The Deep End

Acquiesce

 /ˌækwiˈes/ : accept something reluctantly but without protest.

10:03 PM

November 12, 2016.

For the longest part of my life, I couldn't remember huge chunks of my childhood. This made me feel like I wasn't even real, like the life I lived at was a lie.

 I cannot seem to distinguish the difference between reality and my wild, vivid, imagination. 

I couldn't understand if this blur was better for the sake of my feelings or if it was a fabrication to distract me from a bigger monster that was living inside of me.

There was always a part of me that wanted to understand where everything went wrong in my life, during my childhood. I never got the chance to reminisce about the past, I was too busy running away from all the monsters in my head. 

The worst feeling was not just being a prisoner, but being a prisoner in your own mind, in your own body. 

It felt as though, freedom was so close, yet so so far away from my grasp.

I remember having a family, a mother, a father & a sister. 

where was everyone?!

The feeling of anxiety and soberness starts to kick in, I remember having a dairy. A dairy with all my secrets, A diary, which was filled page by page with my words, with my life. 

where was it?

I quickly run to my room in panic, rummaging through my possessions like I am a thief in my own room. Unaware of what I could find, 

would this help me break the cycle? 

would this finally put an end to my misery and hopelessness?

1:38 AM

November 13, 2016.

As the hours go by, I couldn't find a single trace to my roots. Nothing that could hold on to me and make me feel again, nothing to help me read into my life, nothing that could ever give me closure. 

I feel so vulnerable, so exposed, so cold and even more so, so empty. 

As I escape what is labeled as my "home", I drag my heavy, empty body through the cold, dark streets that still seemed to have more life than I ever did. My feet giving up on me, every step of the way. 

I slowly sink into the curb and stare into the nothingness of the dark street view ahead of me. Not a single person, not a single animal, not a single car, not a single sound around me but my head noisy with all the thoughts rummaging in the scraps of my brain. 

The thoughts of nothingness slowly start to leave traces of abuse on my face, sinking my eyes and frowning my eyebrows. I couldn't fathom how I didn't know what happened throughout majority of my life. It was living in a really strong, vivid nightmare. 

It all hit me like a train, the tears blurring my vision as they roll down my bruised cheeks with no hesitation, before I knew it, my head was between elbows as I try to gasp for air in silence, as I try to silence my suffering, as I try to silence my feelings and shove them as far down as I can. I was waiting for the moment she would come take over, but it was like she never came. I waited & waited & waited, but to no avail. 

I suddenly feel an arm cover my shoulders with warmth, before looking up I knew it was her taking control. All I could feel was relief, relief that I won't be mentally here for a while & I knew she would protect me. 

"Are you okay?" I hear a familiar voice say to me in the softest tone I've ever heard.

I quickly lift up my face with confusion and utter shock as my eyes lock in with Mathew's. Someone I never expected to see. I swallow my tears and feelings and mutter " I'm fine!" while drying my face with the sleeves of my sweater. 

I expected a very vague answer, something like "are you sure?" or "no you're not" but instead of even responding with words, he shifts his body's direction from being next to me to being right Infront of me. His eye's not breaking contact with mine, as the palm of his hands lift to cup my swollen, bruised face. 

My brain is not able to process and comprehend the softness of his touch, of his emotions flowing through my skin like it was penetrable. 

I felt a shiver go through my spin, a rush in my blood vessels & my skin itch. As he looks into my eyes, I couldn't help but drown in his. 

he suddenly pulls me in his broad chest, that looked so cold but felt like home. He cradles me like a child who was crying the whole night. After embracing me, he lays his head on my head, whilst stroking my hair.

 My body went through a shock, a shock that made me get a flashback. 

chunks of memories replay as I stare into the darkness while being embraced by Mathew, the memory of my father not embracing me once but rather laying his hands on me. Laying his hands on me while I was vulnerable, while I was merely an innocent child. 

All the muffled screams that were literally because my head was underwater or covered by some sort of fabric. The intensive, mentally abusive, physical & psychological punishments my mind and body. My soul was leaving my body from the amount of pain I was reliving. The memory replay playing like a tape that was stuck on repeat, tormenting my soul with every type of pain known to man.

  It was like Mathew's touch was cursed with poisonous memory flashbacks.

My body started seizing, it felt like my heart was stopped right in its tracks. I was looking for this, looking for answers and even after everything I saw, it still felt like I couldn't remember anything. 

Mathew kept holding me tighter with every exhale of panicked breathe.

"it's okay, I'm here. Don't worry" he says while caressing my hair, which only made me cry even more. 

For the first time in my life, I felt everything instead of nothing. For the first time, there was no shadow to take over my brain and block everything. For the first time, I felt a sense of pure, innocent love that didn't expect anything back from me.