The Deep End

discomposed.

discompose:

(past tense: {discomposed} ; tone disturbed or agitated).

11:00 PM.

December 5, 2009.

Its been a while since I've last checked in here, yes I know I'm a bad person.

 I had an exam tomorrow & all I did was friction my body against the warm bed sheets and cover. I couldn't seem to fall asleep, and something made my head hurt.

1:45 AM.

December 6, 2009.

Still wide awake. 

I was tired but for some reason something kept me from falling asleep, & before I knew it I heard what I assumed to be my father screaming so loud I felt my bed shake, as if it was a rattle snake. 

I dig myself deeper into my sheets, clinging my nails onto the sides, avoiding to listen as I was told that was something rude to do. 

No matter how hard I tried, my parents yelling echoed through my brain, running around in circles setting my brain on and off, and it was in pain.

The constant yelling and bickering went on to what seemed like forever, it was as if they were fighting? 

what could they be fighting about? 

The only thing I could grasp from their fiery conversation was " you've been drinking and coming home late".

Is drinking too much water or juice bad for you? & I thought he was coming home late because of his job, I don't think that was a bad thing.

I was snapped out of my assumptions when I heard a loud thud, as if something heavy has hit the floor, as an immediate response I jump out and lay down next to my younger sister, covering her ears so she wouldn't wake up to the gruesome sounds.

I could feel a drip of salt water sliding down my cheeks unwillingly, I struggle to catch my breath as my heart pumps blood as harder & faster than ever, aiding my limbs to calm down.

 I could feel my hands and knees shiver strongly to the point where I couldn't stand up well.

 I gulp down, clenching my jaw. 

I've never cried, unless I was in pain & this, this was one of the worst pains that I thought I could be able to experience.

I slowly crawl to my bed looking like a puppy with a broken limb. 

My sister fast asleep & my palms and shirt drenched in tears. 

My intestines twisting and aching its way around my 5'3 body, I sink slowly with so much hurt, sadness & anger swimming around in my dark brown eyes. 

I slowly soothe myself, trying to get some sleep, But nothing ever comes easy.

I lay there, face arched towards the ceiling like a bow & arrow. 

Reminiscing about everything that has just occurred & even though It ended two hours later, It felt like it was continuously replaying itself through my brain. 

I could feel the swollen bags under my eyes & the drowsy bloodshot eyes, blinking and blinking tirelessly and helplessly.

 I need to sleep, This was 7th grade, & I had a final. I need to sleep, at that moment I've learned that whenever you wanted something it would never come. 

Unless you didn't want it, then it'll for sure show up at your doorstep with a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates, a fake smile & an "I'm sorry I'm late" to help kiss the feelings of anger away.

6:20 AM.

December 6, 2009.

I still laid there, eyelids wide open, blankly staring at my ceiling. 

All of a sudden I hear my mothers alarm ring, a sign that its time for school. 

Again I had zero sleep, I quickly flop to my side like a dead seal & close my eyelids pretending to be asleep.

 My mother walks in, lightly tapping on my cold shoulder, I slowly open my eyes and fake a yawn to pretend that I was asleep. 

If only I hadn't open my eyes, to see what I was seeing.

My heart sank deep down to the bottom of my rib cage, my lips parted their ways but this time it wasn't from aw, it was from horror. 

My mind quickly assembling the pieces of last nights puzzle in the back of my brain.

 My mother looks at me, blank face, no emotion whats so ever.

 Her face kissed with bruises and scratches, it was as if some beast had attacked her & claimed her loving, warm soul. 

I looked into her eyes as they started to shine from the suns reflection, but this time I didn't see hope.

 I saw pain, frustration & an ocean full of sadness. 

I had no words to express how I felt, or what I wanted to say to her.

Who could've done this to her?

"mom?" I say out in a dim, cracked voice.

she nods at me, not a single word leaving her mouth, it was as if her lips were glued together.

" what happened?" I follow, again with a crack in my voice as I brace myself not to shed tears.

"nothing. I had a tiny accident" her voice was deep, unclear and raging with sadness. 

It was playing like a blue's song that rang in my ear. 

From that day onward, I never forgot the sound that left her mouth.

 Nor did I forget the beast that has mutilated her soft skin into bumpy leather.

That was the first time that I've ever tasted sadness, & it wasn't just a tiny cup But a whole tank that filled me up to the brim.