Guilty All The Same (English)

27 - A glimpse into the past

Telling was not easy for Ferid. He had never done it before. He had never gone so far as to want to share part of his life with someone else, perhaps because he had never thought that anyone would ever be interested in his existence, especially after his experience with Saito, the vampire who had condemned him to immortality.

The day he had entered his life, it had taken an unexpected turn, leading him to obtain the immortality that so many human beings longed to possess. All too soon, however, the golden glow of this new life had disappeared, fading to nothing.

Saito was a very strong vampire, but more importantly, skilled in the art of oratory and manipulation.

"Kind of like me!" Ferid commented with a certain note of regret.

He said he had seen something in him that could be useful for his plans, for Saito he was little more than a pawn to be exploited within that great chessboard on which his plan was taking shape. What was it? A sort of revenge against the one who had generated him, the so-called firstborn vampire, the strongest being of all.

That was enough to generate just the right amount of adrenaline in the fresh vampire Ferid's body. But there were also other aspects that soon came to the surface. He had become a vampire, a monster who needed human blood in order to survive, a monster who lived at the expense of other people's lives.

Of course, he had never been a person too prone to sentimentality and love of others, but still... Yet having a guilty conscience also carries a burden, and no matter how small, it was still a burden. Moreover, in the early stages after the transformation, human feelings play a very important role in a vampire's psyche, still managing to exert some kind of pressure.

After that, things slowly start to change. Human feelings fade away to make way for indifference. While one may initially feel remorse for a human being, as time goes by the monstrous predatory nature prevails, but not only that. One begins to come to terms with boredom. A spasmodic quest to overcome this boredom begins. A condition that one has not chosen, but that has been imposed. Also the condition of a monster to which no kind of salvation can be granted.

That is what he had become. A cursed being that no God could redeem, no forgiveness awaiting a vampire. All chances of salvation had vanished the moment he had accepted this pact with the devil for eternal life. And if not even God could help him, then how could he hope that a human being would show him any compassion? It would never happen, it couldn't happen.

A vampire was seen as a monster without the slightest scruple, without feelings, a creature whose heart had stopped beating, whose warmth had been extinguished forever. Ferid had soon realised the curse to which he had been condemned.

For what reason? What had he done to deserve this? He still had no real answer to this question. The only thing he had learned was that love and friendship would be forever barred to him. Perhaps that was also what led to that slow change in a vampire's psyche, the knowledge that he could only provoke fear and anguish in another led him to act accordingly. Did others see him as a monster? Then he would act according to their expectations. In this way one ended up becoming a monster. One no longer gave importance to human feelings.

People acted according to their instincts, and over time their emotions faded, to the point where killing someone did not lead to any conflict of conscience. A human being was seen solely as a succulent piece of meat with which to feed, nothing more and nothing less. This hardening of emotions seemed almost a natural course. Yet there seemed to be no real logic behind it. Soon he had begun to wonder why he had been transformed.

Because at first there seemed to be a common thread behind the manoeuvres of that vampire father Saito. Too bad that one day he had disappeared out of the blue without giving any explanation to the other.