make it easy | young royals ✓

twenty seven

Wilhelm

On a late autumn evening with the windows propped ajar, I sit by my desk tiredly after a whole day of classes followed by tedious rowing training. My pen hovers above the blank piece of paper in front of me, and I stare down at it, almost hesitant to start writing.

Dear Erik,

Too cheesy? I think frustratingly but carry on writing, my pen scratching the paper in its minuscule strokes.

I want to write to you, because first of all, I just really need a brother right now. Someone who can listen to me, but not judge me. Someone who would understand or at least be sympathetic. There's not a lot of people I can confide in, and ever since your passing, I think of you constantly and miss you greatly. I just want to get everything out, pour my thoughts onto the paper. I know you're still with me, and each day I find solace in your presence. A lot of things have happened, and you won't believe who I met.

For a moment, I'm wondering if I'm becoming completely unhinged, addressing a letter to my dead older brother about the problems of my life. I bury that intrusive thought, and straighten my posture which is becoming dangerously hunchback-like whenever I'm sitting down.

I've never given much thought to how much weight the crown holds (not literally), the mountain of burdens and responsibility and appearances one has to keep up is exhausting. I left Hillerska after the incident (I'll explain later), and spent about half a year in isolation. My only contact was the tutor, mom, and some staff at the house. My old friends from school rarely visited, and it's not their fault, I was a shell of who I used to be. Things were difficult, and life almost seemed hopeless in retrospect.

For a long time (and maybe still) I wished I never set foot into Hillerska, and that would mean you never got into an accident. Life is tremendously unfair, why did it have to be you?

However, without Hillerska, maybe life would be different in other ways because the universe sure has a thing with making me miserable either way. Well, if I told you about what your best buddy August did, I'm sure you would've been more furious than me. Sadly, you see the best in everyone, so I know to not expect a fist-sized bruise on his face coming from you if I ever decide to tell you about his wrongdoings.

My pens run out after a chunk of writing, and I eagerly retrieve another one as a replacement.

I think if you met Simon, you would like him. I never got to tell you about him, because when you asked me about the special '"someone", I was too scared and unsure to answer you. You are the person I know who will accept me for who I am but to be honest, I really don't know who I am.

I just like people who make me happy.

I think of the photo booth strip of Simon and me which we took at the carnival a few months back. I've been using it as a bookmark ever since, holding onto it like a dear treasure.

I don't want to sound depressing, but there have been a million things trying to pry us apart from each other. It seems like most days the world is content to see us suffer. Why must we be in secrecy? Why can't I love who I want to love? I think it's stupid and ignorant, placing labels on others or judging us. I don't get it, why is it such a big deal to everyone? I never expect my own family to be the ones to express disgust and disappointment the most.

Our mother, Erik, our own mother turned her back on me when the tapes of Simon and I got leaked by our cousin. She had the guts to blame me for the situation, and throughout the past months, did everything in her power to separate us. From making me appear in public with a girl, to bribing Simon to stop seeing me. She's crazy, and she thinks it's for my own good. Dad is passive, he never brought up the subject up to me but I can tell he's bothered by it. They all look at me differently, when I'm the most me I am now.

I just want acceptance. I want to stop pretending, drop the charade and kiss whoever I want in public. I know it's too much and too complicated to ask for that right now, after everything we've been through, Simon and I finally have some peace on our plate.

We're in a good place, heading to Italy soon (can you believe it?). It's so refreshing to finally be away from the eyes of the public and our parents. I always thought Sweden is considered an accepting and open country compared to other places, but this whole ordeal really showed that it doesn't matter how accepting a place is, no parent (especially the monarch of Sweden) would ever wish this onto their own child.

I've been so negative and depressing lately! I want to talk about some good things. First, (as I've already mentioned) Simon and I are heading to Italy soon. Second, I've been doing well at school (I know, me doing schoolwork? Laughable.) and focusing a lot on my extracurriculars. I've taken up rowing and been learning the piano (again, this is out of character, no?). Well, I enjoy my piano lessons (mostly because Simon is teaching me, he's gotten really good since last year). Sometimes I go horse riding around the forests on campus with Felice, and a few times with Simon (when he wants to go, but he's not the most adept at horse riding so I have to drag him most times).

I sound like the biggest nerd right now, but I've also been reading a lot of books (though I tried to steer clear from romances and failed). They started as a coping mechanism when I was at home and isolating myself; I find it easier to get lost in a world of pages rather than a movie or a tv show (because I can picture the novel in my head). A really heartwarming thing is when Simon would take interest in what I'm reading, he'll often ask me if I'm liking the book I'm reading currently, and ask to borrow them.

Sorry, am I talking about him too much? I'll promptly shut up now because this is getting a bit too long. It feels good to get my thoughts down onto the paper and tell you these things. I wish I've done that when I was at my lowest point. I guess what matters now is that I've finally found the rhythm in life again. 

"It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary" by Paulo Coelho in "The Alchemist."

Wilhelm.