The Missing Years - a kissing booth fan fiction

Oblivion

Noah

My lungs are burning in the frosty air. I've run longer than usual today, and I've done it solo since Chloe had company last night that hadn't yet departed when I got up this morning. I kill the angry music when I reach the footbridge and slow to a stop, removing my earbuds. I lean against the railing and stretch, sucking in deep breaths that create clouds of fog as I exhale.

I feel like my life has gone around in a circle. I'm back where I was when Elle and I broke up. Back to my old patterns. Only this time it's worse. This time it wasn't of my own making. She left me. This was her choice, not mine. I wonder if this was how Elle felt when I broke up with her. When I told her that loving each other wasn't enough. When I said that, did she hear that I didn't love her enough?

With only a few weeks until the end of semester, I'm busy writing assignments and studying for exams. There isn't time for much of a social life, even if I wanted one. I don't know what I would do without the distraction of my studies. But then I wonder if I would be in this situation if I wasn't studying in Boston. What if I'd never accepted my place at Harvard? What if I'd gone to Stanford or UCLA? What if I'd transferred after my freshman year? Would Elle and I still be together?

I shake my head and put my earbuds back in, cranking the music as I set off for home. All these 'what if's' are pointless. I did accept my place at Harvard. I am here. Elle and I did break up then. She doesn't want to be with me now. Wondering about how things might be different won't help me. In fact, it will only make things worse.

I grab coffees from the place around the corner from the apartment. Only two, because if I know Chloe, she'll have turfed the guy out by now so she can get ready for the day. I see I'm correct in my assumption when I spot her in the kitchen in her robe and slippers. I still have my earbuds in when I enter and hand her the second coffee as I swing through on my way to my bathroom. She smiles gratefully and blows me a kiss without speaking.

I head home for winter break a few days before Christmas. Lee's already left to spend it with Elle. I have some thoughts about that, that involve Lee being a traitor, but even if she's told him what happened, Lee picked his side long ago. Unfortunately, Lee's absence leaves me fully under the spotlight of my mother's attention. I suppose I should be grateful that it takes three days after I get home before that soft knock on my door.

"Noah? Can I come in?"

I sigh and toss the book I'd been reading down on the bed next to me. "Sure Mom."

She comes in and perches on the end of the bed warily.

"Noah, I can see that you're stewing about something. You have been for awhile now. Is everything going okay with school?"

"Everything's fine with school, Ma, it's good. I mean, it's tough, but it's good." I'm a little surprised by her question, but I guess this did all line up with when I was starting law school this year.

Mom exhales. "Okay, because if you decide that isn't what you want anymore, you know your dad and I will support you, no matter what you choose to do."

"Mom, honestly, school is good. I'm happy there. School is not the problem."

"Well then what is the problem?"

Oh she's good. She opened up a trap and I just fell right into it. Now there's no way out of talking to her about this. But there's also no way I'm discussing it in any detail.

I take a deep breath and shove down as much anger as I can. "Mom, remember when Elle and I broke up, you told me that if she and I were both in a good place one day, I shouldn't discount the possibility that we might get back together?"

Mom's eyes narrow slightly. "Yes, I remember."

"Well, things seemed to be getting better between us last year, we'd had some hard conversations..." I pause, running my hands through my hair. "Then, when we were in Vegas for Lee and Elle's birthday, it seemed like we might both be in that good place."

Mom starts to interrupt and I rush on. "I didn't know that she was going away for school. Not until...after. Anyway, once she did tell me that, Elle also made it very clear that she didn't want to be together, even though I did." I stop there and look down at my hands. The urge to ball them into fists is strong, but I manage to keep them flat.

"I don't want to get into it, Ma. But it was bad, okay?"

"Okay Noah, I believe you." She reaches out and puts her hand on my arm, rubbing her thumb back and forth. "Well that certainly explains a few things, about you and Elle too."

I look up when she says Elle's name, my look questioning.

Mom waves it off. "Nothing important, she just didn't seem herself when I spoke to her recently."

Interesting. I can't decide if I want to know more or not, but I don't ask.

Mom shakes her head and blows out a long breath.

"What?" I ask.

"I don't know honey, you and Elle just seem to have the worst timing."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

She scoots along the bed, closer to me, and puts her arms around me in a hug. I hadn't realised how tense my shoulders were until I feel them relax under her hands. "I'm sorry this has been so hard on you, Noah."

Some of the anger starts to seep out of me, sadness flowing in to take its place.

On Christmas Day, I smile and make nice with Mike and Linda. I can't believe it's nearly been a year since they were married. They both seem very happy and I'm genuinely glad for Mike. He spent a long time on his own after Joni passed. Brad seems to have grown about a foot since I last saw him, but his hero worship of me continues unabated. He's a good kid and hasn't completely turned into a sullen teenager yet. I give into his demands after lunch and spend a couple of hours teaching him to play pool, avoiding the den and all the memories there.

I escape any further questions from Mom for the rest of the week and head back to Boston in time to celebrate New Year's with my friends. I disappear soon after midnight, heading back to the apartment. I'm still not in the mood to be around so much happiness.

Lying on my bed, gazing into the dark, I search for the right word to describe my current state of being, in the hope that understanding will provide a small measure of comfort. Oblivion is defined as the state of something that is not remembered or thought about anymore, of being unconscious or unaware, of being destroyed.

The destroyed part I feel already, but how can I be unaware? How can I not remember what happened, not think of her? I consider then that maybe I have it backwards, that I am the thing that is not remembered or thought of anymore. The idea weighs heavily on me.

The distractions that life provides each day only work for so long. Every morning I find myself longing for the end of the night, when I can finally drift off to sleep. There lies a precious few hours of peace, of oblivion, where I am blissfully unaware of what might have been.