Future Mrs. Robertson

Twenty Eight

Emma

The love of my lifr has left me. Not only me but even our children. How did we get here so fast? Just yesterday we were happy and in love or so I hope. Kate is my life, I just don't see me without her. It's been over a month since she left and it still feels unreal.

I still hope to wake up next to Kate cuddling with her. Her face buried in my neck and me plastering her with kisses all over her face just to wake her up or waking up to her cooking up a storm for breakfast. But that's not the case.

I wake up and the first thought that comes to mind every morning is that my wife is gone and I have no contact with her whatsoever. What really gets to me is how all my children seem to be affected by all this.

All Angel say first before and after bed is "Dada, Mama home" and just seeing her disappointed when I say " Not yet" breaks my heart. I would put up this strong facade so that my kids won't see their daddy breaking down. They need someone strong to help them through this hard time and who better than their father?

Faith seems to be coming well with therapy helping her. She's not yet back at school cause she's in intense therapy till she's cleared. She attends it five days a week and then on weekends Dr Woods comes to our house for group sessions. This is were everyone attends it, even Angel. I'm just hoping for the best. With my daughter being pregnant I'm still trying to figure out how to handle that.

Hope seems to be in her head a lot these days. She speaks less everyday. My daughter prefers to even have dinner in her room. As much as I should fight her on it, I just don't the energy for it as long as she eats.

Alex is another story. During the group sessions it was bought to my attention that she blames herself for everything that's going on. She's too hard on herself and if I don't act fast I just might lose my daughter like I did my wife. I'm losing all my daughters at once and I can't seem to stop it.

Alex is a lot like Kate and that scares me to death. Just like Kate, Alex blames herself for things she can't avoid. I never blamed Kate for what Ben did to Faith but I know she thought I did. And right now Alex thinks she's the reason for the divorce and Kate leaving. Now you tell me. At what point does one even begin to change a teenager's mind?

Me : I know you blame yourself but you not at fault. Kate made her bed now let's allow her to lay on it.

Alex : Why does she hate me so much? I thought once Faith comes home everything will get better, I even told her I would like some mother daughter trip just for us to bond you know, make memories since I have non.

Me : You know when you accept everything, as it is. You heal quicker. When you accept all the hate, abandonment and the abuse, you heal quicker baby and when you accept an end of a relationship, you heal quicker because sometimes that's all you have to do. Accept the situation as it is, so you can heal.

Hope

I stood at the stairs as I listened on daddy and Alex's conversations. I know it's wrong but I initially came down here to get myself a glass of water and I stumbled into this conversation. I know it's wrong and all that trap but I learned something off it.

Yes accepting does heal one but in my personal experience I don't think it would. The only person who can heal this family is Kate herself. Yesterday after breaking my skull thinking of reasons why Kate would leave, I ended up being filled with anything but love.

I could feel the love I had for that woman slowly be replaced with hate. Now all I'm feeling is rage. I never thought I would ever say this but I hate my mother. The woman who carried both me and faith for seven months and 23 hours of Labour pain just to leave us hanging when we need her most.

How can she just leave when one of her daughter's is facing rape and unwanted pregnancy, while the other one desperately needed her love? How can she just leave Angel? She's only about to turn two! And all she wants is her mother. How are we even supposed to explain all this when she's older?

I decided to not disturb their conversation and headed back to my room. I slowly made my way to my drawers trying to resist the urge but it got too much for me as it would explain why I'm currently bleeding on my thighs.

Yes. I cut myself. It's the only way I could deal with all thes emotions. I need to feel something that's not emotional. Physical pain comforts me. There's just something about watching myself bleed and just knowing it will heal.

With wounds I know for sure it will close up and heal but emotional pain that's not guaranteed. Yes wounds leave scars but they won't reopen unless I cut myself again but with emotional pain each time salt is added then it would hurt.

My mother continues to add salt to my wounds and that hurts way more. She left so why cry for her. As off today Kate Robertson is dead to me!