Without you - Sanders sides human! AU - book 2 (discontinued)

An apology part 2

I thought that after i took a break, i'll be able to continue writting this story as I had planned, but I can't seem to motivate myself, so sorry. Not many people read this anymore, and i think y'all deserve better, so, since i'm not gonna write anymore this story, i think you guys deserve to read the last chapter i wrote and the plan i had for this book which i won't finish

chapter 36 (roman's pov)

So- maybe in retrospect Logan had a reason to freak out a bit, even if he didn't know i only slept 6 and a half hours last night. But, in my defense, it shocked me a bit much. The only thing I could think about was that he was comparing me to Remus- I would never take drugs, but Remus would. I bet he already has. 

The reason I'm out and running is because I couldn't bare to stay another day in bed, not even in my room. Before at least I could spend my hours talking to Dee and not be bored. But now that he's Janus, I can't do that. Yesterday was hell, being so alone with myself and my spiriling thoughts, the feeling of emptiness and avandonement, the preasure of lying to my friends- It had been sufocating. 

Also, the last time I had gone to work out had been forever ago and my body was starting to notice. My belly, that before had something not too far away from abbs was starting to get chubby. Logan had said before that working out and doing excersise helped with dopamine and some shit like that, so there's a chance that'll help me as well... Whatever it took to get Dee out of my mind.

As I ran with the music beaming through my skull, I had my head empty. I knew that I was moving, that's a fact, and i knew that I was running and where i was going, but at the same time, I had this feeling of not actually doing this, of being elsewhere, as if I saw myself from outside, as if I was reading a book where I'm the protagonist, as if I felt myself from a third person pov... I had experienced similar things before, but it was more with my daydreaming, where I'll get trapped inside my head with stories yet to imagine. Right now, I had no thoughts in my head, only music and movement. 

I let myself be embraced by this state for a while, keeping my mind blank and only focusing on movings. The lonley streets passed by, christmas decorations flashing on and off, making me get distracted by them but forgeting I ever looked at them in the first place 5 minutes later. After I'm not sure how long, I noticed a buzz. I ignored it, but the buzzing continued.

bzzzz

bzzzz

bzzzz

bzzzz

Oh shoot, someone was calling me. I stopped, panting, and picked up my phone, it was Patton.

"H- hey Pat," I said, almost out of breath. Wow, now that I stopped, I started to notice how tired I really was...

"Hi Roman! How's it going?" He asked.

"Fine, i've been running for a bit. Why you asking tho?"

"Well... You've been out for almost an hour now, Logan is starting to get a bit nervous, so is Virgil... I tried telling them that you're probably ok, but they insisted on calling. Everything alright?"

"Heh, yeah, it's all chill, I just came out for a run, nothing's wrong" I replied, half lying. Nothing was chill, but I didn't want them to worry, "Why is Logan so worried tho? It's a bit out of character, he's ussually the one to say everything's ok"

"He's... concerned for your reaction regarding the conversation you had with him this morning-" With the mention of this, I rememberd what I had managed to get rid off in my mind. Great, "He says he's very sorry for bothering you and that he wasn't thinking straight and that-"

"Patton, it's fine, really. I'll be out for a bit more, then i'll come back home, don't worry."

"Alright... See ya!"

I hang up and put my phone back in my pocket. Even if I was exhausted, I decided to keep on running for a bit more. My limbs hurt, I was sweating and my head begged me to stop and take a break, but I wasn't on the mood of listening. I didn't care if my body couldn't keep on, I wasn't going to stop running until I got home.

Once I arrived, it was around 10am. I had been running for a bit less than two hours, with a few stops to take breaks and drink coffee. The second I came in through the door, Virgil came towards me and started to talk to me, but I wasn't listening. My main focus was to go the bathroom and take a cold shower. 

The icy cold water shocked me, but I didn't turn it warmer. I wanted the cold, the shock, the icy feeling making my body shake. Maybe this was risking getting a cold, but I didn't care. The cold water would bring up my attention and stop me from falling down from exhaustion.

The reflection from the mirror looked back at me and I hated it. There was something wrong with it, he didn't really look like me. there was simply something off. It was probably the hair. My hideous hair. I had the temptation of just grabbing my scissors and cutting it all off. But I didn't. At least, not directly.

Almost subconciously, I picked up my phone and sent a text to Dee.

Dee💛

Roman: Hey, do you think I should cut my hair?

is it too long?

Big mistake, texting Dee. I had the temptation of errasing the messages seconds after sending them, but I stopped upon seeing three dots at the top of the screen. Dee was texting.

I awaited. I awaited in the bathroom to see what he had to say. As much as I hated Janus, I loved talking to Dee, and his reasurance was something I already missed only 24h after our last conversation. It was sick. 

Now... My plans for this book:

My idea is that Roman has grown very dependant of Janus; he talked and vented to him about everything and needed his support, so now that he can't do that he becomes desperate, which ends up of the two dating. At first, it looks like a good relationship but soonly becomes toxic because Janus manipulates Roman's feelings and all, like he has slightly been doing throught the book with the text messages

The other 3 end up finding out, and even if Virgil is mad for a bit, he is more mad with Janus than with Roman. Finally, Roman breaks out with Janus, and he gets a text from Remus. Remus has alcohol and the twins drink together a bit. 

Stuff doesn't go amazing but at the end Roman heals

It's been many months since i last wrote, so I don't really remember the exact things that needed to happen, part of the reason i can't keep writting

Again, sorry guys, I loved writting these books and i'd love to finish it like a proper person but i really can't...

I hope you guys where able to enjoy this book as long as it lasted, and that y'all are looking foward to reading my original book that'll soonly be up

Take it easy, guys gals and non binary pals!

i luv u!