Hope

not a happy ending

for the young girl forced to face life with cluelessness. 

I wish I could have a life full of bliss. A life without regret. But the more I wish for it, the more it gets clear to me that not every day will be full of happiness. There are days of sadness, complicatedness, and despair. And we just have to accept that not everything has a happy ending.

But before I fall asleep at night, when silence envelops my soul, I still wish to live my life the way I want. I still wish to make decisions without having to regret them later on. I still wish to wake up in the morning with a smile plastered on my face and have that enthusiasm again to look at myself in the mirror, bare-faced. I always crave that pure happiness that many people get, but every second of my life is a tremendous trigger of my anxiety that hinders me from moving, making life decisions, and overcoming my fears, and I always despise the feeling of being afraid of the unknown. It makes me loathe myself and I don't want to live in the shadows of my regrets. I don't want to live having questions in my head.

Whenever I see people crossing the street, eyes quickly moving away from the gaze of the other, hands swiftly shifting from holding the hem of their coats to gripping their tiny pockets, I can feel the words that can't come out because of the movements of their lips and the hesitation that comes with it. I can see the longing in their eyes but decide to shrug it off and pretend as if nothing happens. I don't want to end up like them. But now, as much as I hate it, I can see myself doing the same thing.

And it all makes me go back to day one when I would silently wish to live a life full of bliss. And I quietly grieve the recent version of me that my younger self would certainly not want to become. I always wish to have a life without remorse and overwhelming darkness. I guess I will never have it .... ever. Because I'm a failure living in my misfortune.