Life with Loki - short stories

The Gaze of Judgement

Summary: Is Loki Laufeyson staring at you with a gaze of judgement? Or is there something else within his gaze ....
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Warnings: Body issues / 'Fat' term used (This is not a bad word but is understandbly a sore word for some) / Mentions of past traumatic childhood / Self Loathing - the usual when it comes to body issues . This is a sensitive subject for many of us. So if you read it - read it with love. And if you don't read it - I completely understand, as this one hits closer to home for me as well. L x
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You weren't foolish. You were used to it. You were prepared for it.

Your body had always been larger. Thinking back to the start of your weight difficulties when you were a child, the extra weight started gaining upon your little body at rather a vulnerable time. With the knowledge and ability to self reflect that you possessed now, you could see it as your young self trying to protect you. The weight was the armour you had so desperately needed.

You weren't being protected the way a little one should. With no option but to take charge, you protected yourself.  But the weight stayed. Sure, there had been times when you had lost weight, especially in your teenage years –generally with techniques that weren't optimal for your health and well-being– but you had always been plus-sized (or whatever the hell that mean).

You didn't hate your body; not anymore. You loved your curves, you embraced them. But you still had those days when you couldn't walk past that mirror. Nope. By society's standards of beauty, your face was very beautiful, your body... was larger than it should be. But again, you were used to this. You were not shy of sexual experience. You had had lovers and loves, however, you were familiar with the disappointment of others being secretly attracted to you. Do you know? Those people who are too cowardly to be with who they want to be with because of .. Image? Opinions? Yeah, those ones.

To make matters worst and maybe it was because of the protective fortress you had constructed around yourself to activate the moment you felt judged by your appearance, but you were disastrous with picking up on flirtatiousness. Having been conditioned for so long —and no matter how much work you fulfilled with yourself on the thought patterns of self-loathing and self-doubt— it was difficult to differentiate between a gaze of judgement or the gaze of attraction. 

Regrettably, you had allowed your body to stop you from a lot in your lifetime. Until you had the opportunity —whether it was fortune or unfortunate, you still can't decide—  to join The Avengers.

One of the isolated positives to come out of your difficult childhood was your athletic determination, and need, to fight. When Fury reviewed that footage of the bank robbery, he saw a woman, of average height, knock down the armed criminal with such a natural skill, he knew he had to meet you.

You trained as an agent in your early twenties and soon became one of Fury's private, most deadliest, assassins. That day when the police showed him the tape of the woman who had single-handedly performed their job for them within seconds of the attack, you had reminded of Natasha Romanoff; who soon became your trainer, best friend, casual lover and the protector you had needed when you were younger.

The Avengers welcomed you with open arms. Actually, it was Tony who essentially begged Fury to release you from his protective wing and join them instead. As defensive and as bloodthirsty you could be in your work, outside of business hours you were one of the most kind, funniest, sensitive beings, that the team had ever known. Once you had grown comfortable around them, once you could trust them enough, you relaxed within yourself. They soon became thankful for the happiness you would radiate and the trails of fun with wee sparks of mischief that you left around the tower. You loved orchestrating a little prank here or there (Tony hates spiders).