Losers and lovers (Laurette)

Chapter 11

Cw: a fight and kinda gross language

The autumn had turned into early December by now. Little snowflakes were falling from the sky as Lafayette walked forward along the street. He was dressed in a puffy jacket because he's fashionable like that and a black beanie. His shoes were black Doc Martins. He was just on a walk because he had been really bummed out by the break up so maybe going outside and enjoying the snow.

Just when Lafayette turned to a nearby playground, he heard running footsteps behind him. He turned around and for his surprise, he saw John running towards him. He kind of froze in place when John made his way over. The boy was panting heavily and Lafayette remarked he must have ran for a while already.
When John had finally calmed his breathing, he looked up at Lafayette. "H-hey...um sorry to um surprise you like this..." He panted softly. Lafayette chewed the insides of his cheeks. "It's okay...I guess...but what are you doing here though? I thought we weren't in speaking terms." John shrugged a little. "I just...I kinda just wanted to talk to you." The tall one furrowed his eyebrows, looking around suspiciously. "Thomas isn't with you right? This isn't some prank you're tryina pull on me?" John shook his head quickly. "No! No, this isn't a prank I swear. I actually wanted to talk."
The two of them were quiet for a moment. Lafayette began to feel slightly uncomfortable but decided to give John the chance to redeem himself.
Then John finally started to talk. "I realized...how bad I've been towards you Laf and um...it's been killing me from inside, like the thought I hurt the boy I loved just...mmh it feels bad. You were my first boyfriend and I got experience so much new things with you-besides...from one thing..." John mumbled, memories of him and Thomas haunting him. Lafayette shrugged quietly. "I guess. What are you trying to say?" He asked quietly, examining John with his stern gaze. The other boy suddenly looked so small to him. John chewed his lip before facing Lafayette's gaze. "I want to fix our relationship. I don't care if it's friendship or...more, but I just want you to know I still care about you! I always have and I'll never stop caring. You're an amazing guy Laf, I really want to get close with you again."

John's words echoed in Lafayette's mind. Was the guy serious? He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He felt like there was a wall between, an invisible wall through which he could see John and hear him, but it made it so he couldn't understand a word.
Lafayette looked down at his feet, shifting in his place. "I mean...what am I supposed to say to that? That everything's fine? I'd be lying if I said you didn't hurt me." John looked desperate. "Laf-I know I hurt you. I know really well...what happened on Halloween...I want to talk about that too. I overreacted. Well...in one way. Calling it a break was overreacting. Cutting you guys off was too, but I was scared. That still doesn't make what I did to you okay though." He almost grabbed Lafayette's hand, but stopped himself.
Lafayette stared at John. "You..." He shook his head. John frowned. "I've been thinking about you...all this time Laf."
Lafayette quietly listened. "What about when you guys fucked, what were you thinking back then? About how I felt about it? Even if we were on a break, that doesn't really mean you get to go around and get railed by anyone you like if you want to be in a relationship after the break is over." He shook his head with a chuckle. "I bet the last thing you were thinking about how I felt about it." He stepped closer. "I bet the only thing you wanted at the moment was for Thomas to go faster and harder. You were limping at school, don't think I didn't notice. And I don't care how gross this may sound, it's how I feel. If you can cheat then I can express how I feel. You are so gross John, so gross."
John felt his face heat up, his ears were burning at this point. What was he supposed to say, be honest? "Hm...well if you want me to be honest, yeah you were on my mind. There was nothing I wanted more than for Thomas to be you." Lafayette wrinkled his nose. "Oh how romantic. But you know what's missing from that? You didn't kick Thomas out like you did with me. What makes him so fucking special to you and me just some fucking loser you can throw around without care? I thought we were in this together John-I thought we'd forever be. I loved you because I knew there was so much more to you than you thought and what others thought. But apparently I don't matter as much to you as you matter to me. You say you wished I was there with you, but do you actually mean it?" Lafayette sniffed, tears going down his cheeks. He never cried in front of anyone, but this was the last straw. "I have feelings too god damn it but you never saw that. It was always about you, but I just went with it because I cared. I wanted to keep you safe from everything bad. I cared because I loved you so much. I just...I just wanted something in return but no, you decided that doing this would be a better way to show how much you cared about me." Then Lafayette went quiet. He felt empty, having his feelings pour out at once.
John had a look on his face, like he couldn't recognize the guy in front of him. The two of them just stood there, not saying anything to each other. John quietly hugged Lafayette, stroking his back gently. The taller boy started to cry louder and hugged John tightly, burying his face in his scarf. John sighed, closing his eyes and waited for Lafayette to calm down a bit.

And when he did, he just lifted his head from John's neck and wiped his face. John gave him a sympathetic look. "You okay?" Lafayette shrugged, pulling away from the hug. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to-" John shook his head. "No...don't apologize, I know what I did...you said what you needed." He said quietly. "I understand why you feel that way..."
Lafayette blinked, taking a breath. "Yeah but...I did mistakes. The way I reacted to this whole thing just made it all worse. I shouldn't have yelled at you like I did at school. We both did mistakes in this situation."

John looked confused. "Lafayette you don't have to do that-" The taller shook his head. "No, John I'm serious. We both did mistakes and we both want the other to forgive...do you forgive my shitty behavior?" John nodded slightly. "Yeah I forgive you...can you forgive me?" He asked quietly, almost whispering. Lafayette hesitated for a minute before nodding a little. "Not everything...but some things yes."
John nodded, hugging Lafayette tightly again. "That's good enough..." He mumbled with a sniffle. "I'm so god damn sorry about everything Laf. I never wanted any of this to happen, especially to you-" Lafayette stroked John's hair. "I know...I never wanted any of this either..." He tilted his head to the side. "Why'd you cut your hair by the way?" John pulled away, clearing his throat. "It was...an impulsive decision..you know me, doing my impulsive shit."
Lafayette shrugged, swirling his finger in John's curls. "It looks nice though. Um what now though?" The other shook his head. "I have no clue. I bet you still don't want anything to do with me." He chuckled sadly. "Oh well...I think if we want to fix this, we should stay in contact. Are you busy next week? We could hang out and talk." John's eyes visibly lit up. He sure was exited. "Oh-yeah I'm not busy at all! We can do that!"
And so they decided to hang out after school next week and talk about their feelings