Losers and lovers (Laurette)

Chapter 3

John's POV
*TW*
Mentions of self-harm

John was staring at himself from the mirror, breathing heavily. Laf was standing next to him. "John please calm down..Samuel didn't mean to-" John shoved his phone at Laf's face. "He BROKE my phone! Does THIS look ok?!" "The screen is only a little shattered.." Laf said, but was cut off by John. "But he WANTED to break it! I could see it in his eyes. They hate me Laf, I'm not even supposed to be in this world."
Lafayette seemed to snap. "John, can you like shut the hell up for a moment?! There are other people in this very same world who go through much worse than you! And not everyone hates you, ok? God, I can't believe you'd be so stupid to believe those lies."
John went quiet. He looked away, tears forming in his eyes. Laf had hit his weak spot. "See? I just bring misery to everyone. Even to you."
"No no, I didn't mean that.." Laf tried to calm John down.
"You did! Why else would you say those things? Did you even think that maybe yelling at me was going to trigger something? Like maybe anxiety? Depression? Did you?" John yelled.
Laf shook his head. "I'm really sorry..but before you go..let me tell you..there are good people here who don't hate you. And someone who might even want more than friendship."
"Heh, that's kind of you to say that, but I'm afraid that you can't fill me with more lies-"
"It's me god damn it! John I love you! I swear, if I have to go even one more day with that secret.."
John stared at him. He felt weird. "No Gil..I..I love you too but..I'm really afraid..what if Lee-"
"Lee is not gonna get us. We're not gonna be hurt. We'll be happy together! We'll have each other! Wait-Did you say you love me too?" Laf blushed. John nodded. "Yeah I did. Not that you'd care or anything.."
Laf hugged John. "Of course I care..you are my best friend anyways.." John slowly smiled and hugged him back. He started to cry in Laf's shoulder. Laf rubbed his back. "It's alright..don't cry.."
John let go after a minute and sniffled. "So..are we like together now?" He chuckled awkwardly. Laf shrugged. "I guess."
They laughed at how awkward they were. "Can you see I've never done this?" John asked chuckling. "Well what about me? I've never even confessed to anyone!" Laf laughed. /lol/
John smiled and put his phone in his pocket. "Should we go out now? Alex and Herc are probably wondering where we are."
Laf nodded and opened the bathroom door and walked out. John happily followed him.

