Silhouette

Desideratum.

I wish I knew all the right things to say.
That my stutters could turn into meaningful plays.
I wish I wasn’t so closed off to anyone who’s ever tried to stay,
shut them out so I could evade.
I wish I could take back every word I’ve ever said
every one I meant and every one I didn't.
Shape them in a way so they wouldn't hurt
I'm tired of my edges ripping them.
I wish I could turn back to every mistake I’ve ever made,
undo them to reverse the pain.
I wish I knew how to make people stay.
To shut the door so they can't walk in, or away.
I wish I knew that my decisions will have consequences
that will haunt me till my very end.
I wish I realize the fact that the version of myself in my head is an illusion meant to hurt everywhere.
I wish I would see that self-destruction isn’t the way
so maybe I wouldn't wither away.
I wish I could quiet the voices in my head
yet the silence is overrun by the storm.
I wish I knew what you see when you look at me.
To see what my reflection holds,
maybe I would hate myself a little less.
I wish I knew what my next step would bring
and maybe I could save myself from the deep end.
I wish I would stay when things get too much,
without running away from what I once craved.
I wish I was strong enough to hold on
to the hope I once let go.
I wish I could be less altruistic,
so as to be unaffected by charm
which dragged me to my grave
and left me bare.
I wish the I of old could see the future
so she'll see it isn't as grey
as her pessimism insists.
That all her scars have healed
and new ones claim their place.
I wish I were selfish.
Selfish enough to care about me
maybe I wouldn't have let you win.
I wish I were stone cold
so your claw clad hands wouldn't grasp me.
I wish I were free and that I had the will
to grasp the floret despite its thorns.
But above all
I wish I were bold enough to be me.
-si