Soiled Seed

Chapter Twelve

Chapter 12

Love is Hate and Hate is Love

I hate Tommy.

That night he grabbed me by my hair and yanked me off of Lenin. I wanted to kick and scream at him. I wanted to use my fist and hit him hard in the face. Poke his eyes out was another option. That wasn’t even the bad part of that night. The bad part of it was Lenin hadn’t done anything to protect me, nor did he get mad a Tommy for grabbing my hair the way he did. Hearn calmly asked Tommy to back off but he didn’t move from the spot where I had left him. It was all a mess. I felt like I didn’t understand what was going on.

I refused to believe that after running from that horrible house I had escaped to something just as equally as bad. Tommy being the asshole he is, is keeping me from seeing Lenin. It’s killing me actually. I feel horrible not being able to see Lenin. Lenin had to switch his job schedule so he’s working graveyard. When I’m at school he’s at home, when I’m coming home he’s getting ready to head out and is already preoccupied by Tommy. Hearn is no help at all. It doesn’t even feel like he lives with us anymore. Hearn is always out sleeping at a friend’s house and he doesn’t even come over for lunch anymore. And I still see Hearn more than I see Lenin!

Tommy forces me out of my thoughts by kicking my leg under the table. It was just the two of us eating dinner since Hearn is out at a friend’s place and Lenin is working and won’t be back until 3 in the morning. “Hey, are you going to eat or are you just going to stare at it.”

I frown slightly at the sight of my so called dinner. It was just a peanut butter sandwich and a couple of apple slices. I seriously hate eating dinner with Tommy, especially if he’s the one making the dinner. I pick up the sandwich and nibble it. It’s already the third dinner we had of peanut butter n jelly sandwiches.

If Hearn came back home I’m sure we would have a decent meal for dinner. I am pretty sure that Hearn stopped coming around because I yelled at him. He didn’t look hurt but he’s been avoiding me. It kind of makes me sad. It feels as if I’m back to living in the basement, the dark cold basement with no one to talk to or to hug. If I couldn’t hug Lenin using Hearn was there for me.

This is how it is.

------

I wake up in the middle of the night and feel a warm body next to mine. It had to be Hearn since he’s the only one allowed to sleep in the bed next to me. Tommy forbid Lenin from doing so. It was defiantly a nice feeling. I shouldn’t be taking Hearn’s warmth for granted. I roll over and scoot a tad bit closer to Hearn. I could hear his slow breathing against his pillow. Looking at his face in darkness, he looked a lot like tommy. I guess it’s because they are true blood brothers all the way. I couldn’t tell if his eyes were opened or closed.

“Sorry, I yelled at you.” I whispered.

“It’s fine.” Hearn’s voice seemed to be a bit huskier. Probably because he’s tired. “Come here.” I felt his arms wrap around the middle of my back and pull me into his chest. Hard as I a rock. I smile to myself. This isn’t as comforting as it seems but it does feel quite nice. He did smell a little like alcohol... Hearn doesn’t drink does he? Nah, that doesn’t seem important.

“Are you going to make dinner tomorrow night?” I asked assuming he would be home and save dinner from PBnJ’s.

“Yeah, what should I make?” His chin rests on the top of my head.

“Something other than peanut butter and jelly.” I tell his chest.

“I thought you liked peanut butter and jelly.” He says softly.