Guilty All The Same (English)

33 - Insecurities

"Yurika, it's not like he doesn't love you..." The girl lifted her gaze to the vampire. "You're not convincing, not at all." "I just wanted to..." "Don't worry, I'm used to it." "Yes, your reddened eyes confirm everything."

Yurika produced a sound somewhere between crying and laughing. Ferid pulled her close to him.

"That's why after the story about your past I was genuinely impressed. When you mentioned Saito. It sounds absurd, yet that element only unites us in a way, doesn't it?" "At least in my case it wasn't actually my biological father. Your father's behaviour... is unacceptable." "But it's a fact. There's not much we can do about it." "I know, but when I think about what he put you through... it makes me angry." "The best solution is to think of something else. I'm sorry I broke down like this...every now and then I think back to my old home, my father, and the others. Then I remember being here beside you. You make me forget about everything else. And it's so beautiful."

They remained silent until Yurika remembered the misgivings she'd had about certain books the vampire owned. "Ferid, I was thinking about the tomes you gave me to consult." "Aren't they useful to you?" "No, indeed. They are far too useful. That's why I had my doubts about them. Did you get them from the army?"

"What a clever girl." "I don't believe it." She whispered. "I've never been able to find such things at home." "Maybe because no one is interested in mutating a demon into a vampire? Only a fool would do that. With all the daily drudgery a demon weapon possessor must go through, I doubt that someone would be willing to throw this all away." "Thank you, Ferid."

The vampire laughed. "I'm lucky, only a madwoman could have fallen for me." "That's not true, don't say that." "Oh, they've all always been very enthusiastic about being under my protective wing." "Then where did they disappear to?"

"Death Yurika. You know I've never really valued human life."

The girl felt a cold shiver run through her. Hearing him speak like that had the effect of a cold shower for her. The subject made her extremely uncomfortable.

Part of her, however, felt a perverse desire to know more. She knew that she should not dwell too much on certain matters, but she could not help it. The memory of that night when the vampire had tried to take her to bed reappeared frequently in her mind. And she had done nothing but refuse. It was something that scared her, she knew she had no experience in the field and she was genuinely afraid.

Afraid of not living up to the situation, living up to Ferid, to his expectations. How many bodies had he already seen? How many times had she plucked the forbidden fruit that was yet to be discovered? She would have liked to know more about this past, but she was afraid. She was afraid to ask, but above all the answers she would receive. Would she be able to bear them?

"Did you... You just wanted to get them into bed for fun?" This time it was Ferid who felt a primal thrill run through him. He was disgusted by the kind of image the girl he loved had built up of him. Disgusted because it was not entirely distant from reality. There was a long silence.

"Gross." He blurted out.

"I'm sorry, I didn't..." "I made you cry by going digging into your past. I kind of deserve it." He sighed. "Do you really think that about me?"

Yurika lowered her gaze. "I don't know what to think. You could try explaining it a bit more, if you like."

There was a moment of silence. "It's not easy to think that you've been with several people." The vampire laughed. "I'm afraid it's wrong that you think I might have been with someone. At least, as a vampire you certainly can't say I've had relationships. I've never sought them out. As if a vampire would want to seek anything sentimental then. Let's just say that my first experiences as a vampire were of an experimental nature. I started out by stealing a little blood from young unfortunates, then I began to wonder what it might be like for a vampire to possess a woman's body, to know what it felt like. If as a vampire I could consummate a relationship. So over the years I began to ask for more than blood, at first it was only with my prey, an adventure that dissolved in one night with bleeding to death. Later I tried my hand at having actual hostages, a bit like you at the beginning. Maybe sometimes I would have several, what we could call, mistresses in the same house. I did this not only to add a touch of vitality to my routine, but also to amuse myself by watching the young women discuss who among them was the one I loved most.

As if I had ever loved them. Poor deluded creatures. Maybe some of them may have fallen in love, but I don't think almost any of them really did. They were in love with the good life I could offer them, food, clothes in exchange for a little blood and some intimate services according to my needs. Actions done for the sake of some comfort and security, though everyone knew how unsafe my jaws could be. However, I never made anyone last more than two months.

They soon became boring in my eyes. Like having one of them next to me, it's an interesting experience, but it can get tiring in the long run. It's something I did, but not consistently.

Yurika, I have lived for several centuries. You could say I've had some experiences, my dear."

"Perhaps it was better to remain in the dark." She sighed. Yet she wanted to keep plunging the knife into the wound. "Were they beautiful?" Ferid was beginning to grow impatient with that questioning, there was no need to dredge up his dark past.

"One more beautiful than the other, one more sensual than the other, you know, some things need a good dose of physical attraction too." He prodded her.

She felt her body tense. Yurika tried to get up, but the vampire held her tight.

"If they were all prettier than each other, it means that with the last one I managed to reach perfection, don't you think?" "Stop talking nonsense." Yurika blurted out.

"I'm not talking nonsense, if I hadn't found you beautiful by my standards, trust me, you wouldn't be lucky enough to enjoy my presence now." The girl merely huffed.

"Love, I just wish you wouldn't think about such things, you don't need to, this is a past that has no bearing on the present. To me you are a completely different story. A story, you are not a mere object or means to my ends, you are so much more."

A brief moment of silence passed, then the girl rose. "Is it your irrelevant experience that has led you to fill me with clothes and more of the perfect size?" She blushed as she whispered those words. Ferid shook his head.

"I remind you that as an immortal creature, I have just a few more gifts than you, my dear." He rose up and walked over to her, staying behind her. Yurika felt his breath on her neck. She closed her eyes as she felt the vampire's hands rest on her waist and then move up, settling on her breasts. She remained motionless with her breath caught.

"It would be a lie to say you don't desire me, Yurika. I feel your body. I feel how it reacts to my touch." It was true, even she couldn't deny it. She couldn't deny that she didn't love that touch.

"Ferid..." She whispered. He placed a kiss on her neck and slid his hands back to her waist. Yurika moved her hands to the vampire's, that whisper had been enough for him to realize that the time had not yet come.

Surely it wouldn't have even been appropriate after the conversation they had just had. "I know Yurika. But I'm only asking you for one thing, let's put the past behind us. What has been is what has been and you can't change it, even if you wanted to you can't. I can never make amends for what I have done, for the atrocities I have done. You can never be compensated for the affection they took from you. We cannot forget them, but we can try not to let them interfere with each other. Above all, I don't want you to feel inadequate or inferior, you are not. For me you are not. My body desires you as it has never desired anyone else. It is desire for you, I want to make love to you, I don't want to simply possess you to give vent to my needs. I want to show you that I love you. In the best possible way."

Silence fell as the girl stilled those words in her heart.

"It all sounds so romantic." Ferid chuckled, "Are you surprised a vampire can express himself like that?" "You always surprise me, Ferid." The vampire turned away towards the door. "All thanks to centuries of culture, my dear." "Sorry if..." "I said I'd wait and I will. Come on, it's time for some restorative reading."

31/08/2021