Hope

My unspoken thoughts

Most people always perceive me as an ice maiden: a too-restrained woman who clearly doesn't have much affection: someone with a cold heart and curt response to a simple hello and goodbye, or someone with apathetic eyes and always remains tight-lipped. Yes, I am to be considered an ambiguous puzzle, or an abstract painting that often misleads people to have false perceptions about me.

But, what they don't see is that my entire soul yearns for someone who deeply understands the depth of silence and the beauty that surrounds it. What they don't really see is my excruciating pain from brokenness in different life situations that are only concealed deep in my eyes.

My immediate responses to a plain "hello" may often sound evasive, but that's because it came from countless disappointments right after letting people in and being left behind without even a single word of farewell. And what makes it more painful is that these kinds of people leave as if you were never part of their lives.

So, this pure heart of mine has finally learned the art of putting up walls so no one would suddenly enter and leave me hanging. But the more I build walls, the more people I shut out of my life. . . which makes me have an unanswered question: "Do I need to deprive myself of happiness by shutting people out?"

And there's this part of me that silently screams, "I'm doing just fine alone and I don't need anybody else to complete me" which I must admit, is truthfully right. But the question that I would get before I close my eyes and be drowned in my thoughts again is, "Do I deserve this?"

But you can't blame a shattered heart for running away from things that would make it love again. Because I've been through a myriad of almost-falling in love's and from the first butterflies in my stomach because of almost-felt-conversations, and from that almost hopes into having pure happiness: it all turned me into a delicate human being who's wishing for a miracle: to be loved and cherished without reluctance.

And this is also an obvious reason why I've always had bad dreams that come to life in the form of suffering. They tickle my emotions until I get lost and never find my way back to where I should be. I don't want to risk it. I'm already used to sheltering myself in the comfort of my solitude. But just because I'm good at hiding and making myself emotionless, doesn't mean I'm not hurting. Just because I'm good at acting like I don't care, doesn't mean I don't care at all . . . because I do.

But people only judge based on what they see on the surface, and no one ever dared to take a step forward and be willing to figure out those hidden messages that shine through my dull eyes. No one dared to courageously express how willing they are to love me for who I am.

To this day, I'm still left with hope even after having my heart broken from the pain of the "almost's" which has become a quintessence of what I appear to be: a heartless soul.

However, it all made me ponder in a metaphorical sense that a book that has been torn apart may not easy to read again. But with patience, each page could be compiled again until the words make sense.

Everything that has happened in the past took a toll on me. But I'm still grasping the faith of learning to love myself even more. That I need to see the beauty in my own season and focus on my self-growth. Because I know, deep in my heart, that God is preparing something for me. That the reason why I am experiencing those things is that He wants me to be closer to Him and be stronger.

It may not be ok right now, but I know that in His perfect timing, all the tears I cried will soon be replaced by genuine happiness and love. And I will never have to guard my emotions again because He will lead me to the right people I am destined for.