The Deep End

Deranged

TW: BLOOD, SELF-HARM & DEATH.

/dɪˈreɪn(d)ʒd/ : mad; insane.

4:39 AM.

September 23rd, 2016.

I stare blankly into my reflection through the puddles of polluted water by the sidewalk, the cold breeze of wind shifting through my bones as the Heat flushes through my body. I slowly tilt my head back and let the rain wash my entire face along with whatever trace of identity that is left in my body.

The last final breaths of my personality trying to leave my exhausted body, surrendering to the reality of my own self.

"stop resisting" the voice inside my head says.

"I'm not" I reply back out loud as I stare into my eyes.

As I slowly surrender, the pain of my thoughts slowly starts to consume me; leaving me breathless but I know I won't be able to feel anything for a while, allowing the emptiness to numb everything around me.

I slowly reach out to my pocket, pulling out the only sense of comfort to my fragile body. The flame of my pink Bic lighter is barely visible from all the darkness surrounding me, the cotton tip of the cigarette gripped by my teeth as I inhale a new breath full of cancer; a new breath of life.

It's funny to me, how the things that tend to kill us make us feel alive.

The nicotine pumps through my blood & a little smirk leave my mouth. I stand by the edge of the sidewalk and I just allow the rain to wash away my thoughts; my head is finally silent as it enjoys the dopamine & leaves me feeling like my whole existence is a big lie.

This is the calm before the storm, it won't be long before the anger starts to sink into my body; leaving nothing but malicious thoughts to harm myself and anyone who talks to me.

I start to drag my body back to my house as I slowly start to feel like my intrusive thoughts begin to resurface. My eyes scan my surroundings for sharp objects and my brain counting my breaths per second; the sound of rain turns me deaf from how loud the world is & the sky is covered in nothing but blood.

My foot collided with an empty coca-cola bottle on the sidewalk as I reach down to pick it up without thinking twice and throwing it across the street into a brick wall. The shards of glass flew everywhere as I let out a scream of frustration and madness.

"Who Am I?" I ask myself under my tainted breaths.

"This is YOU," the voice in my head says back to me.

I slowly slide down against the street lamp and lower my head in disappointment, in shame. It's not like I can talk to anyone about this, no one would ever understand it; anyone would think I'm insane, which in a way I was & the best way to deal with it was to isolate myself.

8:21 AM

September 23rd, 2016.

"I can't remember anything, I don't even know how I got here," I say to my reflection in the mirror of my bathroom.

"Look into my eyes" The voice in my head replies as my body involuntarily leans closer to my reflection.

I stare into my own eyes and see my own reflection so clearly like I was looking through glass. I start to feel something running down my eyes and frantically pull away from the sink only to see my hands are covered in blood, I look at my reflection and realize my hands weren't the only things covered in blood; my whole face was too.

My hands start cupping my face as my breath trembles with fear, my brain foggy and my eyes shower my face with tears of blood. The world starts to spin around me, leaving me unable to balance the weight of my own body.

"This is who you are" the voice in my head repeatedly yells violently at me.

My legs conceding as my body slams against the tiles of the bathroom floor, I frantically cover my ears to shut out the voice within my head, but it will never be silenced.

The shriek of pain leaves my lungs as I feel the dark eat me alive, I look up to see the voice in my head making her way towards me; she looks just like me.

Her cold fingers trace against my face & her eyes like glass piercing through whatever soul that is left within me.

"I told you to stop resisting me," she says calmly to me.

" I don't want to feel this way anymore," I say with nothing but exhaustion dripping from my words.

" No one will care for you as I do, so let me take over," she says as an evil grin parts her ice-cold lips.

She was right in a way, no one ever cared for me & no one ever will.

The only form of love I ever recognized was in the form of emotional & physical pain, that's the only form of love that felt safe & real to me.

As I lean my head on her shoulder, the weight of my body is held in between her arms.

I slowly start to succumb to the dire fate of myself & suddenly feel nothing but the utter rush of apprehension.