The Missing Years - a kissing booth fan fiction

Numb

Elle

I can't believe I only have a few months of my exchange left. Time is a funny thing, it seems to drag but also flash by so fast. Between classes and assignments and work and hanging out with my flatmates and friends, it's all just going by so quickly. I miss my family and Lee, but I try not to focus on that too much. It's hard to dwell on missing Lee though, because he and I phone each other just about every day. All that time I spent agonizing that summer about how we'd stay in touch once we went to college, I needn't have worried at all. We're still as close as ever.

I am sad that I won't be there for his graduation, but it's probably for the best. I'm sure Noah will be there and I can't contemplate how we could be in the same place together yet. I don't know how Noah would react to seeing me. What would I even say to him? Sorry doesn't really seem anywhere like enough. Even if I could go back, I wouldn't want to risk ruining Lee's graduation for a chance to clear the air with Noah. That wouldn't be fair to Lee. It's not his fault he's in the middle of this. Again. Not that he even knows what he's in the middle of. I've refused to tell him and I'm pretty sure Noah hasn't talked to him about it.

I'll see Lee in person pretty soon after his graduation anyway. He and I had so much fun when he visited at Christmas that we're hatching a plan to go travelling in the summer after I finish classes. I haven't really got to travel too far with school and work and the winter weather, so we've decided to backpack for a month starting on our birthday. I want to make the most of the opportunity, with all of Europe being a short flight or train ride away. Who knows when I'll get the chance again?

The plan so far is to travel to Spain with Caitlin and Callum, who are heading there for their summer holidays. Lee will fly directly there and then he and I will head off on our own to places yet unknown. I'm finding it very hard to concentrate on school work when planning an epic vacation is much more appealing, but it's great to have something to look forward to.

The weather begins to improve around the start of spring, and I spend more time outdoors on the weekends with my friends, going on hikes and taking little day trips to actually see some of Scotland. It's a beautiful country, so different from home. Everything seems so ancient, and even the landscape has an almost worn-down quality to it, like time and the incessant rain has smoothed all the edges away. Even the light is softer here.

I convince my flatmates that I will be fine on the Easter long weekend, that I have to work anyway. They all tried to persuade me to go home with them, so that I didn't have to be alone. To be honest, I just wanted some space to breathe. As lovely as they all are, and as much as we'd all become close, I don't feel like I've had a moment to myself since the term began. With four of us living in the flat and Callum and other friends always dropping in, it wasn't exactly peaceful a lot of the time. I'm definitely grateful to have been included in their group, but being by myself for a few days sounds very appealing right now.

I do have to work, but not on Saturday. I have a free day to myself, and the sun is actually shining, so I take the short walk to the city centre and get myself breakfast at a cafe. I spend the morning wandering the town, taking photos and scouring bookstores, gathering titles I like more from looking at the covers than anything else. After grabbing some lunch, I glance up at the darkening sky and think better of continuing on, instead heading back to campus before the weather hits. Back in my flat, I sit in the chair next to the window and watch the rain. I used to hate it when I first arrived, but now I find it strangely soothing.

I randomly select one of my newly purchased books, a collection of poems by Chloe Frayne. I'd never heard of her before, but something about it spoke to me. I open the cover and turn a few pages, then stop, frozen. There on the page is a poem that says it all. That completely encapsulates everything. It's me and Noah on a page in black and white.

And we are all
just fighting
to survive a world
where
I miss you
doesn't mean
I'm coming back
and
I love you
doesn't mean
I'll stay.

All the feelings and thoughts I've tried so carefully to avoid for so long come crashing down on me. All the time I'd spent missing him. All the time he'd spent missing me. When he'd first gone away to Harvard. And later. All the feelings of Noah breaking up with me came flooding back in a way they hadn't for ages. That feeling of it not being enough. Of our love not being enough of a reason to stay together.

Then, the horror of what had happened after the last time we'd been together. I pictured his face. So sad and then so angry. So heartbroken that I was leaving and didn't want to be with him. I'd made him believe that I didn't want him. That was the biggest lie of all. Of course I wanted him. I'd always wanted him. I'd tried to get over him, to move on with my life, to convince myself that it was ridiculous to hold onto my love for him. But it was still there. No matter how deep I buried it, somehow it always came back to the surface.

He'd told me that he still loved me and I hadn't been able to accept that. That was the heart of the problem. I didn't trust that he did and even if he did, I didn't trust that it was enough. I wasn't sure I was enough to make him stay. Losing him had nearly destroyed me once, I don't think I would survive it again.

The tears come, a few dropping onto the page before I shut the book. I clutch it to my chest and sob. I cry until I have no more tears. Until I have nothing left, like even my soul has left my body. Until I feel nothing. Until I am numb.

Author's Note: If, like Elle, you've never heard of Chloe Frayne - look her up (@chloefrayne on Instagram). Her poems on love and heartbreak are a total mood and she gets me in the feels every time one pops up on my feed. I don't know her personally, this is not an ad, just complete respect for someone very talented.