All Good Things: Green Series 5 (Pre-Serum Omega!Steve x Alpha!Bucky AU)

Eighteen

Determined to be better, Steve got back into the swing of his former routine. Waking up with Bucky. Sharing a morning routine with his husband. Getting Oliver up and around for preschool while Bucky got ready for work. Meal prepping for the week's dinners. Making grocery lists so he could make sure they had everything they needed. Spending the day with Finn, watching kids shows and working with him on learning colors, expanding his vocabulary, and encouraging his creativity.

All the while, pushing his pain to the very back of his mind. Not wanting to feel any of it. Deciding that he didn't need to feel any of it. He had his month, that was enough.

However, when Finn took his nap, Steve was left alone with his thoughts. And that simply wouldn't do. So, unlike after Sarah passed, Steve got his art supplies and got to work. Painting the little peg people and gifting them to Finn and Oliver when they were dried a couple of days later. Making small houses and cars, so the boys' imaginations were stimulated.

Thankful that he took wood shop in high school even though it was filled with more alphas and betas than omegas and he had to get through the lame comments about how he'd fare better in home economics. To spite the jerks, Steve had baked brownies and only gave them to those who hadn't spent the semester hassling him. And while that was years ago and Steve hadn't used those skills very often, he was glad that he had them now.

"This one looks like daddy," Oliver smiled, shoving the wooden peg doll in his face to make sure that Steve saw it.

"He does," Steve gave his son a small smile. When the four year old leaned in to rub his nose against Steve's, he let him and told him, "He looks like you too."

Oliver preened, "Because I look like daddy."

"That's right," Steve confirmed, ruffling Oliver's dark hair and watching the toddlers played.

There were increasingly more wooden toys now than plastic, and Steve glanced over at the table where more little peg dolls were drying. Maybe he should slow down. Or do something with them. Only, he had given some to his nieces and nephew too and didn't want to get on their parents' nerves.

"Guess who picked up some pizza," Bucky greeted, entering from the garage.

"It's Wednesday," Steve said, brows furrowing while the boys excitedly rushed over to greet their father. "We were supposed to have garlic chicken and cauliflower rice with broccoli."

"As good as that sounds –" Bucky set the pizza boxes down on the island "– I thought that you could use a break."

Crossing the living room for the kitchen, Steve repeated, "A break?"

"Yeah," Bucky confirmed. Shrugging, he explained, "You work so hard, and I just thought that you could use a night to just relax."

"This isn't part of the schedule though," Steve insisted, gesturing towards the dry erase calendar with a shaky arm. Breathe, he reminded himself before lying, "And I'm fine. I don't need a break."

Sighing, Bucky averted his gaze from Steve to the pizza and clarified, "I was just trying to be nice. You do so much around here and I just thought... It doesn't matter what I thought. I should've called. I'm sorry."

The pizza might not had been a part of their new routine, but this was. The miscommunication. The apologies. The pain that laid in the bond just beneath the surface. It had been two months since Steve had decided to stop moping, but it had been three months since they had felt like themselves. Or at least, since Steve had felt like himself, and he doubted that he ever would be who he had been. Be who Bucky fell in love with five years ago.

"It's fine," Steve dismissed, heading over to the table to clear it of his crafts.

Coming up beside him, Bucky lowered his voice and assured, "I'll call next time."

"Okay," Steve accepted. Setting the wet dolls on the counter and the dry ones in the tub in the corner.

"Ya know," Bucky started, washing the table, "I could make... it... into your craft room. That way you won't have to be so cramped out here."

Although they had a spare room now, Steve wasn't sure he'd be able to stand being in it. Worrying his lower lip, Steve lied, "I don't mind."

"Ya know, I bet people would love to buy them," Bucky suggested, getting place mats out of the cupboard. Putting them at their usual seats around the circle table, he added, "I bet Tibby could help you set up an online shop. Or even feature them in her own shop."

"I, uh," Steve chewed on the inside of his cheek, "I'll think about it."

Nodding, Bucky grabbed the plates and set them out too. Making sure to give the boys their designated smaller plates with colorful cartoon animals. Quietly, the pair got things ready for their meal. Steve knew that Bucky wasn't happy, and he was self-aware enough to know that it was because of him. But he had to be strong. His schedule helped. His projects helped. Bucky's kindness didn't.

Bucky's kindness was going to break him.

Opening the smaller box, Steve found the macaroni and cheese pizza for the kids. Divvying the slices between the two plates, Steve pushed down his unease. Suppressed the notion that anything was wrong at all. Over the months he had gotten good at doing so. Even if it was hurting his bond and marriage. Self-preservation was Steve's upmost goal. After all, it was a slippery slope to end up depressed and in bed. And he couldn't do that to his guys again.

When Steve opened the bigger box, he found a meat lover with pineapple. His favorite. His chest clenched. Knowing that he didn't deserve such a kindhearted man. He had always known it, but now it was just more obvious.

Placing a couple of slices on his plate, he let Bucky get his own. As Steve took his seat at the table, Bucky herded the toddlers into the kitchen after washing up. The boys immediately dug into their slices while Bucky took a couple of slices of the large pizza for himself.

"How was school today?" Bucky asked Oliver, genuinely interested.

Quickly chewing and swallowing the bite, Oliver excitedly answered, "We learned the letter G!"

"Yeah?" Bucky encouraged, wiping his mouth with his napkin. Oliver enthusiastically nodded and Bucky good-humoredly teased, "See, you're gonna be as smart as papa in no time."

Directing his attention to his husband, Bucky winked, and Steve blushed, instantly dropping his gaze. Not knowing what he did to make Bucky love him, but especially not knowing what he did to keep Bucky loving him. He didn't deserve him. Bucky deserved better. Someone else deserved the fond, heart-stuttering winks, mind-numbing sex, and the Earth-shattering love.

Clenching his jaw to keep his emotion at bay, Steve kept his gaze on anyone but Bucky. Went through their evening routine without looking at Bucky for longer than a moment. Drying the dishes that Bucky washed. Bathing the kids and tucking them into bed. Standing in front of the double vanity as he got ready for bed with his husband right there beside him.

Tucking himself into bed, Steve removed his glasses and removed his hearing aids. Settling on his side, he pulled the comforter up to his shoulders and tried to wrap himself like a burrito while not hogging all the blankets. Bucky settled on his side of the bed. Just like every other night for the past three months, Bucky came up behind him, draping his arm along Steve's waist. And just like every night for the past three months, Steve tensed.

With a soft sigh, Bucky kissed the back of Steve's neck and removed his arm. Rolling over to his other side, Bucky settled in for the night. That familiar pain prickled along the bond to Steve, but he couldn't do anything. Wasn't ready for such affection.

"I love you," Bucky softly said.

And just like every night for the past three months, Steve couldn't say it back.