♥ you couldn't have loved me better » [phan one-shots] ♥

♥ one shot sixteen // i dont love you like i did yesterday [au] ♥

inspired by: a Tyler Perry movie
title: I don't love you - my chemical romance
warnings: none
genre/content: au/angst?
~♥~

I'm not ready. I just.. I've realized something. and part of that realization was that you aren't supposed to be a part of my life..

I crossed out the latest line of my letter. frustration began to boil through me and I took a deep breath, calming myself before it was full-blown anger. I wasn't even sure of what I was doing at the moment. Was I really going to go through with this? Would she even believe me? I doubt she would. Unless I had proof.

A sigh escaped my lips, eyes closing simultaneously. I leant back in my chair, the dimly lit room making me feel a little at peace while the warm air around me felt comfortable. Why can't I feel like this all the time? I pondered, already knowing there wouldn't be a definite answer.

After a few peaceful minutes,  I returned to my normal position, pen still in hand, paper still in the slanted position I left it in. I wasn't sure how to continue the letter. Could I even continue?

"Am I even certain..?" I questioned aloud. Sure, I had noticed the drastic change between the genders, but.. maybe it was just him? I know we had been friends for awhile, but were the feelings actually true?

I was in a drunken state, my awareness drastically low, but I remember what he told me. "Dan, I love you so unbelievably much. Really, I do. You probably don't understand me and that's a good thing. You probably won't even remember this."  But I did remember. Only that.

I remember staring at him for a second, then returning to my tipsy, goofy-like behavior.

I rubbed my temples, pissed I had totally ruined my chance to tell Phil I loved him, too. Of course, I was 'drunk off my ass' and couldn't comprehend what was going on at the moment.

Why didn't I just say I loved him back?! I was so ridiculously mad at myself. I knew I loved him more than anything else in the world.

"Dan?" I heard a soft voice question, almost like silk.

"Yes, love? " I asked, my heart beating faster than normal since this would probably be the last time I would ever talk to this woman. The woman I had "fallen in love with", the woman who I had bought a ring for, the woman who was now my fiancé.

"I was just checking up on you. You seem a little tired or frustrated. What's the matter, hon?"

I sighed, shaking my head. "It's nothing. Well.. it's something, but I don't think I'm ready to talk about it."

"Oh, okay. Just.. let me know when you're ready." She gave a soft smile, leaving me to myself once again.

How'd I get myself into this? It's not that I meant for her to be engaged to me at all, it was sort of.. a distraction, as harsh as that sounds. It was more of a one night stand gone wrong. We had a small fling, but she wanted more and I couldn't bear to see her heart broken by me, so I went along with it. For 2 1/2 years.

I'm such a terrible disgusting person. Why does she love me?

...

I woke up in the same bed as always, but it didn't feel as comfy as it usually did. It felt like I didn't belong in this spot, like I wasn't even supposed to be here.

I turned over, checking to see if she was there, but she wasn't (as usual). She would always wake up earlier than I which, a lot of times, resulted in fights since she would normally get things done faster than me and I would just lounge around the house.

I yawned, sitting up and wiping my eyes. I'm going to tell her today. Fuck the letter, I'll just straight up tell her. I was ready to get it over with, like ripping a band-aid off. 

I stood in the kitchen doorway, the only sound being the sizzling of bacon on a pan. She turned to me, a questioning look on her face.

"Can you just - I need to talk to you." I tried sounding serious, but my voice cracked at the end, and I knew I was giving away how I honestly felt.

She nodded, concern flooding her eyes and made her way to our bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. I followed suit, but stayed stood.

I let out a sigh, closing my eyes for a moment. "I don't think I'm ready." 

I expected a burst of anger, some yelling, tears, anything of that nature, but all I felt was a soft squeeze to my arm and a delicate smile. "I know you're not." She looked up at me, tears starting to form in her eyes, but she held back. "I knew you weren't ready from the start. That's okay, though, I had always expected something like this."

I was shocked, to say the least. Was I that obvious? "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want you to feel rushed or pressured, so I decided it was best to stay quiet. But we're here now and I want you to know, it's okay. You're not ready, I respect that."

"Wow," I let out in a breathy voice (from holding it in for so long). I couldn't say anything else, from lack of words to pure shock, I don't know.

She sniffled, "So, what're you going to do? Well, how are we going to break the news?"

I shrugged. "I'm not sure. I do know, after this, I'll be leaving.."

"Where?"

"To someone else."

  ~♥~ 

updating after six months, what a shame. though, i have a reason: ive been homeless and my family just got an apartment. 

anyway, i found this draft and just decided to publish it. i was going to continue writing it, but i felt like that last bit was a good way to end the one-shot  

i also come back to find this has 3.7k (or 3.2k, i cant remember ;-;) views?! i c r y ~ thank you so much for reading, ily  ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