Always//H.S. (Sequel to Alive)

the ending

You didn't run away when you should've
Caught up in the day, you mistook the
Voices you heard for your friends
We all get hurt by the ending

lila rose sinclair
(present day-february 18th 2018...7:45 pm)

Trust issues make it hard to sleep at night...

"cmon, sinclair, just this once?"

delta had been bugging me for the last however long to go out with her and journee for some drinks-claiming we've done enough today. i haven't really been out unless it's for a business meeting, so i can understand why i wouldn't want to go, but something about a shirley temple with vodka is making me wanna scream. "journee, i've got work to do," i whine as she pulls on my hands, sliding me around my office in my chair. "you work everyday all day, you bootyhole. take an actual night off for once," journee whines back, and i flip her off, her just giggling as i sigh, giving into the idea of a night off that isn't going on a run or staying up late with loki.

i love my loki poo.

"one drink, that's it," i mumble, standing from the chair and journee and delta squeal happily from where they watched me ag the door, telling me to meet them at the bar down the street at 9-which is usually around the time i do my run. i'll just have to do one when i get home from the bar. i can't remember a time that i didn't go on a run everyday, and i know how bad that may be for me to do more than one run a day, but it makes me feel better in the end, even if i still don't look the way i want to. my hips are wider and my ass bigger, my arms are beefier, but not in the way i want them to be. i try my best to stay on track with my meal planning, but times like tonight i allow myself one. drink to settle me.

all of my old habits of nervousness that i had when i was on tour have left besides one. i still pick at my scars religiously-but only the ones on my stomach and high thigh, so journee clara and delta don't see them at all. i know i need to not let it get to that pain anymore, but to me its better than making new scars.

"meet you there, sinclair-and wear something slutty!" delta calls out and i give her a dull look, sighing as i pack my bag, pushing my computer into it and i sling it over my shoulders, rolling all the cracks out of my neck before i walk out the empty office, locking the door behind me before making my way to pearl, in all of her worn glory. i love pearl, but she's been around almost ten years with me, and she's got some fun noises she makes. i know i could get a new car, but i've got so many good memories with pearl that i just can't let her go. pearl was there when clara found out she was pregnant, and when i drove three days worth of time to go to salt lake city to present my ideas of wildflower to my brand executives, shes been through it all with me.

"hi baby," i whisper to the meowing loki at my feet, bending down to pick him up as i let my bag rest on my couch, practically the only piece of furniture besides my bed left in the room. i had forgotten what is was like to move-especially since i moved in here when i was eighteen-a little over 5 years ago. i love this place, but it reminds me too much of him.

this was supposed to be ours-not just mine.

"what should mama wear tonight, hm?" i whisper, scratching under his chin with my long nails as i walk upstairs, his head shoved against my neck and i talk about my day to him-my little kitten therapist. sometimes i don't miss...him...i just miss the comfort and the release i got from talking to him, and having someone that listens. i know delta and clara and journee would listen, but it's different now, almost like i have no temptation to keep everything in since last time it was taken and smashed under someone's foot, along with my heart.

i know he meant well-i really do...but i know better than to let myself get used to the idea that he wasn't in the wrong for leaving me like he did.