Hope

found and lost

To the heart that was found by love i thought was the one. 

This song saved my life.

This is what love feels like.

When I was a kid, I had already equipped myself with huge and strong walls just to get rid of people coming into my life. I had always thought it could prevent me from taking my life again and from all the pain that awaits in the corner of my room as I snuggle up in bed with the warmth of my blanket.

Isolating myself from happiness had become a routine. I never believed in real love and all those fairy tales from clichè movies that make millions of people believe in their illusion. I was always stoic seeing people express their feelings to the other while the crowd cheered for them and clapped their hands as the couple showed their wedding ring.

And I could say that I was living my life in emptiness, in the dark, without purpose. It never crossed my mind that I was in constant search of wisdom, for love, for euphoria.

Each day, I would always wonder why couldn't I fly and seize freedom like a butterfly that was tapping my window, as if asking for my permission to enter my already messed up life. Why couldn't I scream my heart out or take a glimpse of the wonderful city on the apex of a mountain? And it wasn't long enough for me to know that something was impeding me to walk by my own feet, to let my hands touch the beauty of the outside, to let my heart feel the rhythm of the wind.

And just when I thought I was losing it all, I had espied the beauty of verisimilitude through an unfinished novel where you had me bleed my words by senses. Your actions without pretenses had me penned the best version of my literature. You made me catch a glimpse of the tenderness in your eyes and how it spoke to me without speaking words. That day, I remember, was when I understood the stunning pulchritude of the universe as what you always told me. The universe is mesmerizing ..... just like how terrifying, yet stunning the cluster of stars are. Just like how people perceive you; mysterious .... dangerous. But I see something they don't. I see beauty. I see the deepness that captivates me to stare at you even longer.

Before we met, I was walking with no direction. But I came across new sunshine, gleaming my way to start anew --- giving me another hope. And it was You.

It was just wonderful to ponder that we had a chance to fathom each others' souls when we were both lost.

"You will always be the one I'll choose --- even after a lifetime." You told me this, and you had me enthralled by the sweetness of your words and the stories behind them.

With your every smile and soothing words before I go to a battle of stories and poems, I was beginning to perambulate the desire, the enthusiasm, the love, the passion that I'd been wanting to understand. I was beginning to slowly destroy the walls that I had long been keeping.

I could still recall the day you took the courage and sang to me, how you spent your time listening to my rants, how you spent efforts just to make me laugh, how you became my definition of happiness when I was having bad days, how you patiently talked to me when I was not in the mood, how you wiped my face when it got sweaty, how you raked the strands of my hair and softly caress my head.

"You're beautiful just the way you are." This is what you told me. You never failed to make me feel loved each day.

However, like an imperfect poet who makes smudges while writing out his thinking, I had become troubled. My mind was befuddled. My heart seemed to be in a quandary, my soul seemed to dwell in the throes of decisions. It was all chaotic.

But then you were there, just like a song that therapeutically calmed my nerves, just like prose that perfectly unified the story, you patiently made me learn the deepest and the most beautiful part of love, and tried to stop the chaos within me . . . until I was unified with my pen again.

I could've written a poem about the way I make you feel or the way you make me feel. I could've written a verse about your story, or about my story. I could've written a poem about me, or about you. I could have. But I could not. And I guess these things aren't enough to make me start a passage about us, let alone finish a novel.

Still, reminiscing helps me not to go into forgotten memories. Do you still remember the time when you told me about This song that saved my life? Of course, you do.

"The lyrics of the song are the exact words that I've been wanting to tell you." A tear slid down my cheeks the moment I heard it.

I couldn't honestly contain my emotions. I couldn't help but let the tears and my heart speak.

How about the time when I was on the verge of giving up? You never got tired of holding my hand and reminding me to hold on to that little hope in me. You put a smile on my face, the bright light that guided me to the path of happiness that I felt for the very first time.

You're one of those people who shared something big in my life; who made me love myself more; the reason why I am who I am now.

To this day, I am still fighting and learning. But in all those times that I acknowledged the pain, I learned that there's a reason why I hadn't flown up like a butterfly. Why I couldn't seize the freedom that I had been wanting to have.

Because I was meant to take the freedom to decide on which direction I should fly; the freedom to create my path as I walk by my feet without letting anyone control the way I move, I am confidently savoring the fresh air, touching every beauty that the world has to offer, cherishing the sky, the stars, the clouds --- You were right when you told me that the stars were beautiful.

I am finally able to discern passion, happiness ....and most of all, love.

I realized that it's more than just a bouquet of roses or a romantic movie date. It is more than just smiling at the person for their beautiful dress or their face that blushes at the sight of you. It is more than just walking in the silent night along with the city lights and sunset. It is feeling the words that do not need to be spoken out loud. It is deeply connecting with the rhythm of the heart and embracing each others' silence. It is more about what you feel inside while watching the person stare at your eyes, and smile from ear to ear til you lean on their shoulders, til you laugh at how incredible it is to look at the moon while sitting beside each other without telling words. You taught me all of this .... and you made me feel what love is.

I know life is not easy. But I want you to be stronger and braver just as you had always taught me. I wish to see you grow and be full of wisdom like you always are. I wish to see you in success and smile with utmost genuineness. I know you can always make it no matter how messed up our own paths could be.

Till we see each other again.

Thank you.