made me feel.
And I loved it. I loved him...wait no. No no no. I don't love him. Nope. Not even one bit. As a friend, sure, yes, positive. But as "I'm in love with you. Let's make babies." Haha nope sike.
I didn't love him...or was I denying it...was I denying myself to learn to live loving another? Ben had been gone for almost two months. No calls or letters. No anything. And it upset me...it hurt me.
He said he'd keep in touch. He says he wouldn't hurt me. He said it would be ok but no!

It wasn't ok! It never was...I slowly had to learn to be ok. Because...I was loosing myself. I wasn't going to let that happen.
I could slowly feel myself withering away. Like when paper burned.

The flame was at the end, you slowly saw the fire devour the paper into ash. The piece of paper would curl up as if it was scared to be destroyed.

That's how I felt. I was withered away paper. And it fucking hurt.

I felt a gentle nudge on my arm. I looked to my right and saw Asher sitting there. He looked tired from today.

"Hey, you can go to bed if you want." I said softly. Particularly because I was too tired to speak any louder.

He looked at me and gave me a small smile. "No, I'll stay up until you fall asleep."

I smiled back, for some reason I felt my eyes well up with tears. I nodded, got up, grabbed my wallet, and walked outside.

I was in a hoodie and it was slightly raining outside so I put my hood up.
I finally let it out. The tears and pain I had been holding in for two months. I fucking hate it! It hurts! I feel like nothing! I feel like shit. My heart hurts...so much.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down but I couldn't. I finally opened up my wallet and took out my lighter. It was tie-dye and it said "flick my bic" on it, it was a bic lighter. The best kind.
I took out a cigarette from the zipper. I put it in my mouth, lit the lighter, I cupped my hand so the water and wind wouldn't mess up lighting my cigarette.

I breathed it in and I let the smoke fill my lungs and I breathed out.
The ash on the end started to pile up so I flicked the end with my thumb and most of the ash fell off.
Asher walked out and saw me.
He was leaning against the wall with sweat pants on and a unzipped up jacket with no shirt on. He looked gorgeous.

"I know your hurting." He said while watching me breathe out my smoke.

"I know you know I'm hurting." I said while I finished the last bit of it.

He hugged me. Put his arms around my waist and rocking me back and forth.

"Please don't give up. I could tell you've been hurting but I didn't want to bring it up to you. But please remember I'm here...forever and always." He said as I felt him hug me tighter...I felt little rain drops fall on us.

The sky was crying with me.