After school John invited Laf over to his house. Laf excepted it and they went in John's room.
"Sorry for the mess, I didn't expect to have guests today." John said as he cleaned up his clothes from his chair and floor. Laf smiled and set his backpack down. "It's fine. I've seen worse."
John's mom slightly opened the door to his room. "Would you two want something to eat? I made some cookies." John quickly shoved his clothes in his closet. "No thanks mom." Laf friendly smiled. "I'd like some. What flavor are they?" "White chocolate and milk chocolate." John's mom answered happily. Laf thought for a second. "I want the milk chocolate ones, please." John looked at his mom. She nodded. "And John, are you sure you don't want any?" John nodded. "Yes mom. I'm very sure."
"Alright then." John's mom said and went to get the cookies.
Laf chuckled. "Classic mom." John sat down next to him, sighing. "Yeah..unfortunately.." He took out his work books and started doing his homework. Laf did the same thing.
John's mom brought Laf the cookies and he ate them pretty quickly. John watched him, slightly smiling. "I don't think doing homework together counts as a date."
Laf nodded as he finished the last cookie. "Yeah. But I think it's too early to think about dates now. We can just hang out." "But call the hang out moments dates?" John asked, tilting his head. Laf chuckled. "If you want to."
John smiled and took out a note-pad. "So, when's the first date?" He took out a pen and looked up at Laf. Laf raised an eyebrow. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. And what's that note-pad for?"
John looked down at it. "It's for..making notes. Yeah, for that." "What kind of notes? You don't have that with you in school." John fidgeted the pen between his fingers. "Writing my feelings and thoughts down every day helps me feel better. So it's for that." He showed the cover of the note-pad. "I sticked some cute stickers on the cover so it'd make me smile every time I pick it up." Laf nodded, smiling. "That's a really good idea. Do your parents know about that?" John put it down. "Why should they? They don't care about me. They never ask how my school is going nor why I have bruises all over my legs and arms."
Laf got worried. "Of course they care! And I know for a fact that you want to avoid those questions by staying out till midnight and being with me or Alex. And what would you answer if they asked you one of those questions?"
John went quiet. He slowly looked down and bit his lip. "W-well..I dunno.." Laf rubbed his shoulder. "You know you can't avoid them forever. There WILL be a day when they ask how your school is going and you can't look them in the eye and tell the truth."
John pushed Laf back. "There will not be that day. I won't live long enough to see it." He slid his sleeves up. /fricking The story of tonight reprise started playing XD/ There were cuts on his arm. Some of them were really new. Laf teared up. "But I told you to stop.." John was looking down. "You don't understand..it's not that easy..and no, my parents don't know about this." Tears fell down his cheek. "I can't stop..it's one of the only things that make me forget about school and Lee.." Laf pulled him into a hug. "Shh..calm down..what's the other things that make you forget about him?" John quietly sniffled and grabbed on Laf's shirt. "Being with you..sleeping..smoking..hanging out downtown..yeah, that's pretty much it." He said quietly, tears continuing to stream down his cheeks.
Laf frowned and held his tears in. "Look, John..I know life is hard but after high school it will get easier. I bet Lee and gang won't get in a college. Their brains are filled with nothing but unnecessary things like being a dick to others."
John wanted to smile at Laf but he simply couldn't. "Maybe, but why do they bully ME the most? I have never done anything to them?"
"I don't know.." Laf's tone was soft. "Sometimes people just pick on each other for no reason. You can't really choose who dislikes you and who doesn't."
John looked up at him. "I know that already. That's what everyone says to me. But I wish I could choose, it'd be so much easier to have everyone like you than hate you."
Laf blinked. "But if everyone liked you and was your friend, you wouldn't have any peace because every one wanted to hang out all the time. And you're not very big on being out every day."
"Yeah yeah, you don't need to tell me that." John slid his sleeves down. "Ugh, I should have never told you anything." He pulled away from the hug and threw the note-pad on his bed. "If my mom heard us, it will be the end of me."
Laf shook his head. "It won't be. It will be good if she knows. Then she can get you the help you need-" John snapped. "No she won't, she'll tell dad who will say I'm faking this for attention and I won't get any help. And you think therapists can actually help? They can't, I've heard stories from other people." He furrowed his brows.
"Yes John, I think therapists can help, that's literally their job. And if you tell them everything, they will know what you need to do." Laf said, desperately trying to get John to listen.
The last tears fell from John's eyes and he signed heavily, his shoulders dropping. "I know..I'm just afraid of telling anyone about this. You, I can talk to because I know you will understand because you know about everything what's going on. But if someone who knows nothing about me tries to say what's the best for me, it can go wrong for me."
Laf stroked John's hair. "I know..but telling things can make you feel better."
John slightly nodded. "I'll try to tell about school and stuff.."
Laf smiled and cupped John's cheek. "Thank you."

John quietly played with his salad. His mom frowned at him. "John, please eat the salad. You won't live long with only fish." John looked up at her. "It's not good."
John's father pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's not about if it's good or not, it's about if we make you dinner, you eat it."
John drank his water. "But I don't want to."
Martha glanced at him. "Just eat. I don't want you and dad to fight again." She whispered to John.
John growled quietly and stood up. "Thank you for the food. I'm gonna go to bed now."
"This early? John darling, it's only 6pm." John's mom said.
"Yes this early. Now goodnight." John spat and went in his room and locked the door.
He looked at the scars. He knew Laf was right about stopping, but he really couldn't, but he wanted to.
He changed to his top and boxers and just laid under the covers in his dark room.
He was woken up by his little sister Mary and little brother Henry.
John blinked couple times to adjust to the darkness. Mary and Henry both looked scared. "There's a monster down the hall! It tries to eat us!" Henry said. "Yeah, and it has looong teeth!" Mary added.
"Jesus Christ..have you tried to scare it away?" John played along, knowing well there was no monster and that Mary and Henry were just scared of the dark.
"Henry threw a book at it, but then mom and dad woke up." Mary said.
"Oh fuck.." John cursed quietly.
"Mom, John said the f-word!" Henry yelled and John's mom walked in the room and put the lights on. "Henry and Mary, there is no monster, go to bed. And John, don't curse." She sounded really tired.
Henry and Mary jumped down from John's bed and slowly walked in their room.
John sighed and curled up under his covers again.
Her mom said goodnight and closes the door behind her.
John fell back to sleep quickly.