The Missing Years - a kissing booth fan fiction

Rejection

Elle

To say I was shocked by Noah's reaction was an understatement. I hadn't imagined him being that angry still. I'd hoped that he would be glad to see me. I'd been ready for sadness, I'd even told myself that he could be indifferent, but I never stopped to think that he would still be that angry. I mean, Noah's usual first reaction to anything upsetting was to get angry, but after he stormed off and thought about things for awhile, he usually calmed down. Not this time.

That anger was what had thrown me off completely. In my shock at his reaction, I hadn't been able to find the words to tell him all the things I felt and thought. And that had made him even angrier. I was at a loss now, I had no idea what to do next. If I should actually do anything, or if that would just make things even worse.

With only a semester left of my degree, it wasn't worth the hassle of moving back into the dorms or trying to find a place off-campus. I'd unpacked some of my stuff at home, but in truth most of the boxes that I'd packed at our old house were still sitting in the corner, unopened. I left them that way.

Being back at school was a little odd. Most of my friends had all graduated now, although there were still some familiar faces in a couple of my classes. I felt a little out of place, a little off-balance. I remembered the last time I'd felt this way, before I started college and I didn't want to go back there. I called the office where my counsellor Nathan had worked from and to my surprise, he was still there.

It's kind of strange being back in his office again, sitting in the same chair. I feel like so much has changed since I was last here, but the irony that I'm still talking about Noah is not lost on me. Not one little bit.

"I'm glad you decided to come and see me, Elle," Nathan says as he sits in the armchair opposite me, his hands resting on the notebook in his lap.

"Really?"

"Yes, absolutely. The fact that you recognized the start of what could have become a destructive behaviour and chose to short circuit that process is excellent."

"I kind of thought I'd already done enough destruction."

"Well, let's talk about that. Do you want to fix things with Noah?"

"Well I definitely don't want him to hate me."

"Okay, but it's quite a jump from that to being in a relationship again."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"So what do you think needs to happen between where you are now, and where you want to be?"

"I need to find a way to tell him how I feel, I suppose."

"That would be a good start. Might I suggest that you consider trying a different form of communication? There seems to be an issue when you both try to converse in real time. You said you found yourself at a loss for words? That you struggle to react to his emotions?"

I nod, and Nathan continues. "Well then, perhaps you could write down what you want to say, and send it to him instead. That way you'll be able to get out everything you want to tell him, and Noah will have time to process it, without the pressure of having to give you an immediate response."

"A letter? You want me to send him a letter?"

"If you like," Nathan smiles. "It's just a suggestion, Elle. You need to find a way to communicate how you feel, in a way that you think he might hear it."

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I sit at my desk for I don't know how long, scribbling words that don't make sense on a page. I've written and crossed out so many things, I don't know where to start and stop. I don't want to sound like a crazy person. In the end, I send him the only words that seem like enough.

There is both some comfort and a certain amount of anxiety in knowing that you have sent your deepest thoughts to someone, not knowing what their response will be. But there is no response.

The next time I see Nathan I tell him that Noah hasn't replied.

"Well did you say everything you needed to say?" he asks.

"Yes. No. Ugh! I don't know." This is so frustrating.

"Sounds like you might still have more to tell him, Elle." Nathan looks at me an expectant expression.

"So what? I'm just supposed to keep sending him letters?"

"As long as you still have things you need to say, you should keep trying to say them."

"But what if he doesn't respond?"

"So what if he doesn't? Don't you think he still deserves to hear it?"

"Yeah," I reply softly. "He does."

I send off another envelope full of thoughts. I get no response.

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Even though we've continued spending Thanksgiving with Linda's side of the family, I still catch up with Lee that night at the arcade for our little wishbone ceremony. He won, which seems about right considering my luck at the moment.

"So," I raise my eyebrow at him, "What did you wish for?"

"Hmmm, I don't know if I should say...."

"Come on, just tell me." I grab a hold of his arm and shake him.

"Well, I want to ask Rachel out. You know, properly. Officially."

"Oh my god, Lee. Get on with it already. You guys have been hanging out all the time. You know she's going to say yes."

"I know, I know. It's just, I don't want to stuff this up, Elle."

"Dude. Seriously. It's going to be fine. It's you and Rachel. Just ask her."

"If you say so..."

"Yeah, I do. Now come on, I'm going to thrash you at Mortal Kombat. Again."

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The winter commencement ceremony is small, but I'm glad I decided to do it now, rather than waiting until the end of the spring semester. At least now I feel like I've officially graduated. Lee took a half day off work to come see me get my diploma, and of course he went nuts when my name was called. I feel a pang of regret that I wasn't there to do the same for him. Of course my dad, Linda and Brad are there, as well as June and Matthew. We all go out to an early dinner afterward and I feel lucky to have so many people who love me.

We spend Christmas with the Flynns as usual, but Noah isn't there. Apparently, he's spending it with Chloe. At least I don't have to face the embarrassment of seeing him, I suppose.

In late January I start a graduate position at a small game development company that one of my old professors has links to. She set me up with an interview and obviously gave me a great recommendation, because I was pretty much hired on the spot. I love it and as much as I'm just doing grunt work for now, it feels good to finally be working in my field.

An awesome bonus is that my office is like a 15 minute walk from Lee's, so we catch up for lunch a few times a week. He and Rachel are officially dating again, and I can tell he's completely in love. I'm so happy for them. We all hang out together often, and I'm glad there's no longer any tension between us.

I keep writing to Noah, whenever I find something I want to tell him. He doesn't respond.

Even though Nathan told me I shouldn't consider Noah's lack of response as a rejection, I figure after a year of not hearing back, it's time to stop.