Bucky x Suicidal!Reader

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TW SELF HARM, TRIGGERING THOUGHTS, DREAMS OF ABUSE

(Y/N)

Laying my bed pondering what they could've been like. Would they have been like this too? I had thought as i looked at my arms, or were they happy? Tears had pricked my eyes with the numbness of the pain.

I sat up right and grabbed a key from under my mattress. I looked at the key and unlocked my drawer that was filled with pills, knives, and razors. I stared at it then closed the drawer after grabbing one of my knives.

I started cutting my arm, not deep enough. Not yet, soon I thought hissing at the pain slightly. I was used to it mostly.

I jolt up as I hear a knock. "One second!" I yell out, hurrying over to my first aid kit and sweatshirt. I wrapped the wound up and slipped on a sweatshirt, I then opened the drawer dropping the knife in and locking it back up.

Hearing another knock I felt a wave of annoyance. "I said one sec-" my sentence cut off as I opened the door. The blue eyes looking at me with a puzzled face.

He cleared his throat. "I'm bucky, I'll be in the room next to you." He introduced himself. Awkward silence as I stared at him with tearful eyes. "Steve said I introduce myself."

I huffed with a tear rolling down. "You talk like you don't know what you did." I go to close the door.

He stops the door from closing with his foot. "What do you mean?" I couldn't believe it, he's playing dumb.

I took one look at him and stomped onto his foot and closed the door as he retracted it in pain. I locked my door and slid down it. I stayed there til his footsteps faded away.

Rolling my sleeve above my fist to wipe my tears away as I stood up while taking deep breaths. An knock comes shortly after.

"I dont want you here!" I yelled out.

"Y/N..." Steve's voice said softly. I unlock the door to face Steve. His saddened face looking at me. "I'm sorry about bucky, I told him he probably shouldn't talk to you but I guess he doesn't remember."

"Bullshit." I say through tears threatening to spill.

Steve sighs. "Please eat today though, I'll take you out to eat. No bucky involved, okay?"

I shake my head. "Just leave a plate at my door." I close the door in his face. Its his fault, you guys should've killed him. He told him to introduce himself to others. My thoughts springing around.

"If you ever change your mind just holler." Steve said through the door before walking away.

I laid down on my bed rolling my sleeve down to look at the bloodied bandage. Wasn't the first time I had this but I am just scared that Wanda would know what goes on in my mind. I didn't want to be locked up in a mental hospital, shuddering at the thought.

Laying down not bothering to pull the sleeve down, I start to drift to sleep.

Dream

Looking around you see that you are in your childhood home back in the 40s. Your nuclear family. This was different though. This was the time you had ran away to join the army secretly as a "young boy".

You remember this night. All the sudden the door swings open and in the door frame a mans silhouette. Its been so long you dont even know what he looks like anymore but you could tell he was angry.

"I told you to fucking stay away from my shit!" He spit out but slurred.

"I didnt dad." You managed to choke out, he was clearly drunk.

He walked closer. "You did touch my shit you bitch, ungrateful brat cant keep her hands off of whats not hers!" He strikes you with his hand.

You look at him with tears starting to form. "What are you gonna fucking cry!?" He screamed as he grabbed your jaw firmly. "I'll give you something to cry about"

You panicked, you didnt want to remember this part.

End of dream

I hadn't noticed I've been screaming until Steve and Sam started shaking me and trying to tell me to wake up.

My eyes shot open and looked around. I saw Barnes looking concerned. Then I looked down, Shit I had thought my arm.

"Are you okay kiddo?" Sam spoke. I just nod grimly trying not to cause the tears to start flowing.

"Talk to us." Steve's voice laced with worry. "What happened?" He gestured to my arms.

I sat up and shook my head still trying not to cry in front of Barnes.

Steve then looked at Barnes and realized the tension between us. He got up and whispered something to Barnes. Barnes just nodded and walked out, closing the door fully behind.

"Can you talk to us now y/n?" Steve turned to me. He never knew of my past, Wanda never intruded into her thoughts purposely to figure it out.

I let out a shaky breath. "It was just a nightmare from Hydra, im fine." I lie. "I'll be fine."

Steve nodded. "If it's more than that please tell me."

"We are taking you out to eat tomorrow, and no protesting young lady." Sam smiled at me. I just nodded.

"Sleep well y/n, stay safe." Steve looked at me with sad eyes as they both leave.

I laid down and drifted back to sleep, hoping it wouldn't be another nightmare.