All Good Things: Green Series 5 (Pre-Serum Omega!Steve x Alpha!Bucky AU)

Fifteen

This was a life that had hardly begun

No time to find your place in the Sun

No time to do all you could have done

But we loved you enough for a lifetime

– Mary Yarnall, Too Soon

The casket was too small for Steve's mind to wrap around this moment. This funeral. It was really happening. With their friends and family surrounding the grave and offering Bucky and Steve their condolences, even though Steve didn't want them. He wanted his daughter. The very one that was too small to fit in the pink casket, so they put the lamb lovey in there too.

It had been Oliver's idea. So she wouldn't be afraid of the dark. So she wouldn't be alone.

Standing between Bucky and Natasha, Steve felt like he was suffocating. Stepping out from under Bucky's arm and wishing that he could remove the weight of the world off his shoulders too. Instead, he inhaled deeply and dug his nails so deeply into his palms that he drew blood.

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

With a tug on the leg of his slacks, Steve directed his attention down. Seeing Finn standing beside him with his arms raised in the air. Reaching down, Steve lifted him. Settling Finn on his hip, he rubbed his back as the almost two year old scented him. However, Steve had been wearing blockers since they returned from the hospital. Not wanting anyone to discover just how sour his scent had become.

"How about we get some food, hmm?" Winnie asked with red rimmed eyes, "The brisket should be done soon."

Steve didn't have an appetite, and he didn't know how to refuse the kind gesture. Especially not from his mother-in-law. Not after he couldn't carry her grand-daughter to term. Knowing that it was his fault that the blood clot that his body made stopped her little heart.

"I think we're just gonna head home," Bucky told his mother. Declining for them.

Steve should've felt thankful for his husband's understanding that now wasn't a good time. But really, he just felt guilty. Burying his nose in Finn's soft blond curls, Steve inhaled that content pup scent and tried not to think too much about anything.

"Papa, can we go home now?" Oliver whined, tugging on Steve's slacks the same way Finn had.

Taking his little hand in his, he moved him closer to Bucky. Passing Finn to his husband, Steve rasped, "I need a minute."

Agony washed over Bucky's expression and through the bond to him as he nodded. Leading the boys towards their vehicle, Steve watched as their friends and family gave them hugs and kisses. They had tried to do the same with Steve earlier, but he couldn't handle such affection. It already felt like he was pushing it by allowing his sons to do so. They should be repulsed by him.

After all, Steve was.

Taking a light pink rose from the bouquet Steve placed on Sarah's grave, he unceremoniously tossed it into the fresh grave beside it. It was a sweet gesture. To have two of Steve's most important gals in the same spot. Another reason why his mate was too good for him. Deserved an omega who could carry to term. Give him every baby.

Gritting his teeth until he tasted blood, Steve made sure that his emotions were in check again before turning from the grave. The only thing that brought him peace was hoping that if there was a place out there after life, his mom would keep an eye on her granddaughter. Even if Steve would've preferred them both being there with him.

"I was thinking maybe the boys could stay with me next weekend," Natasha suggested, catching him on the way to his Volvo.

Fatigued to the bone, Steve deeply exhaled, "Okay. Just... text me. Or Bucky."

As she rubbed his back, Steve tensed, and her arm dropped. Sympathetically, she offered, "I can take them sooner if you need a break."

"Thanks, Nattie," Steve replied, forcing a small smile and patting her back.

Getting the door for him, Natasha reminded, "Call me if you need anything."

"I will," Steve lied.

"Bye-bye, Auntie Nattie," Oliver called from the backseat. Prompting Finn to copy, "Bye-bye!"

"Bye-bye, sweetie," Nat waved at them. Offering, "Maybe you'll want to have a movie night next weekend, yeah?"

"That would be great," Bucky softly replied while the boys cheered from their car seats.

Smiling, Natasha closed the passenger door and waved once Bucky started pulling away. Out of the cemetery, Bucky reached over to place his hand on Steve's leg. However, Steve knew that he shouldn't. Without thinking, Steve moved his thin legs closer together and angled himself towards the door.

The pain that had been constant in the bond, spiked. Steve's heart clenched at that. He didn't want to cause his husband pain. Well, any more pain than he already had. Steve just didn't want Bucky to touch him when he was so repulsive and such a failure.

"What are you in the mood for tonight?" Bucky asked, pulling down their street.

Steve shrugged and Oliver loudly answered, "'Mate-O soup and jill cheese!"

"Yeah?" Bucky softly grinned as he glanced in the rearview mirror. Redirecting his attention to Steve, he asked, "That alright?"

"It's fine," Steve confirmed, keeping his gaze out the window. It was snowing and Steve was cold, deep in his soul. When Bucky pulled into their garage, Steve added, "I'm going to lie down."

"Okay, honey," Bucky agreed. Offering, "You want me to run you a bath?"

Briefly clenching his jaw, he harshly declined, "I can take care of myself."

Apologetically, Bucky clarified, "I was just trying to be nice."

"Well, I don't need you to be nice," Steve stormed out of the SUV, letting Bucky take care of their sons. Not stopping until he was in the master bedroom and the door was locked. With his back against the door, Steve covered his face, begging for the tears to retreat.

Hearing the small footsteps of Oliver and Finn running through the house, Steve doubled his efforts to regain control. Needing to be strong for his guys. Needing to apologize to his spouse. Needing to not be such a coward.

Swallowing down the emotion, Steve unlocked the door and left the room. Making his way back to the kitchen, he found Bucky getting the ingredients together. His eyes were red from all the crying he had done, and Steve hated himself for causing his husband's current agony.

"I, uh," Steve started. Voice rough from disuse, he cleared his throat and continued, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped."

"It's okay," Bucky assured, leaning in to kiss Steve's temple. Steve fought the best he could to not flinch at the sweet gesture, but he wasn't sure he succeeded. Judging by the hurt clear on Bucky's face, he hadn't. Busying himself with getting food ready, Bucky added, "This is all a lot. I'm not gonna blame you for lashing out."

"I'm still sorry," Steve shrugged.

Nodding, Bucky reassured, "I know. And I accept your apology."

Worrying his lower lip with his teeth, Steve turned and headed back for their bedroom. Passing the boys' room, he caught them playing with their little toy cars in their underwear. A small smile tugged at his lips, before tears came to his eyes.

Clenching his jaw, he started back down the hallway. Passing the would-be nursery and the door that had been closed since they returned from the hospital. Not stopping until he was in his room. And even then, not stopping until he climbed into bed, still in his funeral attire.