My Last Hope

2

Warnings:
-Mentions alcohol/drugs addiction
-Mentions murder/death (threats)

Clay's POV

I was walking to school with an absent feeling. I was constantly staring in front of me as every step was difficult. I hadn't used marijuana in a day and I started to feel irritated and anxious without it.

After my trauma in the past, a lot changed in my life. I was so traumatised by seeing someone getting killed in front of me that I did everything to forget my pain.

I started smoking marijuana a few months back and spoke to my drug dealer yesterday. He offered me some cocaine and I agreed to it. I was going to try it after school, my dad wasn't at home luckily so I had all the time in the world to use the cocaine.

Next to drugs, I had also tried normal cigarettes. I sometimes took some, but I liked smoking marijuana more. I got high off that and smoking normal cigarettes didn't do much.

I also drank a lot, but only when I was sure no one was going to come in any time soon. Luckily that was quite a lot of times, I got drunk around four to five times a week.

No one knew I used drugs, alcohol and sometimes cigarettes. My best friend, George, did ask me sometimes if I was okay, but I always lied to him. I didn't want anyone to ever figure out that I used drugs to calm down. Just as I was never going to tell anyone I witnessed a murder. I was in life danger twenty for seven, I would be dead if I said anything.

I stepped into the school and went to sit down on a bench close to my locker. I was really tired, but couldn't wait to smoke marijuana again and try out the cocaine.

My drug dealer told me he had some more drugs I could try if I liked the cocaine. I didn't have money to buy it but he said it would be okay if I just listened to what he told me to do. I didn't know what to do yet, but I wouldn't mind. I needed some drugs.

I leaned my head on the table and looked at my hands with a soft sigh. I really wanted marijuana right now, I was feeling irritated and sad. I needed either that or alcohol. Unfortunately I had to act like a perfect student with the worst grades.

'Hi!' I suddenly heard a voice. George's voice. He sat down next to me with a soft sigh and smiled at me, waiting for me to answer his hello. I was quiet for a little to remain calm and looked up shortly, smiling faintly.

'Hi,' I muttered nervously, afraid I would yell at him for no reason because of the stupid withdrawal that was making my body feel weak and numb. Not only my body, mostly my mindset. I felt like a whole different person without drugs or alcohol.

'What's up?' George asked as he grabbed his water bottle to drink something out of it.

I sighed and almost lashed out. I managed to stay quiet and looked up at him. He looked really kind which made me feel guilty because I never told him anything.

'Are you okay?' George asked after I stared at him for a while. 'You look pale.'

I smiled shortly and nodded. 'I'm fine.'

'Did you have a good grade for the last test?' George asked as he sat down next to me. He was so close to me right now that I smiled. George was the only one who made me feel decent enough to keep my mind off drugs for a few minutes.

I wished to cuddle up with him. George knew I was a cuddly person, but I never had the courage to hug him. I wasn't sure if he would like it, but after my trauma I only wished to be hugged.

'Clay? You're zoned out,' George said as he waved his hand in front of my face.

I felt very sad and anxious suddenly and pulled my legs up to feel secure. I was trying to not burst out into tears as I remembered my bear. I missed my bear and maybe it was childish, but he made me feel secure when I was sad. My dad forced me to put it away, but I had always kept it in my room, hugging it when I got sad or anxious.

I wrapped my arms around my body, acting like I was hugging my bear.

'Clay? What's wrong?'

I looked at him with tears in my eyes and looked back down at my arms, realising I wasn't hugging my bear.

I got so upset that I didn't have my bear right now that I felt a tear roll down my cheek. George noticed it and grabbed my hand.

'What's wrong?'

George didn't know I had a bear, he also didn't know I sometimes still sucked my thumb when I got too anxious. Because my past had been so traumatic, I never fully grew up. It wasn't too severe but my anxiety didn't make it any better.

'Come here,' George said as he pulled me closer. I always tried to act tough around everyone, just as I acted as manly as I could so people wouldn't find me weird.

No one would ever know I used drugs and alcohol, had a bear and sucked my thumb. I was so sad at the moment that I laid down in George's arms.

I was craving drugs or alcohol so much. How stupid it sounded, I wished to be smoking or drinking while I held my bear. Then I felt the safest and the happiest.

George looked down at me and I looked up slowly. 'I'm sorry,' I whispered.

'Why are you sad?'

'It's nothing, I'm sorry.'

I couldn't wait to get home. I really wanted to smoke and try out cocaine while I hugged my bear. Luckily I didn't have a too long day today so I would be home around two pm.

George let go of me after a while and I was sad that I couldn't lay down in his arms anymore. I acted tough and cleared my throat.

'I'm sorry, I'm going to my locker now.'

'Okay, stay safe,' George said as I walked off.

1060 words