The Deep End

Torpefy

/ˈtɔːpɪfʌɪ/: make (someone or something) numb, paralysed, or lifeless.

2:09 PM

November 12th, 2016.

 I never understood what was real and what wasn't. 

The world was a blur to me during certain periods of my life, there are chunks I don't even care to remember & there are chunks that I remember to be entirely different.

The figments of my imagination being so real that I could touch them, that I could feel them.

I was always taught to not care, to not love, to not speak & most importantly to not need someone not even myself. 

It felt as though I was reliving my life, in every minute, in every second. My eyes were wide open, but all I saw was my parents as an infant. 

The stages of my life as they progressively get worse, hate and vengeance slowly filling my body like a jug of petroleum. My so called " friends " throughout my life, I couldn't distinguish if they were just a character that my brain has fictionalised to protect me from the lonely nights, or truly living breathing human beings. 

Everything felt so cold yet I found beauty in it, I never felt like I've found joy in anything but self destruction. I thought I was born like this, cold , numb & unbothered. 

As I relive my childhood its making me question everything I ever was & everything I ever am.

What was my purpose?

Why did I become this way?

What did I do to deserve all this hatred, this loneliness & this misery?

It felt like I was paying for the sins of my parents, the stench of their horrible deeds against the people around them, against each other. I was paying the price with my emotions & with my body.

 I can clearly remember the first time I met you, the first time I met loneliness, the first time I met the dark shadow that eventually became a part of me. 

I was on the floor of an empty, rotting place I called "home". 

As I struggled to catch a breathe of air, a big bright yellow butterfly appeared. I don't even think I've ever seen anything prettier than that butterfly, it was flying around me like it was a sign of glimpse, a sign of hope. 

I tried to observe it, I wanted to hold it in between the palms of my hands. 

It was strange though, at the sight of this butterfly, it felt like I was human again. I had regained all my emotions including happiness and a sense of security.

 I wasn't numb anymore & I was numb for years.

Hours pass, while I blank out at observing the butterfly function around me, in an attempt to get it to trust me to hold it in the palms of my hands.

I tread lightly as the butterfly started to get tired and to trust me, I slowly crawled closely to the floor and pick up the beautiful butterfly.