My Last Hope

12

Warnings:
-Lots of mentions alcohol/drugs
-Emotional abuse

Clay's POV

A few weeks had passed by and a lot had changed in those weeks. I was severely addicted to the combination drugs, but I noticed a lot of negative symptoms.

I had lost an abnormally big amount of weight since I was constantly throwing up because of the drugs and alcohol. I barely ate anything either since I was always nauseous and I had no appetite at all.

I was so addicted that I often skipped school so I could do drugs instead. I got really bad grades and George was really worried about me. He suspected that I had an eating disorder and I liked to keep him clueless like that.

My heart was also beating very irregularly, so irregularly that I sometimes thought it would go wrong. However, that wasn't a reason for me to stop, I needed it more than anything.

I started stealing once every two weeks. Then I got my drugs again and Miguel wouldn't tell the person what I told him. I got pretty good at stealing and always drank a bit before so I wasn't too scared.

I started pickpocketing too and stole countless phones and wallets. I really didn't want to and I always felt really guilty but I was so stuck. I wouldn't survive without drugs and if he would reveal what I told him, I would be dead. I had no way of escaping this hell anymore and started slipping anyway more and more.

I barely slept anymore because of the constant state of panic I was in. I was so scared that my dealer would tell them, I was also scared that the police would find out that I stole and I was so traumatised that I needed drugs to forget.

I groaned and scanned my room with my eyes. I lifted myself up and put my thumb in my mouth as I held my bear against my chest. I didn't want to get up, but I really had to go to school today. I knew my dad would get mad if I skipped again.

Still, I didn't want to get out of bed and leaned against the wall as I kept sucking my thumb. Always when I was suffering from a bad withdrawal I sucked my thumb so I would calm down a little bit. Today was such a day, I really wanted drugs and I was shaking, sweating and completely going crazy in my head.

I lifted my knees and put my bear down in between my legs and chest while rocking softly. The only way for me to stay calm was when I sucked my thumb, held my bear and rocked softly.

As long as my dad didn't walk upstairs, I wasn't coming down either. I just wanted to sit here like this until I had no other choice than leaving.

It took only seven minutes to be exact for my dad to walk up the stairs. I cleaned my thumb and hid my bear as I slowly stood up.

⚠️ Emotional abuse

'Clay, go to school, right now!' he scoffed. 'Why didn't you get up yet, annoying piece of shit.'

'I'm sorry,' I whispered hesitantly.

My dad rolled his eyes at me and grabbed my wrist. 'You're such a loser, you're always screwing everything up. If I were you, I would study all day, Clay. Don't you realise what a disappointment you are?'

I didn't reply and looked at my feet, but my dad grabbed me under my chin and lifted my face up.

'LOOK AT ME WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU. You look like absolute shit, I wouldn't even dare to show myself if I was that ugly.'

I felt tears fill my eyes, but I bit the inside of my cheek so I wouldn't cry in front of him.

He grabbed my arm and laughed. 'Do you have anorexia or something? You're just a skeleton. You know, I don't care anyway. Just starve yourself. You have accomplished nothing in your life.'

'I got a good grade for-.'

'Pfft,' he scoffed. 'You haven't done anything good in your life. I don't care if you got a good grade once in your life.'

'But it was for-,' I started with a soft sob.

My dad grabbed my shoulders and pushed me down on my bed. 'I DON'T CARE, OKAY? I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU AND I'VE NEVER BEEN. CAN'T YOU JUST DIE?'

'I will leave,' I whispered. My voice cracked and my dad huffed.

'You don't even have to tell me that, I'm glad when you're gone. You have never done anything to make me happy, you've always made me either angry, upset or disappointed.'

⚠️ Over

I stood up and ran past him to go downstairs. I didn't wait for any longer, grabbed my bag and ran outside. I was so sad that I put my thumb in my mouth as I walked to school.

I slowly walked to school like this as suddenly someone passed by me. I didn't pay attention to it at first, but he looked at me and seemed annoyed.

'You're literally a teenager, don't act like a baby.'

I put my hand down and lifted my shoulders as I squeezed my hand as he walked off. I just wanted to suck my thumb but I didn't dare to anymore. They just saw me as a baby, a disappointment and the most terrible person in the world.

I got so sad that I decided to skip school again and go to the park to use drugs. I needed to feel happy and I was severely addicted to the euphoric feeling I got when I used drugs.

I ran to the silent place and sat down on the ground as I grabbed my drugs and laid it down on the bench. I had nosebleeds a lot lately, just like I sneezed and coughed countless times a day. Miguel told me he also had injections so I would ask him for those next time I got drugs.

After I used the combination drugs, I also smoked a few cigarettes with marijuana and drank some alcohol. I knew for sure I wasn't going home for the next few hours.