Love At First Sight Part Two

Chapter 247 - I'm Here

"Heyyyyyy, Eve, so good to see you! How're you?", Gabi says as she picks up the phone. I smile bright and answer: "I'm feeling pretty great. Being engaged is great. I can't believe it's been a month since Erl asked me. I always catch myself looking at the ring... Like... At least ten times per day." Gabi chuckles and then goes: "Yeah, I know that feeling. When Jan asked me I also couldn't stop staring at the ring. And now I can't stop staring at the other thing he gave me.", stroking over and looking at her belly in the end. And damn, her belly is huge! And she's only four months pregnant, damn! But she's glowing so damn much and she looks the happiest a person could ever look. "It's a wonderful thing and I really understand why you're looking at your little one all the time. He or she is a miracle.", I say with an affectionate glance in my eyes. Gabi smiles, looks down for a moment, then looks me in the eyes again and says: "Yes, he is."

Immediately my jaw drops and I open my eyes widely. "Oh my god, it's a boy?", I ask and Gabi nods slightly. "Oh wow, congratulations! For how long have you known about it?", I ask next. "Yesterday. You're the first one to know by the way, I didn't even tell Jan yet. But oh my god, I'm so exited! I always hoped to have a son first, having an older brother is the best thing in the world and I loved the thought of my second child experiencing that. And now that dream is coming true.", she answers exitedly and with dreamy eyes. It's so cute to see her that happy but at the same time there is this weird feeling inside of me. The emptiness inside my chest is almost painful. The emptiness hat Madita left inside of me. It's always there but now that I have Gabi, happy about her little baby boy, Julian and Maddy with their unborn child and Gigi and Benji with their twins around me it is not just a little bubble. It fills my whole chest. It feels like there's nothing but emptiness in there. Especially when they're not just around but also talking about their luck. I mean... I am totally happy for them but it just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that I was on my way to be that lucky and then lost my miracle. That I wasn't allowed to have this luck. That all feels so mean. Like... Why me? Why?

Whilst Gabi keeps talking about her pregnancy and excitement silent tears start running over my cheeks. I just can't hold them back no more. It's been almost a year since our baby girl died but right now it feels like yesterday again. The pain comes alive again. Everything just hurts again. I'm really reliving the worst time of my life.

Suddenly Erl's arms wrap around me and he pulls me close whilst saying: "Hey Gabi, I'm sorry but I think it's better to end the call at this point. I'll give you a call tomorrow, okay?" Through my tears I can barely see anything but I think I recognize that Erl's sister ist nodding before I hear her say: "Oh fuck. Of course. Shit. Im so sorry, I don't mean to -" "It's okay. You didn't mean to, it's not your fault. Bye.", Erl interrupts her before ending the call. Then he gives me his full attention.

He pulls me in his arms and on his lap and just holds me very tight. We're so close to each other that nothing would fit between us. And that's exactly what I need right now. His warmth and closeness, it just feels so good. "Shhhhh, my angel, I'm here. Its okay, let it all go. Don't be ashamed. It's okay.", he whispers over and over again whilst stroking over my back and ruffling through my hair. It calms me down but that really takes a while because I'm so upset and heart broken.

As I seem to look stable enough Erling quietly asks: "It's because of Madita, isn't it?" I nod and again burst in tears, sobbing loudly and slowly turning his light green hoodie in a dark green one by crying into it. Again Erl does his best to comfort me and as I realize its working I stay silent for a few more minutes before I explain everything to him. How much I'm still hurt in everyday life. How hard it is to see pregnant women in the streets. How much I'm suffering when I see happy pregnant women or mothers with their children, knowing that I would've has both by now of everything went right. How much it breaks my heart to now also have expecting couples or couples with babies in my friend group and how jealous I am. That I can't even really be happy for them even though they all are the best and deserve to have little happy families. How unfair everything feels and how bad I feel about everything.

My fiancé listens closely to my words and says the right things at the right times. As I've finished with everything he needs a second to sort his words, then he whispers: "Eve, I totally understand how hard it is. I already suffer a lot and I can't even imagine how you are feeling. And I am so proud of you for your progress. You're working on it which is very hard and that makes me unbelievable proud. And when it comes to your friends... I understand that you feel guilty for not being able to be totally happy for them. And I'm sure they will understand as well. I mean... None of them can imagine the pain we, the pain you are feeling, but they know how incredible having a child feels and by just thinking about losing theirs would hurt them so much that they would understand and keep this sensible topic away for you. But I don't think they just know that. But we can change that, I will call them and tell them about it tomorrow, that will make it easier, hm? And whatever happens, I'm always with you and you can always count on me and tell me everything. I love you even. More than anything else in the world. And now please tell me what I can do to make you happier again."