Future Mrs. Robertson

Seventeen

Kate

This morning took a very ugly turn. I don't how I'm still being able to hold myself through this day. I am a failure period! I failed Em, I failed my parent's, I failed my sister and most of all I failed my children. I'm a bad mom.

I'm currently standing at the door welcoming my students. This class happens to be Alex's. I don't even know how to act around her, let alone teach her. After the last person enters I close the door and process to the podium. Alex chose to sit at the back.

Me : Afternoon class! Please go through the questions on page 34, The next test will be based on that module. Please may the new student introduction herself?
Alex stands up.

Her : Uhm Hi? She says unsure.
I'm Alex and that's pretty much it. My entire life has been a lie. Gosh is Alex even my name? Anyway nothing excites me so yeah that's all there is too me. Life sucks.

She then sits down.

I decided to let it pass and not say a thing. The class took long but finally ended.

Me : Alex please stay behind.
I waited for everyone to leave then went and locked the door.

Me : Alex I don't really know what more to say but please forgive me.

Her : You gave me away! You made me miss out on a lot of things because of your selfishness. You made me suffer and yet here you acting like a saint. I hate you Kate! I can never see you as my mother! The fact that your blood runs through me disgusts me. I hate knowing I'm connected to you. You should have killed me when you had the chance. You do not deserve to be a mother. You destroy any good thing to have happened to you. Fix your relationship with Hope and just ignore me...Oh want! You have been ignoring me for the last what!? 15 years? Yeq that sound right.

After her rant she walked away but stopped at the door when I spoke.

Me : I was depressed!
She turns from the door to face me as I stand my desk

Her: What?

Me : After giving you away I got depressed. It was difficult for me after giving you up. I fell right in the pits of depression I wasn't even sure I would ever be able to get out off. I had give birth to a beautiful daughter and she was mine. I would have done everything to keep a smile on her face. Make sure to give her all the happiness she deserves. But life got in the way. Maybe the girl I was holding wasn't meant to be mine. Perhaps she was meant for someone else and not me. I was just a passing moment.
I wipe the tears that managed to fall out.

Me : I felt worthless. How was I blessed with such a worthy gift? I was undeserving of being your Mom. Such precious gift wasn't meant for someone as filthy as me. I had to come to terms with that after giving birth to a baby girl who had both mine and her daddy's eyes. A little girl who made life seen worth living.
I'm sorry I missed your birthdays. I may have not been there for you to see but I was there. Yes life had dealt me a head that ensured my lose. But I still stayed strong for you.

Alex : STOP! STOP. YOU LYING.
She says as she slides down with her back on the door. She brings her knees to her chest and her hands blocking her ears.

Alex : YOU HATE ME! STOP LYING.

Me : You may not understand this now but when you have a child, they are everything to you. I may have not had you for a majority of your life  but you existed in mine everyday. You need to understand that parenting  doesn't come with manuals or instructions on how to care for a child, You learn as they grow, make mistakes. I'm not perfect Alex but I did what I thought was right at the time. Now I get to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I prayed for you and begged the universe to spare you any unkindness it could. Because nothing mattered to me more than you. Nothing! I loved you than like I love you now. Hate me! Yes you have the right too. But also give me a chance to write my wrongs. I'm only human Alex and to err is human.

Alex got up and literally stormed out of the class. I would go after her but I think she needs to be alone.
So I sat in my class and cried my heart out. I hurt my babies.

Alex

I hate myself...

I hate my whole existence...

But mostly I hate myself for loving her regardless.

Yes! That's right. Regardless of everything that has happened, I still love Kate. Even when she paid me no attention back then she remained my favorite aunt. She helped me through rough times and she doesn't even know it yet. She is someone I looked up too, and what she has with Emma is what I someday wish for.

Yes I felt as if she hated me growing up but it were those little acts that made me think otherwise. Whenever I got sick she would come to the doctor's with me and Sindi, Only she had a way to make me eat all my veggies without a struggle and whenever she hugged me, that felt like home. Get this, I don't have much memories with Kate but the one's I have, The limited one's are all that matters. Now all I could think about is how much I lost of that love. I was robbed of my parents love. I was undeserving of that love. I was an inconvenience. Truly Emma did show me love. She was always my dad even when we both didn't know it.

After I ran out of Kate's class, I took a bus to the only place I feel in charge. The only place I'm not known but my presence is felt. The only place I'm feared not by one but by many. The underground street fight, where I get to blow off some steam. A place I'm known as the punisher!

See everything about this place is illegal. The fights, the drugs and prostitution. At first I only came here to make some extra cash by fighting. I may have lied about my age but sure no one cares here. We just don't mess with each others business.

We have Dragon who sells drugs. He even supplies students to sell some in schools, I'm taking from weed to hard drugs. Then we have Gigi, she deals with prostitution. She has girls working for her, but she takes care of her girls. Once a client refuses to pay or lays a hand on the girls, Gigi turns to us the fighters.

A lot goes on underground but it's a place for all the broken souls. When we in this place, we all the same. No judgements whatsoever. No one really knows me since I'm always hiden behind a mask.

I walked in and the first person I saw was Dragon.

Dragon : Yo it's the punisher y'all! What you doing here? Thought you fighting this coming Sat?

Me : Sure dude, just came to see the competition!

Him : Yeah right we all know you got no competition... Hey my money's on you on Sat! Don't disappoint.

Me : I never disappoint.