make it easy | young royals ✓

eleven

Simon

I wish for once that Wilhelm can just embrace who he is. To chase after authenticity, and stop second-guessing himself or running away from his identity. I'm almost sick of the flighty glances, filled with second thoughts and hesitation. I'm waiting, hanging onto a sliver of hope that one-day things will finally be different.

After the unexpected intimacy at the carnival fair, the following days were downright brutal. We both yearned for each other, but each one of us won't give in to the callings of our bodies. It was too soon, we agreed silently, or at least I hoped he did. We're rushing into something we're not sure about, and we're not evaluating the consequences and repercussions.

One morning, we're walking around the forest part of campus for some privacy, and Wilhelm springs a question to me out of the blue.

"Who's your date for the masquerade ball?"

If I haven't been so foolish and naive, I wouldn't have thought that he's asking me to be his date. "You're going to take me, or what?"

I watch his face twist into a strange expression, and he looks down at the blanket of auburn leaves on the path. "Simon, you know I-"

"No, it's alright," my tone is defensive and suddenly cold. How have I been so silly? Ignorant to realise that Wilhelm doesn't have the courage to take me as his date in front of the whole school, the teachers, and probably the press or the royal publicists. As of now, we're still sneaking around. He snuck out of his bedroom window and met me at the side of the building before we made our way to the woods to avoid the pesty bodyguards from following.

"Simon." He stops us, and we stand in place between the ochre trees. Birds are calling to each other in the dawn, but besides the chirping of creatures, we're in a slumber of silence.

"I get it, okay?" I can't help but be angry. It's not his fault, I'm attempting to convince myself. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders as the crown prince, and jeopardising the monarchy so we can go dance in the assembly hall is not worth it. "You have a duty and image to uphold, it's fine."

"It's not fine." Wilhelm brushes back his hair. "This is not fine. I shouldn't have to hide who I am, I shouldn't have to jump out of my window just to see you. I shouldn't have to be nervous when we're together, and wondering what everyone else thinks. I shouldn't have to keep pretending to be someone who I'm not."

"You're afraid, and it's okay." My eyes search for him, and find it's full of conflict and pain.

"I'm trying, I swear." His hand takes mine, and I squeeze it in a way I hope signals reassurance. "I'm drowning in the possibilities of us, but I'm too scared to take the leap."

I listen, and watch as his emotions are conflicting on his shadowed face.

"Fuck, we're so real, Simon. This is too real to be a coincidence or a mistake."

"I know," my voice comes out quiet, as if it's only meant for his ears. "I know."

***

Sara and my hasty apology to each other are brief, but it lifts off the weight that's been pressing on my chest. We're okay now, and keeping an eye out for each other when we're not doing our own thing. She's been spending an increasing amount of time at the stables, and I'm juggling schoolwork and the situationship with Wilhelm and rowing. It's not enough to silence the voices that are overthinking the most bizarre thoughts, but I won't trade my routine for the world.

Waking up to breakfast with Wilhelm sitting opposite of me, us sitting in the few classes together, sharing exchanges of glances and notes across the table. Sometimes we'll spend time in the music room playing the piano, and occasionally he'll play, but most of the time he listens.