Best Mistake (Someone somewhere in this world)

Chapter 19 - break up

After everyone left again, I changed from the depressing dress that I've been wearing all day, into some black leggings and a white t-shirt. After I put my hair into a pony tail, I walk to my parents bedroom and knock on the door. "Come in" mum exclaims.

I slowly open the door and step inside. It's dark, mum had closed all the blinds and is sitting on the floor, in front of a box and pictures spread out on the floor. The lamp, on the nightstand is all that gives brightness to the room. I close the door behind me and I sit down on the edge of the bed. "What are you going?" I ask my mother.

"Your dad, left this box for us" mum tells me. I stand up and sit down next to her. In the box are letters and more pictures. "He had been taking pictures of us without telling us"

"Oh my goodness" I exclaim when I see a picture of Luke and Hope as babys in a bathtub together "Their were so cute" I say and take the picture.

The door opens and Luke comes in. "Who is cute?" He asks, closes the door and sits down next to mum.

"You and Hope" I tell him and give him the picture. We look through all the pictures that dad had been secretly taken and laugh a lot because most of the photos are just funny. One after another we put them back into the box after looking at them.

This night we all sleep in the living room, while the fireplace is on. We used to sleep in the living every Sunday when Hope was still alive but after the accident we stopped the tradition. It feels good so do things again, that we used to do all the time, back then.

- - - -

It's been 2 weeks since the funeral and I started to feel depressed. My panic attacks come more often now and my nightmares are a nightly thing. I've been hardly taking to anyone except for mum, Luke and Keira and Adam.

Mum didn't forced me and Luke to go back to school until few days ago when she started to work again. Mum has always been working in a retreat centre and my dad was the doctor there. His dream was to own a retreat centre and we were close to afford the amount of money that would cause to buy the ground and the house that's on it. We were very close but not close enough. Now after dad died, we can afford it and much more from his heritage that he left us. We even found a better place to open up the retreat centre. It's in England, near Oxford.

We're going to move there and I already applied to Oxford University for next year. The plan is that Luke and I are going to finish school there and then go to college. Luke has some more years in front of him before he can actually go to college because he's younger than I am.

Adam and I are spending a lot of time together and he wants to continue our relationship even though I'm going to move away. Every time we meet, he reminds me of the winter ball and of my father. It feels like a stab in my back over and over again. Adam is really respectful and gives me space when I need it. I really appreciate it, but every time he comes one step closer to me, I take two steps back because I know our relationship is not working out.

I feel like, I can't love him. I mean, I do. I do love him but at the same time I feel like I can't. It's hard to describe it. I just feel so much pain inside of me that I can't show love. I want to make him happy, but I can't. I can't make him happy, when I'm not happy. I'm constantly in pain and even though, it got a bit better, I still feel the pain inside of me.

I should break up with him... He'll find a better girlfriend. It's not fair to be with him when I only make him worry about me. It's not fair to lock him inside of this relationship that's going no where. Because every time he reaches out for me, I reject him. He doesn't want to show it but I can feel.. that it's been hurting him. I don't want to hurt him. I want him to be happy and he can't be happy with me...